Triggering (SI/Suicide) - update from kerry- help me please**updated again**

cakeybites · 22-07-2008, 10:22 AM

i wish i had you all in hospital with me. i feel so alone. jo and justin are visiting me lots, but that doesn't take the alone feeling away. yesterday, i felt so unreal. i was so far away. i could see myself, doing things, but it wasn't me cos i was watching. i didn't know how to make it stop. i did some si. i don't know how i managed it in the hospital, but i did.
i don't know what has happened to make me so low. nothing has happened. i just can't stop this feeling. i just know if i had the chance right now, i would go. i would walk away. i am sorry for the people i am hurting by saying that, but i don't know what else to do.
i have been having sleeping tablets to help me sleep in hospital. i don't know if i could sleep without them. i havn't tried. but they make me not dream. cos the dreams are back. and i know they are only dreams, i know that, but when i am in them...it is like i am back there. i don't want to see it any more.
i know the staff at the hospital know i am struggling, but i don't have the words to ask them for help. i don't know how to tell anyone. i did try, but the words just aren't there. i wrote it in my book, in poems, but i am too scared to let any of the staff read it.
so what dod i do now. where does that leave me.
i don't want to be alone any more,
i don't want to keep hurting people.
i don't want to keep fighting.
*curls up in a tiny tiny ball, rocking and crying*
help me someone please.

Bambi · 22-07-2008, 10:41 AM

hugs kerry iam right there with you. iam feeling exactly the same as you do right now. all i can do is give you great big huggles,hugs,and squishes and we will fight this together kerry. iam always here pm me anytime hunny. hang in there and stay strong kerry.
thinking of you.
hugs
Nancy

you can get through this kerry.

Duffer44 · 22-07-2008, 10:43 AM

I wish i knew what to say to make it all better i really do kerry im always here for you look after yourself and stay strong *holds and hugs tight*

what_the? · 22-07-2008, 10:53 AM

Kerry, stay strong hun. It will be worth it in the end. I know I can't just make it better for you, but we're all here whenever you need us.
Take care. Thinking of you
xx

Affinity · 22-07-2008, 11:38 AM

*Hugs tight*

Not sure what to say. You know it all without me even speaking.
xxxx

IceBreak · 22-07-2008, 11:44 AM

Kerry i love you like a lot.
All I can say is that you have a hell of a lot of people that want to be there but cant be. Like me. If I wasnt working I would have literally flown down as soon as you were in hospital and set up camp so I could come and see you everyday. Maybe see past the fear. I know thats really really hard to do but just think maybe if you did that and you did tell them... they could help you make it stop. I dont know.

*snuggles tightly*

Sometimes Crazy · 22-07-2008, 11:46 AM

Kerry, I wish I knew what to say. Just know that even though I'm not there in person I'm there in spirit and we all love you and hope you feel better soon. I know it's scary but try to let the people at the hospital in. They won't think you are stupid or that what you say isn't right. They want to help you and they can even more if you try and let them in on how you're feeling. Even if you wrote down what you wanted to say, nodded and shook your head, anything. *cuddles really tight* I'm thinking of you <3

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bitter_Angel · 22-07-2008, 06:58 PM

Your not alone Kerry, you are surrounded by people who llove and care about you. Its normal to feel lonley sometimes, but that is the illness, not because of your situation. Please see that you have so many people around who care.

I think right now, you feel unable to take responsbility for your own actions and saftey. Perhaps this is why you dont want to to ask or talk to the staff.
But honestly, no matter how hard it is, if you talk to the staff, that is how you will get better. You can keep things to yourself, you have to tell them and make them listen.
I miss you, Jo misses you, your family misses you an thats just to name a few. Thats without looking at what you are missing out on. There is so much you are missing out on. Once things improve you will see the world in colour again. Things are going to get better hun. Yes it is going to take time, but it will happen.

Hate to use this line but chin up, keep fighting, things will be ok. *cuddles*

Lynnieb88 · 22-07-2008, 07:59 PM

Kerry *snuggles* i loves you lots! i do mummy! *nods* and i gots a postcard!

