Triggering (SI/ED) - I can't do it anymore...

[Caffe_al_Caramel]

I finding things really hard at the moment. I found out that my dad is having another affair with a woman that is almost my age. My parents are fighting all the time and I've been listening to my mother cry and my dad drinking since I was in 3rd grade. I can't do it anymore. I can't listen to that, I'm going crazy. I want to cut to release the pain. I haven't eat for 2 days. Everything that my parents do is making me so sick. The worst thing is that the only thing they care about is what other people will say, so infront of everyone I have to play "Mary Sunshine" like we're one big happy family. I can't even cry - I was always told ".. and don't start crying - it's a sign of weakness". Everything I do (I have academic achievements that are nearly perfect + I'm trained ballerina with some international achievements) is never good enough. I'm never good enough for them. I just don't see a point in life anymore. I don't even care to recover anymore. All my life I've been trying to make my parents proud of me but I never succede and apparently I never will. Only thing I got from them is a room in a house that is always empty and if they are at home they are fighting. Everything just seems so pointless. Luckily I've got 3 weeks left until I go back to Uni (which is probably the only thing that keeps me getting up in the morning).
I got an offer from Cornell (for postgrad) and not even "Ivy league" is enough for them. I'm not even sure what I want anymore ... I just want to fall asleep and wake up when everything is over.


Sorry, this was a bit of a rant. But I'd really appreciate some hugs,

[Louise]

(I finding things really hard at the moment. I found out that my dad is having another affair with a woman that is almost my age. My parents are fighting all the time and I've been listening to my mother cry and my dad drinking since I was in 3rd grade. I can't do it anymore. I can't listen to that, I'm going crazy. I want to cut to release the pain. I haven't eat for 2 days.)

Hiya I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time right now. *hugs* Also that you found out that your dad is having an affair, It's not nice to hear your parents fighting and your mum crying. Please try not to give up. You have to try to eat even if it's something little for a start.

(Everything that my parents do is making me so sick. The worst thing is that the only thing they care about is what other people will say, so infront of everyone I have to play "Mary Sunshine" like we're one big happy family. I can't even cry - I was always told ".. and don't start crying - it's a sign of weakness". Everything I do (I have academic achievements that are nearly perfect + I'm trained ballerina with some international achievements) is never good enough. I'm never good enough for them. I just don't see a point in life anymore. I don't even care to recover anymore.)

It's hard for you to put on a mask when you feel horrible inside, you can do this you have achieved a lot of things you should be proud of yourself doing that. everything will be ok, I know that what your going through is not easy but it doesn’t mean that you can’t get through this. We are all here for you and care for you. we do not want to see you get hurt anymore than what you already are, that includes me other people here, You can get through this please don’t give up please keep fighting through this. Have you thought about writing your feelings and thoughts down on paper? Have you any support e.g. counselling?

Please do not hesitate to pm me if you need to talk more. Xx

[Caffe_al_Caramel]

Thanks!
I don't have any professional help (counselling). I live in a quite small town and recently I found that my mother knew about my anorexia, even tho I tried to hide it from her, and still didn't help me. I guess it would ruin their perfect reputation if someone would find out that I'm seeing a counseller.