Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Flashbacks or false memories

[Fidget]

I was abused by three people in my past but as far as I know they never touched me *down there* with their hands.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : graphic maybe?

I get feelings, hands all over me. Hands on my shoulders and in my hair, moving down, touching my chest, grabbing but gently, almost tickling. Then hands between my legs, touching softly but urgently, like they want something from there.

I don't know what these are. Are they actually flashbacks to something I've blocked out or have I made them up to excuse how f*cking messed up I am feeling?

My poor boyfriend doesn't know whether he's coming or going with me, sometimes everything is fine and other times, he touches me and I flinch and jump like a scared rabbit. I told him about the abuse but still, he thinks that I'm jumping because of him and I'm not because I love him and want to marry him, but if I keep jumping and being a stupid idiot and not wanting him anywhere near me I'm going to push him away completely and he's never going to want to have anything to do with me again but I can't stop the flinching because it's involuntary.

I'm on the verge of giving up. Everyone thinks I'm doing so well and that I've got over my *issues* but they're still there and I can't get over them, sometimes I think I don't want to because I have an excuse.

[Sometimes Crazy]

I can really relate to you with feeling like you should be "over" this issues, more than I could tell you. But what I get told, what I'm trying to believe and what I know deep down is true is that there is no time limit to getting over these things. It all happens in it's own time and repressing these memories and the healing process will only bring more pain. In a way, you need to fully "grieve" the abuse for it to be put behind you and you be able to move forward. It's not uncommon for the feelings you describe to happen to people - feelings or symptoms coming back to the surface. They can be anything from "feeling" the abuse to thinking you can see people or anything. During these times when you feel it, it can be scary so what some people do is write them down. Even keep it in a journal or on scraps of paper you can burn when the feeling passes.

I hear that you don't want your boyfriend to feel like it's his fault - do you talk enough to let him in more on what you're experiencing? Communication is the best way you can stop him from feeling guilty for what's happening. How are you with general cuddling or anything? - or is it just intimate stuff where you become panicky? Hopefully with talking to him, you'll be able to take it all slowly while you heal from all this. Take care lovely and well done for posting,

xx

[Caru y Nos]

Have you explained that you love him and that it isn't him, but false memories/flash backs?... if you have, then he should be understanding and more than supporting.


I don't have much else to add to what's already been said, but getting a councilor and professional help is the best idea. Re-read Enigma and Crazy Rabbit Lady's posts, they're brilliantly written and full of advice.


Take Care,
Josh

[makeartnotwar]

I was sexually abused when I was little. Last summer I had my first "serious" boyfriend, and I had the same exact problem. The hands-it's awful, and you feel so uncomfortable with any physical contact at times. It took me a long time to explain it to my boyfriend, but he was so understanding. Just remember that as much as it's bothering you, it's upsetting him too, but I can pretty much promise that he doesn't blame you.

It's really, really hard. But if you've explained things to him and whatnot, then you've done all you can do for your part.
It gets better.
*hugs*

[Fidget]

Thank you all for your replies (and hugs).

Enigma - I'm absolutely fine with cuddles and stuff, it's the intimate stuff that's a big issue, we have talked about it though but I think I needed to address it more and tell him how and what effects me, maybe he'd stop the touching so much then.

Crazy Rabbit Lady - I don't have a counsellor at the moment, I used to but stopped going to see her just over a year ago (big mistake I guess but we never did see eye to eye). I get the idea of trying to forget and push it to the back of my mind and i'll certainly try to.

Caru y Nos - I think deep down he knows it's not him but in the past I haven't made that clear to him so I think he's been second guessing himself. I'm going to try to talk more about it now though.

makeartnotwar - I'm glad that you managed to talk to your boyfriend about it. Did it make it easier afterwards?

Thank you all again