Triggering (Suicide) - *od/si* I HAVE LOST IT NOW- UPDATE

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 01:35 PM

I just want someone to kill me, like now. Please. Life.. fuck it.
I have alot more pills left from my last 'OD'. I wouldn't call it an OD, I didn't take enough to kill me. I want them to kill me. I am in such a deseprate position right now, I can't describe. No-one has come to see me today so far, i don't think they will. I think they all hate me, and they obviously all want me to die. If they know I'm in such a fucking unsafe position. Nearly ODed every single day for the past days. I want to buy more. Until I have enough to kill me right, and i mean properly. What's the point, I'm fed up of trying, I'm fed up of fighting these suicidal urges all of the time. I can't be bothered to try anymore. What's the point?

I want to cut until my body is covered with blood. I want to hurt badly so I die. All I have to do is swallow them, that's why i find it so easy. It didn't hep before that they were sugar coated either. I have alcohol as well. I could drink all of it, then take all of those pills, then cut everywhere.
I really want to do it.
So badly.
If the therapist comes today, I don't want to give in my letter, she's not going to kill me. She'll probably just be worried then bugger off, and not care. Cause no-one does. I don't. So how can I expect love from anyone else? I hate myself. You look at me, what do you see, all I see is complete Shite. Shite. Shite shite. They know I'm suicidal every single fucking day-
they don't do bugger all. I want someone to kill me, now.
Please please please. What's the point.
__________________________________________________ _____________

Please someone Help.
The therapist didn't fucking see me today.
She wants me to die, like everyone else does. I am really losing myself now, and close to suicide.
And I don't mean through an OD either.
My Mum took my fucking tablets from me, and it is making me very frustated.
My Mood has rocketed down bottom/
I HAVE TRIED SO HARD.
TO BE STRONG
CAUSE I THOUGHT SHE WOULD SEE ME.
but she hasn't, she's probably fully booked, like my bloody counsellor.
I HAVE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE SO MANY TIMES NOW>
and I can't take this anymore.
I really can't.
I'm meant to be dead by now.
Don't you get it.
I can't do this shit anymore.
i want to cut my wrists open.
So badly.
Someone help.
I'm really losing the plot here.
Fuck it.
I want to die.
And I'm being selfish I know, I have probably triggered someone now.
I wrote two bloody completely honest letters.
I printed it off,
that cost money you know?
And I'll probably never see her again.
My counsellor blatanty doesn't like me. No-one does.
That's why they did those things to me, IN SCHOOL>
They all want me to die.
SO
they'll be sorry.
THEY'LL ALL BE FUCKING SORRY.
I really can't take this anymore.
I'm losing my head.

I don't have any of their numbers and the samaritans were a bit crap when I phoned them.
I just want someone to kill me.
I am crying now.
I can't take this anymore.

Sometimes Crazy · 21-07-2008, 01:42 PM

Darling, we all care about you so so much. You're a huge part of our community family and we need you and we'll try to help. Why do you feel like you don't want to give your therapist your letter? If you have a crisis line, it may be an idea to call them - they should have to take you seriously because the amount of OD's will be damaging you and they need to take note. Is there any particular trigger to these episodes of feeling suicidal? I hear your desperation for freedom from this but you can and will survive. You will beat this and, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you have so many behind you cheering you on. Try and move any pills you have away from you and keep talking, you're doing really well to talk to us and post this. Stay safe

xx

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 01:47 PM

Thanks Engnima, I don't think she will believe me. I Don't want to ring anybody, I'm not on a special crisis line or anything-
=/
Not really, it just kind of starts to build up. I accidentally triggered myself yesterday with a song. And then a friend rang me saying she started to OD. I was already in a vulnerable position. I'm scared the therapist won't come today, and I really need to f**ing see her.xxx

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 02:00 PM

I am starting to deeply crave ODing again.
The pill aren't with me. But I want them with me, i'm so pissed my Mum is here, otherwise I could of done it by now, finally.

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 02:01 PM

I'm so worthless *screams*

crazykat · 21-07-2008, 02:12 PM

Can you not ring your therapist and let her know how unsafe you are feeling right now?

