Hi,
Am in a mess tonight - have had a really bad day and am feeling really low.
I'm not coping very well atm and my SH is bad - worse than it has been for ages. I have 3 lots of stitches.
My CPN decided I need some structure and support and referred me to the day hospital - I was so scared and felt such a failure when I had to go for the first group today.
I sat for an hour in a goal setting group - and there were 2 other people. I really didn't want to be there and they were so 'excited' to have a new person that all eyes were on me. I dont want to set goals -I want to curl up and die - I dont want to make small steps, they're not worth it - I'm not worth it.
I couldn't think of anything I wanted to work towards - I felt so paniky - I just wanted to cut and run - literally.
They just wouldn't let up and wouldn't let me shrug my shoulders in response to questions - I DONT KNOW THEM, DONT WANT TO BE THERE and couldn't give a **** about stupid goals.
Getting through a day is hard enough at the moment - my goal has to be to keep going
I've got to go back on monday for support and relaxation - WOW - cant wait
How can I get out of this?????
Help!!!!
You'll get use to it. And it will start to help as you adjust to the support and stuff around you. You will be okay!!!! And I agree with your CPN... you need this. *hugs*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Give yourself some time to get used to the setting, the appearance, sounds and even smell of the place. Be honest about your goals, to not SI from one breath to the next. It may startle them enough to get them off your case.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
So I can lie then and pretend everything is ok!!!
AHHHHH!!!! I'm finding it really hard - I know I need help and support but my whole being is screaming NO!!!!
That isn't your being screaming no. Those are your diseases. Just like if you had a bad head cold, you don't want to get up and make tea, but you do it anyway cause it will make you feel better.
I hope that makes sense.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Yeah - sort of!
I think I've got so used to my way of coping - I know I have times when things are bad for me but I'm still here.
I just want to sit in a cupboard and hide for a while - I can't cope with my life and just want time out.
I feel unpredictable, agitated and frightened - the time at the day centre is ok but I still have to go home and keep going.
How will it make things change:-
My Dad will still stalk me and breach his non molestation order
The police will still keep 'cautioning' him!!!!
My flashbacks and nightmares will still be there
I'll still need to cut out all the pain
My ex husband will continue to be a pain in the neck and a reminder of what a failure I am - how can the day hospital change that???
Day hopsital doesn't change the things AROUND you. it will start help changing how you view and cope with those things. With your dad, get a lawyer and get it done properly! Ass wipes... I swear... sometimes cops are uselss (I work with cops sometimes and it's a world wide thing... >.<). You are NOT a failure. Even though you don't want to go, you still are. That is a very good thing and a HUGE acheivement. I'm proud that you're going despite not wanting to. Be honest with them! Please/ it's very important that you're honest with them. It will take a bit of time but if you stick this out then I'm sure you'll start feeling and seeing the benefits.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Struggling today!
Dont know who I can talk to for help - can I call the Day Hospital??? I have a key worker there but she didnt really say much about support.
My CPN is not available - as usual!!!
Just know I'm going to need to harm today - I'm all over the place but have that horrible feeling inside that wont go away.
you probably can call the day hospital. you could at least ring them and ask them if it's appropriate to phone! then they should give you a more clear idea. then next time you talk to your keyworker ask for some clarity on support.
the day hospital understand that you're in crisis right now, and you've just started going. they won't mind if you don't have any ideas on goal-setting right now. you're settling in to a new place, new routine with new people. takes time, so give yourself that time. at my day hospital not everyone has input and some people have been there for months or longer. it's okay, i think they still gain stuff from being in the group. it's okay :)
Thanks,
Have tried to ring my CPN and she is not available. Feeling anxious about ringing my keyworker as I dont really know her and cant really cope with lots of questions/explanations etc.
Just want to curl up and die - and dont know where to turn.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Phone the hospital and ask if you can talk to them, and if not then could they give you a number of someone else to call.
I'm about to start at a day centre at a local hospital too, and am nervous, but like Alive said, although these places can't change our circumstances, they CAN change how we deal with them.
I rang the hospital and they said that my keyworker was not there this afternoon and they would give her a message on Monday!!!!
My CPN did ring me back and I feel a bit calmer - apparently I can use the crisis team over the weekend - not sure what help they will be but at least I dont feel so isolated and frightened.
I tidied my house today and planned every half hour to try and keep focused, but now I am shattered and losing the will to keep going - tonight is going to be hard.
Just feel like such a failure - had to ring the police earlier as my Dad keeps driving past the house - and all they did was caution him - that is not going to stop him - the system is **** and I dont feel safe.
I'd be better off if I wasn't here
Time goes so slow!!!
Am down to planning the next 5 mins just to stay safe - am determined that I'm not going to let him win this weekend - I'm going to try and keep harm free - its just not that easy when my head is screaming!!!!!
I get a horrible knotted feeling inside and I can't ignore it - it eats at me and I end up going there - but not tonight...........
Sometimes it is enough to stay safe for one breath at a time. That's how i've been with SI lately.
Can you carry your phone with you wherever you go? Do you have a land line with a portable phone? Would your dad go so far as to break in? Is there a safe place you can hide while you phone the police?
Every time you wipe off your counter is that much longer you've gone without self injuring.
*cuddles you*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Am in such a mess!
Am bleeding and have no dressings left - dont want to go to A&E - just want to keep bleeding - was hoping for a release but I just feel worse - I'm just so stupid and weak
Cant cope anymore and am so frightened about what others will think - dont want to be judged anymore - its my pain
Have just managed to persude them to let me come home!!!
Spent most of the night in A&E - waited for 5 hours before they even looked at my cuts - then they were in a panic to get them stitched as 'it had been too long!' - not my fault!! but I felt ashamed and just wanted to crawl away - it was obvious what they thought and how they judged me.
The nurse didn't even bother to numb the cuts before the stitches - but I didn't care - the pain was what I needed - punishment for being so weak and stupid.
Then I had to wait 3 hours to see the 'crisis team' who dont really want to see you. They wanted me to stay in - but there was no way - I would be worse - I felt like a cornered rabbit.
Managed to say I'd ring them if i needed to and that seemed to be ok - they didn't even say they would contact me - which is ok as I'm not worth it anyway
Going to crawl into bed and hide
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
i'm glad you went. i'm reall really glad. eyp. honey they should not have stiched youw ithout numbing it first and i think you should put ina complaint... what happens nexr time? what happens... what happens if a younger si-er goes in? it's hurt you.. what would it do them? please call the crisis team if you need to. *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
.gif "snoozle")
