Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I'm losing the will to live
I don't know where to start today. I feel awful. I feel as though I need to cut myself, but I want to keep cutting until I die!
I have been undergoing psychtherapy for a few weeks and I have been really honest with my therapist - maybe a bit too honest? I have told her all about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my brother, from the age of 6. I have also told her that I used to self-harm as a young teenager. But what I am now struggling with is being honest about how bad the self-harm has got again now! I think it's got worse now cos of talking about what caused me to SI originally and also dragging up all the emotions linked to the abuse. I thought therapy was meant to make you feel better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today everything seems to be getting on top of me. I don't want to continue feeling like this for the rest of my life. I can't see how to stop it all hurting. It feels like my only option to escape the memories and the pain is to end it all. What choice do I have. I used to feel better when I cut myself, but now that doesn't seem to be enough to keep me alive.
I don't want to hurt my family. I have two young children who I know would be traumatised if I were to leave them now, but what use am I to them like this? I love them dearly but feel that there are times when they would be better off without me!!!
I feel so alone. I cant talk to my husband about this. He is useless in a crisis!
I just keep thinking - it would only take one cut in the right place and all the pain would disappear. I feel guilty for wanting to leave my kids tho. What else can I do?
It is understandable that talking about what happened to you is, in the short term, making things worse but the fact that you are posting here and are getting counselling shows that you are taking the steps in the right direction.
Whatever you think I can absolutely guarantee that your children would not be 'better off without' you and you need to stay strong as much for them as yourself.
*hugs*
HtF
Ps. All men I useless in a crisis…I am one so I should know
Susie,
What is happening in therapy is that it is pulling up emotions that it may not have been safe to deal with then. That it is difficult and painful is not bad. Think of it like an emotional surgery, you're being opened up to get the bad stuff out. It hurts horribly to start with, but then afterwards you'll be able to heal completely.
That may not seem like much reassurance but it does get better. As painful as it is, i've found that the pain is worth it.
*hugs you*
Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Sweetie, I'm sorry, I don't have anything for you, just letting you know that I read and that I care... and that I think Susan (my lovely and wise RYL-Mother) is on the right track.
Please take care hun.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Thanks to you all for your reassurance and hugs. I wish I was as sure as you that therapy will get easier - I guess I will just have to take your word for it!!!
I still feel very depressed and it scares me when I get this low. I am scared that I will start cutting and won't be able to stop again.
I did cut again last night and I hate myself for having done it. I have got a therapy session today and again on Thursday - I'm dreading them cos I hate admitting how useless I am and feel.
I know I need to beat this - I'm just not sure how to do it or even if I can do it!
Susie,
Don't fight the process. Don't fight yourself. Instead think of it as going along with the process of therapy. And taking care of yourself by not cutting.
Please keep talking to us?
Hugs
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
you hold on to those beautiful children...thats what you do. you live for them if nothing else can keep you alive. its what ive found that works for me. i think of my little boy and he doesnt even live with me....but he is my saving grace. let your children be your saving grace too.
*snuggles tight*
much love.
xxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
Today I feel slightly better. I went to therapy and offloaded the whole lot. I told my therapist that i had self-harmed again - i even took a deep breath and showed her my latest wound. I needed her to know how bad its got again. I had got to the stage that i didnt care if she hated me - she couldnt feel worse about me than i think about myself. But she was fantastic - she even helped me clean and dress the wound. Not once did i feel like she judged me. I think it has helped me cos i feel like ive offloaded loads of crap that i was carrying around with me.
I think deep down that it is my kids that keep me alive. I know it would destroy them if i were to end it all. None of this is their fault. I owe it to them to stay alive, i guess.
Thanks for all your support. I couldnt have got thro the last few days without you all.
Another session with my therapist has gone and it is a new day - but i'm still left with the same old **** to deal with.
I am struggling today. I want to cut so badly. I need to feel the pain and see the blood. My struggle seems to be between cutting and dying. I cant cope any more. The whole world would be better off without me.
you can do this hunni.
just think about your children. i used to HATE it when people would say that to me. but ive realized that HE is the one that ive lived for...and maybe just one day you can live for yourself.
keep holding on.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
Hi Susie,
I'm quite new here and reading your thread just reminded me of me!!! Although I was abused by my Dad and not my brother.
I have 3 children and I know it is them that keep me going - but some days that just doesn't seem to be enough and I cant cope.
I've had counselling and I get all over the place when I open up old wounds and I cant really say it helped as I still feel the rawness etc.
Am here if i can help
julie
I have hit absolute rock bottom. I feel uncannily calm planning my end. It all seems so straightforwrd, but I know it won't be for those I leave behind.
I do keep thinking of my children and that has kept me safe so far, but I don't know if it's enough.
I cut myself last night, hoping that it would relieve some of the pressure, but it doesn't feel like it's changed very much, except I now have some new wounds.
I am fighting this as much as I can, but I don't know how much longer I can stop myself.
Sorry to dump this on you all. I know everybody has problems.
Please talk to someone hun, your husband or your doctor. Or just go down to the hospital so they can keep you safe. Don't throw everything away, I'm sure deep down there is part of you that wants to keep going and get through this. I realise this was posted a while ago and I hope you're still okay. Update us when you can? *hugs you*
i really wish you would get help. call a crisis line. tell them your plans. someone needs to know. and i also know that sounds stupid to you because thats the last thing you want. your kids need you. no one can replace a Mommy. think of your pain right now. their's will be the same or more. im sorry if thats harsh..its just the truth. and i really am terrified for you.
is there someone that could keep your children for a while and you could go into a hospital and have some intensive therapy? i know thats a stretch but maybe it could happen?
thinking of you.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