I know how easy it is when you feel this low to think nobody cares, I can't speak for the people in your life, but from what I have seen around RYL, people here do care for you. I know it feels like nothing can ever get better and like this is the only way out but trust me things can and will get better.

You have to be alive to see this tho. Is it possible for you to get rid of the tablets you have? So you don't have the temptation there. Keep talking to us here if it helps we are here for you and will do our best to support you through this hard time.

Take care
Kat xxx

Cazki · 21-07-2008, 02:18 PM

Hey im really sorry your feeling like this. Please dont od, please get rid of the pills. You dont need them. They will cause so much damage, its really not worth it, please get rid of them. Do you know what it is thats causing you to feel this way? Please dont give up, keep fighting. I care about you and i dont want anything to happen to you. I know its hard fighting these feelings but you can get through this. Things will get better they wont be like this forever.

Take care best wishes Ian

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 02:19 PM

No, cause she's not 'my therapist'
My counsellor sent her down to assess me after I left hospital, because I was there recently for an OD overnight in a children's ward.
She was meant to be visiting me before Wednesday. But I don't think she will. Wednesday is when I'm next seeing my counsellor. I'm scared to see the therapist, but I really need to see her, or my counsellor. I can't ring my counsellor either, I don't have her number, and I'm too scared too anyway. Thank you for the support,
xxx

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 02:20 PM

I have recently Oded techinally speaking four times in the last fortnight..
So I know if I do take another one, it will probably kill me.xx

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 02:22 PM

I was just close to drinking some alcohol.
xx

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 02:23 PM

But it's my Mums, and she's here, so I can't really drink it without her knowing,

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 02:25 PM

I told the therapist
"If I am close to doing it again, I'll call someone.."
I don't have the courage to call someone!
xx
I damn wish I did.

crazykat · 21-07-2008, 02:27 PM

Can you let your mum know how you are feeling? Would she have the number to your therapist? Or perhaps if you really feel unable to keep yourself safe it would be best to go down to the hospital and tell them how you feeling so they can help keep you safe.

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 02:31 PM

I can't go down to the hospital! I can't do that. They'll keep me there forever. The hospital is nearby, but I can't tell my Mum. the therapist wants me to talk to my Mum if I'm feeling unsafe. But it's too scary-
I can't go down to the hospital.
I just want to die-
but no-one who I have told has really believed me.

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 02:37 PM

I just cried to my Mum I don't want to be here anymore.
She said what will happen to me.
I said I don't care...
I am crying.
I just want to die.
I just want to fucking die.

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 02:40 PM

She wants me to call a helpline.
I refused.
I'm not calling any damn helpline.
They have never met me before.
xx

crazykat · 21-07-2008, 02:42 PM

The hospital won't keep you there forever, they may just keep you there till you feel a bit safer. They will help support you through this hard time until you feel a bit stronger to cope with it on your own.

What scares you about telling your mum? I know you feel like you want to die, but i think that there is a small bit of you that wants to live to get through you. That bit even tho small, I think is why you are posting and asking for help. You should be proud of yourself for that.

Who have you told today? What makes you think they don't believe you?

crazykat · 21-07-2008, 02:44 PM

Well done for telling your mum that sounds like a huge step, I know ringing someone you don't know can be scarey but sometimes it can really help, what have you got to lose.

CoffeeawakestheArtist · 21-07-2008, 03:01 PM

My Mum just took all of my pills...
I am really upset now.
She better not have taken my tools...
I called the samritans before, and I didn't really find it helpful, to be honest.
I tried to get them off her.
She says I'm not allowed them until my Dad comes back???
what?? So it doesn't matter if I die while daddy's home?
What the hell.
I know how to sui another way.
i have thought about it.
I tried it before But I got too scared... I'm not so scared anymore.

crazykat · 21-07-2008, 03:09 PM

I know your upset because she took all your pills. She is only doing it because she cares about you tho. Please try and get this help that you need and deserve. I am really sorry but I have to go now but please reach out to those around you and get the help you need. Best of luck with everything. Take care
Kat xxx