Triggering (SI/OD) - feel so bad tonight, feel like cutting badly
Things went way wrong tonight. A close friend told her brohter something that she felt i had said or felt i had implied, when i hadn, and it all got blown out of proportion. They feel its my fault, they cant understand why i am upset at her for assuming something wrongly, i guess familes stick together eh?
I have Borderline (BPD) i want to cut, with razor blades, i used to cut badly, and i stopped for about 6 years, recently got back into cutting as i didnt have my usual medication of lorazapam to calm me down, i've taken one tonight, but i still so desperatly want to cut. usually i have been using other things to gough out holes in my skin to make sure they scar. for every scar reminds me of how bad i am how no one understands me, unless they have BPD or have known me at my worst (about 10 tys ago) I even wanted to overdose the other day, and that frightened me
A girl i knew who was really young died in a freak accident this week, she was 28 adn so nice. I feel guilty because shes not here, and she would be enjoying life, and i feel so guilty writing this, but ever wonder if it had been you? ever wonder how much easier that would make your life, only it would make those around you find life very hard.
My support system has broken down completley. I dont mean to emotionally blackmail friends, i dont mean to not see things in grey, i dont mean to blown things out of proportion, but thats me, and i've lost many a friend through my borderline. and it seems i'm just about to lose more.
I came here as i know others with BPD will understand me, help me even if you havent any advice any kind words of understanding would be good right now
I just dont know what to do
Last edited by Sisqi : 22-07-2008 at 01:31 AM.
Reason: sorry for the spelling mistakes, i'm in such a rush to get all feelings out! i have underlying manic depression too! bi-polai
I don't actually have BPD, but I can relate to how you're feeling.
Cutting is just a temporary solution that makes things worse in the end. You were right to come here for support though. I know things may be hard right now, but they will get better.
I'm so sorry your going through all of this, having to deal with BPD, Bi-polar & SI, must be so difficult. *holds you*
Hopfully in time your family will get over what they thought you had done, family fogive & forget don't worry. If your still feeling upset & don't think they understand what you really meant, why don't you write them a letter explaining what happened or have a chat to someone who you feel might understand a bit better?
Stopping for 6 years if unbelievable! If that isn't an acheviement, I don't know what is! I hope your proud of youself? cause I'm so proud of you!
Don't let this slip up get you down, you can still keep fighting & keep on trying to stop cutting. If your feeling the stronger urges to cut becuase of lack of meds, why don't you try to get more in supply? Or make a calender & mark out all the days you need to get more before you run out?
I'm sorry about your friend. *sends flowers*
Have you seen how distraught her family is? Can you imagne what you dying would do to yours? Your friend died in an acciendent & thats no doubt turned her family upside down. What do you think would happen to your family if you killed yoursef? & it wasn't an accident? They would always be left thinking 'What if we could have saved her?'
They may not understand you, but they love you & couldn't bear to be without you.
Have you thought about speaking to your GP about getting more support? Once you learn to get everything under control you can get your freinds back. Maybe you could give them something to help them understand you better, like a book or leaflet?
I have a support system, i have a shrink, i have a gp. i have a therapist, so i have all of those (of sorts anyway) I have a good family, its just stupid little things that set me off and anyone with bpd will understand that you just go from one extreme feeling to the other, no grey only black and white, love one day hate the next. good friend hate them the next.
I was talking to a friend who has mental problems recently, and she was saying how for the rest of our lives we will have our ups and downs yes, but we are battling an illness that will never go away and how much of a struggle it is, and how we dont ever reward ourself for that struggle and how others see us, but dont understand the struggle if that makes sense
My friends are always saying that i twist things, i read between lines, and yes i might do, but thats not my fault, its the illness, its me.......
my therapist says we go through life, at one time its good and happy, and we think that when we go through the happy times that thats it, we've gone through our bad times, we are on the up, yet there is never going to be an up, there is always going to be a down again and again.
I know i am off subject and talking and ranting, but on a high right now, so sort of writing as i thinik
i now 6 years is an achievment, and thank you for acknowledging it. I thought i was pretty much better. no meds for about 3 years. but like my therapist says you have the ups and never forget the downs will always come.
I read a post about a guy with a guy, and i cried , i really cried, he spoke about the children playing outside, and i remember thinking on the way to the mental hospital the first time about the tree's and how beautiful they were, and how i was never going to see them again. and i did, and i felt proud i guess. but the thing is, they didnt look as beautiful on the way home. weird that?
Anyway does anyone fell they overuse their illness? blame their illmness to much? i sometimes think that i do, but i dont know, i never met anyone else with bpd, except for on the net....just a question
