Triggering (Suicide) - Safeness. (sorry)

[Daydream]

I'm really sorry for posting again. I'm always posting and I feel really guilty and I know I shouldn't because I'm pushing people off the board and I don't mean to, but I feel like I'm messed up and need to talk to someone. I'll try and reply to some other people's posts when I'm feeling a bit better.

Recently, I've been feeling very unsafe from myself. My team know I've been feeling like I want to hurt myself, but they don't know I've been suicidal (nor do my parents from that matter). I've been too scared to tell anybody incase they told my parents and my parents lose their trust in me that I've gained for a while now. Each time the urges to hurt/kill myself come, I keep thinking how much safer from myself I would be if I was back in the unit, but I know that if I was in the unit I wouldn't really be that much safer because being away from my family makes it easier for me to self harm. I keep making plans on how to hurt/kill myself, but everytime I tell people that I've been making plans to hurt myself, I feel better for a little bit and go back to making plans a day or so later.

I know going back in a unit would really hurt my family, because we've worked so hard together. But I keep wanting to go back. I know the only time I'll fully stop the wanting to go back into the units is when I turn 18 and I'm too old to be there. I know going into the unit doesn't automatically make things better though, I've been in so many different places because of being ill. I'm scared too of being told "You're not ill, stop wasting our time".

I'm too scared to talk to my psychiatrist about my occassional plans to hurt/kill myself, because I'm scared of what might happen (I don't know what might happen, and thats what scares me) or what might not happen. I'm scared that if she does nothing that I might carry out my plans if I have any at that point. I never want to see my mum upset because of me again, because it breaks my heart to see her cry, she's my best friend.

I'm not really making sense, sorry. I just dont know what to do.

[Daydream]

Uh oh.

[tamobhuuta]

how you said, telling someone about plans you've made helps for a couple of days after, do you think maybe that's a good reason to tell them? so they know what's going on and you can get a little bit of the safety you need. no one expects you to have these thoughts once, then never again, just because you told them about it. but feeling safer would be what everyone wants for you. sorry i'm not much help, just wanted to say that, don't know if it made much sense!

[Daydream]

Thanks for replying. I'm feeling pretty awful right now and I'm not seeing anyone until Monday. I'm writing this in the hope that it will take my mind off the urges. I keep thinking about one of the last units I was in and wondering if I made a mistake leaving. It was a year and a half ago, and I'm still wondering? ****, I must be pretty messed up. I messed up any relationship I had with my old named nurse over the internet while I was ill(er than I am). I'm shaking. I'm going upstairs now to read, and hope I feel better later. x

[alienshe_cheesycake]

Hey, first of all you don't need to say sorry for posting here
This is what the mental health forum is for
I'm sorry to hear that your feeling unsafe
but I don't think keeping this information to yourself can do you any good hun, you need to tell somebody if you don't feel safe

I'm sure your family would rather be hurt and know the truth than for you to hide it from them and try anything to hurt yourself
I'm sure they would much rather you be honest with them about how unsafe your feeling

I would definatly at least make sure the team in charge of your care are aware of how your feeling becuase they need to know exactly whats going on so they can help you best, whatever that means

I know what you mean to a certain extent about being in hospital
I know when I'm feeling really low I sometimes wish I was back in there
even if it might not be that helpful

Sorry if this is rubbish advice, you can PM me anytime and don't feel guilty about wasting peoples time or anything, I'll be here if you want to PM me
*hugs*
xxxxxxxxxxx