I wish i had the words to take all the pain from you and make you feel ok, Like everyones been saying im there with you in spirit, even if its just a little random thought of me that pops in im there! and and i love you lots!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sparklyshoes · 22-07-2008, 08:54 PM

*snuggles* Kerry I know you are struggling right now sweetheart but make the best of it while you are there. Don't push yourself and just uz you cant ask the staff just yet it doesn't mean that you can't just don't beat yourself up for not being able to do it just yet. Please keeping on fighting, do it for yourself sweety you deserve to be well xx

D-liscious · 26-07-2008, 11:07 PM

kerry

Hunny *snuggles* you know where i am if you need me, my phone is always on, please accept the help i love you and want to see you well

cakeybites · 27-07-2008, 12:41 PM

thankyou all so much for just being here for me. again, you so don't realise how much it means to me.
I am on day leave at the moment, and have to do at least one overnight leave, before i will be allowed to come home.
i am trying so hard to get better, but everytime i think i am doing it, it just falls apart again.
yesterday i came home, i had a fab day with justin and the kids. just doing stuff. i even did some houswork. so why did i feel so bad when i was back at the hospital? i don't know. nothing happened, nothing went wrong. i just felt apsolutly ****. i got back to the hospital, and i cried myself to sleep. when i woke up, all i could think of was what i would do if i had some blades( the ones sneaked in where found and taken away, and i havn't tried to get any more in). all night. they gave me sleeping tablets, and it still took me hours to sleep.
it feels wrong that i should feel like this, i had a good day. the day before, i felt ok, my head was quiet, and i smiled for the first time in a long time. so why do i feel so bad. i don't understand.
anyway. that is me at the moment. i feel like i am letting you all, and my family and friends down.
so i feel i should apologise. i know you will all tell me off for saying it, but i feel i need to.
i'm sorry.
*clings tightly to kim* i miss you too

blue_cloud · 27-07-2008, 12:56 PM

hi there i don't know you but i have been where you are and i just wanted to tell you your not letting anyone down *hug* i wish i had something of more help to say but just know that where you are you are being kept safe and that is the best thing at least for now xx

irkeninvader · 27-07-2008, 03:17 PM

*hugs you* I'm sure no one thinks you are letting them down. You are trying and that is the important thing. Take care of yourself

CaiteeBug · 27-07-2008, 07:58 PM

Kerry, every cloud has its silver lining and I'm sure you'll find yours soon hun. Until then, I'm sendin you some positive energy your way.

Bitter_Angel · 27-07-2008, 09:02 PM

urgh i just wrote a long reply an then my comp crashed =[ *kicks comp*

Kerry the fact that you had a good day an still felt this way shows that you are not to blame for any of this. It truley is a chemical inbalance and all that.
You know there are some postives in what you just said. You have not tried to sneak any more blades in. this is a really good thing. Not long ago you wouldnt have cared, you where to intent on destroying yourself, least now you are starting to accept the help and i know how big a step that can be.

We wont be disappointed in you while you are still trying, you cant let us down as long as you are here to fight another day.
Theres going to be good days an **** days an plain normal days. But one day you will wake up and realise that you havnt had a **** day for a while. Its just going to take time. But i know you can do it. You have come so far already and i am really proud of you.
*cuddles*
Keep fighting this sweetie, you are going to win it.

Affinity · 27-07-2008, 10:57 PM

Well Kim said it all for me.
Your facing this and fighting all the way and thats all any of us ever wanted.
I won't repeat myself cos you know how I feel.
It was great to have you sat in my kitchen tonight talking , like old times, no sadness, no sorrow, just my best friend.
Its gonna be toughat times, but you have people around to help and support you, you just have to tell us before it gets too bad.
I'm starting to waffle *giggles*
Just remeber I love you loads, you are the sister I wish I had.
xx

cakeybites · 29-07-2008, 03:14 PM

you all think i am trying so har and getting positive help and doing well, yet you all ask if i am putting on an act. what am i supposed to do? you guys are the people that had the faith in me. the faith i can't have. but you don't.i have had a couple of good days. the ones of you that know me well will know how long it is since i had any good days. i am not gonna make any promises i can't keep. i am not gonna promise not to si. i can't make that promise. the thing i am promising, is that right now, at this moment, i am not gonna go out and kill myself. that is my promise. i still can't see past tommorrow, and i am still finding it hard. a couple of good days do not change that. what has changed is that i do not have the constant voices shouting in my head, telling me what i should be doing. the main thing that has changed though, is that i don't want to die. just right now and this moment, i want to keep going. and my promise is that if i ever get that bad again where dying seems my only option, i will tell someone. there is my promise. if you want to think it is just an act, then feel free. but if the people who know me best of all have no faith in me, the people who say they love me, and care about me, then how can i, who hates me, and doesn't care about me, how can i have faith in me?
please please please, don't stop holding on to me, i need you. if i m fighting alone, i will fail.
i am sorry i had to say all that, i just had to get it out of my head. i care a lot about you all. please don't ever forget that.

Casper_Fading · 29-07-2008, 10:42 PM

*has faith* i would rather you cut a little then died alot *nods*

honey even if you can't see past tomorrow you can still SEE tomorrow. I will enver let go. I dont' think any of us will!!!!! *cuddles you tightly* We're all thinking abuot you and when you can let down that final act and just be you, good OR bad it will be a huge step. Just...*cuddles tightly* thinking of you.