Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - veryTriggering rant Im at the end of trying

[falling tears]

i dont know what to do, its stupid, i know it is but i just cant stop it. Everything triggers it, and i scare myself. My self harm has got so bad and even though the cutting is not soo deep and doesnt require any trips to a&e, its now me doing drugs, and inhailing solvents at any spare time. or burning myself and not taking the write dosage of my medication, or peircing parts of my body and scratching the surface of my skin of, or washing myself in anti bacterial hand gel and bleach, or taking my own blood with one of my needles until i feel ill, or making myself sick,or anything i can get my hands hold of.

I just do not feel in control atm and everything i do is just a big blur, Im scared that one of these days its gonna go too far and even though i dont care about myself, i do not want to do anything on an inpulsive feeling, and im scared i will. i want to know that if i was to kill myself it would be when i was fully aware of my actions and reasons. (do I make any sence?)

i really am really finding it soo hard to cope atm, and all the flash backs are just driving me insane. i dont fee very with it and i dont know what to do. i cant get the past out of my head.

I am scared of being abused and used again. i dont want to be raped anymore, i feel so dirty and evil and weak,

Everything just seems so fucked up, and i really am frightened. the flash backs just dont stop and i feel asthough i am back in the same fucking place it happened, and now in my head it feels like it is never going to stop. And knobody cares because i am too vile to be cared about.

Im sorry for being stupid and discusting everyone. i just dont know what to do.

[pretty_in_pain]

calm down sweetie, have you got any help at the moment, anyone you can talk to about this?

[pixiedust]

Sweetheart *cuddles* you are not vile or disgusting at all. I know you feel like it but I promise you you're not. You're one of the most loveliest people I know and I couldn't wish for a better friend than you. Are you talking to your drugs counsellor about the drugs? Is it helping at all? Please try and stay strong poppet. You really do mean so so much to me. I can't wait 'til Friday so I can give you a big hug. I love you Jenny xx

[falling tears]

I cant wait to see you either laura. i am just havin a horrible crappy fucked up day, and my memory is rubbish atm, i forgot i was meeting my councellor today and went to freeport instead.

i dont know whats gonig on with my head at the moment.

i hope your not too bad.

[pixiedust]

*cuddles you* But did you enjoy Freeport? Could you rearrange to see your counsellor? What I find helpful (my memory is rubbish too!) is to write lots of post it notes and put them around my room to remind me the things I need to remember. Could you do something similar? Here if you want to talk *hugs* xxx