I want to die.
I want to stick a fucking gun to my head and pull the fucking trigger.
I want to take so many pills I can't even comprehend the number I've taken it's so big.
I want to cut myself all over my disgusting hideous body until I just bleed to death.
I want to fall for seconds and then feel my body hit the ground.
I want to climb up a tree with a piece of rope.
Step out in front of a car, or train.
Electrocute myself.
Drown myself.
Do you get it now?
I just want to fucking die.
Get me the fuck away from here.
Make him okay.
Make my parents not have happened.
Make my life not have fucking happened.
Make Paul happen, because that's what made me realise how fucking little I am worth, to anyone.
Last edited by Snow White. : 23-07-2008 at 11:08 AM.
Reason: Reference to RYL member.
Sorry I don't really have the words to say but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and please try and keep safe. I know that's the last thing you want right now but I promise you things will get better *hugs* xx
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
I don't want to talk about how I was raped constantly for 3/4 years. I don't want to talk about how my parents can't stand the sight of me. I don't want to talk about the fact my best friend has completely pushed me away and I definatly don't want to talk about the fact I just. can't. take. it.
This is what it takes to finally get some help around here. Pathetic, isn't it?
Wow, Please dont do anything drastic! are you getting any support?
Why is everything so fucked up for you at the moment. I dont know you but i am sure you are not hideos!
Please why do you feel so shit? You really need to get some help. Please call somebody!!! Are you on your own atm?
Hang in there and dont think that you are hideos. You are jst very desperate, and i am scared for you.
i will be thinking of you...
PM me whenever you need, and i hope I dont sound patronizing.
It sounds like maybe you do want to talk, or at least for all your hurt to be heard, and not to be questioned. It happened, and is happening, to you, and feels really overwhelming and is pushing you closer and closer to the edge.
You're worth more than you feel that you are right now. I promise.
Oh, i really am so worried. im sorry you feel like you can only get help when to you it feels too late.
i really really do want the best for you, you really are worthy and, please whoever fucked up your life, show them that you can get through it! Its discusting what happend to you but it is not your fault. Really it isnt and i erge you to believe that. Your contol was taken away for a long time, but this doesnt make you dirty or discusting or any words you may think of yourself as.
You cant give in though!!! You just cant! Im batteling with a similar problem, but you have opened my eyes to see that we all need to stick together, get help and show those fucking shit heads that you can survive, you are worhty and that you can have a blooody good life.
Please get yourself some help, and i mean it, i am here, and i am sorry knowone has before now.
How many times do you have to be hit before it's abuse?
How long before you start believing you're worthless, when you're told it every hour you're awake?
Aw, honey, please calm down.
I know what it's like to ba hit and kicked by people you thought cared, and nobody deserves that.
And so many people are told they are worthless on a daily basis when they're not. And you aren't worthless.
Just hang in there, okay?
'Even' one hit can be abusive. Any physical assault can be abusive.
Being told you're worthless... I know as well as anyone how those words can wound to the very core of you, and scar your perception of yourself.
Usually people tell us we're worthless because they feel worthless themselves, and also because they want power, and sucking it out of us is the only way they know of getting it. It doesn't make it right, but knowing those things can help you take back ownership of yourself and your own body.
If youre free one day/night Chels, come into London and have dinner and a drink with us.
We'll let you play with the magnetic fishing set (yeah, we still have it.. and the bracelets)
Im sorry i cant say magical words that will make you feel better, but i love you a lot, and if you ever need to get away or if you ever need anything, you know where i am/we are.
Baby you can do it. I know you can.
I know it may seem like empty words. I couldn't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling and how the things you've been through have affected you. But please.
You can keep going long after you can't. So keep going, against everything.
Chels ....I'm really short on words right now, but I wanted to let you know that I have read your posts ... that I care ... and that I am wishing you all the emotional strength and tenacity to get through this very difficult time.
It is plainly obvious that you are struggling with the weight of everything that has happened to you over the years, and I'm not totally sure from your posts, but from what I've read here, it seems to be as though you are STILL being hurt emotionally from people in your life, and that is terrible!
You should be treated with care, compassion and tenderness Chels .... its hard enough to recover from the sort of stuff you've endured in your past, even with the most supportive environment around you .... but to have people in your life now who make you feel worthless and under-valued, that just makes it 100 times worse!
Chels - I dont know whether it means much, but if you do ever feel like talking a bit more about this, you know where I am.
I wish I was okay to talk to you right now but I just wanna say this - I haven't known you long but you're one of the funniest, loveliest and most supportive people I know. And dang, I've only known you a while but I already love you <3 Don't think bad of yourself cos I know how easy it is to think you're only worth the bad things people do. But you're not. You're worth a million times a million of those b*stards and even that isn't enough times. You're not a bad person, you're not. Loves and thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I was abused the way you were, i was physically abused for 7 or 8 years, and mentally abused. the rest, cant talk about. But i still believe the man who did this to me, who told me how oworthless i was, how stupid i was how useless i am, and how i was never going to make anything of myself (even though i have an amazing job and followed my dream) i still think he is right, everyday i think that guy (we'll call him J) is right J is right, he took my life away and to this day he is right.
I know the feeling of that. I know how that person gets into your brain and never goes away. My mother keeps telling me i have to get angry with him first, then i have to not care about him, but its been over 14 years since i saw him and i still cant do that.
My stepmother likes to rub it in too (my father doesnt know it would kill him with guilt but she does) she likes to tell me how i have nothing how i made nothing of myself (even though like i said berfore i have my dream job)
but then i have this thing on my wall, it says "if we listen to others thoughts, then why did god give us our own" for me that helps. it helps a little, but it helps and hopefully it will help you (even if you are not religious, you can take it how you like or change it)
Lots of love and hugs, please pm me if you need anyone to talk to xxxxx
