sorry for posting and wasting space. i just don't know what else to do with myself right now. I don't even have my dvds or arts and crafts to distract me cuz they are in the new place I'm moving in to. tho the new place is prolly just temporary.
I've been renting a room from a family. it seemed ideal at first. until the 16 year old bratty daughter stole my debit card and drained my bank account. I'm still trying to get those charges reversed, but am running out of time and getting worried. I'm still waiting for school to send me my paychecks, they owe me between 2-3k right now and I'm running low on cash and could REALLY use that money (especially, you know, to pay for things like rent and therapy).
My cat's at my parents house. I want to go get her NOW. But I can't yet. Gotta finish moving first. I hate that she's there. I was in the hospital last week (had fluid in my abdomen) and my aunt was supposed to watch my cat, NOT take it to my parents house. I'm pissed at all of them right now.
I tried to enter into a psych hospital voluntarily last night. I've been trying to eat more, but it's hard. I feel so fucking fat. I know I'm fat, there's no arguing with that. I have instructors who care too much and try to get me to eat too, which only makes it worse. I ate blueberries this past week, and was forced to try to eat a little bit at the university commons. That's a LOT more than I usually eat in a week. I'm positive I must have gained weight, I've been afraid to check though cuz I know I'll hurt myself if the numbers have gone up. the first 7 hospitals I tried denied me admission. I told them I was thinking about hurting myself, but didn't want to. They thought I was apparently too rational and not bad off enough to be admitted. I don't know what the world is coming to when you're threatening to slit your wrists and still aren't allowed to be hospitalized. Apparently you have to be actively trying to kill yourself and not want the help in order to recieve it. I'm not sure why I tried an 8th hospital after all that, obviously I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve the help. The 8th hospital tried to put me on a two week hold. wtf? I'd have a problem with even a 72 hour hold, especially since I just wanted to go voluntarily for the weekend, to get me thru til I could go to school and see my therapist to talk things thru. And they weren't even gonna hold me cuz of the cutting... it was the very little amount (they thought it was little I feel like a fat cow) of food I've been eating that caused them to want to hold me that long. Good thing they didn't know that the bloodwork I had done when I was really ill in the hospital last week showed signs of malnutrition (I don't understand how, when I'm fat). It was hard enough to get them to let me go home as it was, even tho I started telling them everything I knew they wanted to hear to let me leave. I had to work damn hard. too hard. Then I ended up in the ER. Too many diet pills on an empty stomach apparently is very bad for your heart, and combining that with having low potassium levels is even worse. Good thing the psych hospital got me all warmed up for talking my way out of a two week hold, because I had to use those same skills again to escape from the ER. I didn't even know anywhere could hold you for two fucking weeks! I've only got one week left of school, I've got all A's right now, I CAN'T fuck that up! If I weren't doing this well, and if it weren't for the fact I only have this one more week left, I might have staid at the hospital. I might talk to my therapist about going into a hospital for two weeks but VOLUNTARILY, NOT on a hold (I refuse to be put on a hold, especially when I'm willing to cooperate, it's just not fair...) and only after this term of school is done. I'd still have a lot to think about though, especially cuz that'd mean being without my cat for two weeks.
I hate being afraid to even leave my room at the place I've been renting. I shouldn't be living like this. I dont like the new place either but it's the lesser of two evils I suppose. I hate feeling trapped and confined to my room though. the new place has a washer and dryer but they don't work. it doesn't even have wireless internet either. and it's living with a middle aged guy who owns the place, he makes me uncomfortable, and he doesn't speak very good english, and a 60 year old woman who is renting a room across from mine, who I have to share a bathroom with and who watches her tv all the time in her room and has it way too loud. but I like the area. I suppose I can find someplace out in public to tap in to the internet, or just use it at school. I'll probably hardly ever be home anyway. So I'll give it a try, but I'm also gonna try to find a place in that same area but living with students who are my age.
If you get rid of the pain before you have answered its questions, you get rid of the self along with it.
--Carl Jung
are you able to get other accomodation. lving somewhere that you are not happy isnt going to be much help.
try http://www.tv-links.cc/movie/index.html, you can watch films there.
i hope you get your money back, it was awful of that girl to do that. did you contact the police?
gosh i really dont know what to say.
just hope you get things sorted xx
thanks... i've bookmarked that link, it'll come in handy I'm sure.
I wanted to move out more of my stuff in the middle of the night tonight, but the arse who owns the place is still up, having a hard time sleeping or something.
I at least didn't hurt myself. I got a really kick ass tat instead. Feels about the same, releases the endorphins the same, but the 'scar' that is left is a lot more attractive. One of my friends wanted a tat and wanted me to go with him. So I did. We hung out at the place that LA ink is filmed at, didn't get them there cuz I talked him out of it (they have a minimum $200 rate and all he wanted was something that I knew could be done for $40 if that). So we had an adventure driving around aimlessly in LA. Just before midnight we got in so they could do his tat. It was so small it took more time to set up than actually do the artwork. While they were doing all that I was sketching out a design with some colored pencils in the studio and came up with this kick ass design. It's a dragonfly, and in the wings there's the symbol for eating disorder recovery (only modified a bit, because I didn't want it real obvious so that everyone could tell, but it's still close enough). They were closing up by that point, but they were nice enough to stay late to do my tat (even tho it took a while). So I got it done on the top of my foot (surprisingly didn't hurt as bad there as I thought... but then, I have a high pain tollerance). I REALLY like it. A lot. Not sure if I like this one better or the horse on my leg better. I like all five of my tats really.... especially cuz I designed them all myself, so they mean more. And they're a good distraction from cutting.
If you get rid of the pain before you have answered its questions, you get rid of the self along with it.
--Carl Jung
And I wanna move my stuff in the middle of the night to avoid confrontation or any form of interaction with the guy who owns the house. He's been drinking a lot (a LOT... as in, I haven't seen him sober for more than one hour a day) and gets very agressive when he drinks, and the last time he really scared me.
If you get rid of the pain before you have answered its questions, you get rid of the self along with it.
--Carl Jung
