i don't know if this counts as serious, or serious enough for this board but it is a bit tricky and i don't think fits the other boards. anyway, um there's the voice in my head, tells me to kill myself blah blah blah, that's just fine and dandy. new thing - i think he might be a real person. um not 'real' real, maybe looking and acting human, and generally being human, but someone else as well, because a normal person wouldn't be able to speak inside my head and know the things about me that he says he knows.
all he says to me at the moment is how i've got to OD and when i say back that it'd be a waste and i'd just end up in a&e and in a worse position to be able to do it properly another time because everyone would be more worried, he ignores me, just shouts more about how i've got to do it and he doesn't care what i hink about it. so i thought, what if i go to find him? as it is he can see me, i can't see him, he knows exactly who i am, he's always got that over him. maybe if i find him i can talk him out of this plan, make a better one.
but that's such a stupid and impossible idea! he could be anywhere in the world, be any age, any appearance, any name, no name at all. and he'll always be able to hide from me because he'll know who and where i am, all the time. it's a stupid plan. i know it's stupid. it seems better than swallowing a load of pills though, better than doing nothing, listening to everyone tell me to wait until 'this' passes.
so i don't know what to do. i think these are the possibles:
swallow the pill stashpointless and sick-making
run away and swallow the pill stashsick-making
run away and wait to dielazy and boring
run away and kill myselfscarey
run away to look for the voicepointless
carry on as 'normal' (SHing every day, dismantling my life, wasting space/oxygen) pointless, scarey and selfish
CONCLUSION
all my ideas suck. i have to appease the voice. i don't know what to do. anyone got a magic wand?
Sounds like you are going through an extremely tough time at the moment, Cna you think of anything that may have triggered you to feel like this?
You need to try your best to ignore these voices, are you currently getting support for these voices/ depression/ self harm?perhaps it would be a good idea for you to try and find a friend/ family member to speak to as i often find having someone to talk to, another voice can ease the voices in my mind.Also listening to music, watching a dvd or something similar may block them out too.
Please keep on talking to us, listen to the part of you that wants to keep on fighting.
most of the time at home i'm with other people and i think you're right RhubarbDali it helps but sometimes everything starts competing, and it's easier to stop hearing what other people are saying and just listen to what's in my head.
i see people from CAMHS and a woman, S, from the early intervention team, though that's really only to keep me out the way til i turn 18, they don't think i'm psycho, they think i was abused and am just repressing it. S knows quite a bit of all this but if i tell her more, about like ODing and stuff, they'll, i don't know, do nothing, just tell my mum to take away the pills and i don't want that. telling them would seem like agreeing to whatever they wanted. i'll be seeing S tomorrow but even if i did want to talk about this, i don't think i'll be able to because it's this stupid meeting with a person from the adult mental team, someone i'll probably never see again but for some reason it's important i'm introduced to. and the day after, going to be seeing this psychotherapist i've seen a couple of times, and i know she says we'll talk about anything, but if i talk about this she'll say i'm too crazy because that's what J said when i told her about the voice.
I think it would be a good idea for you to be honest with her about how you are feeling, what your plans are as they will be able to help you with the exact support you need, honesty is so important when you are getting help.
perhaps writing it down will be easier than saying it face to face, or maybe having notes/ bullet points will help you not forget what you need to say.
edit - i shan't do it, not tonight, i'm meant to be seeing that psychotherapist lady in the morning, and it's probably better to tell her about the voice now, before she starts hating me for ODing.
i didn't tell her, she was all going on about taking responsibility for my safety, moving forward, i couldn't start in with how words like safety and forwards and so massively far from where i am. so triggered since seeing her. last night i was taking the last of the pills out their blister pack, didn't feel sick, normally i do, but now i don't, i feel like i could take them all without being scared.. i wish i'd told her, but she only wants to hear good things, the only feelings i ever have are bad, she just wants me to shut up and be happy, and i try to shut up, but they tell me how important it is to talk about this shit. i wish this would stop, but the voice still wants me to make things worse with his stupid OD idea. maybe i can just get it over with this evening?
Last edited by tamo >bhūtā : 23-07-2008 at 10:08 PM.
Reason: changed my mind
