Don't you notice? The hoodies in 90 degree weather, the razors that coincidentally go missing the day after you buy them, the way I always have an excuse to not go swimming? You don't see it. I've never told you that I cut myself, but as a parent shouldn't you see the signs? You won't take me to counseling anymore, no matter how many times I try to explain it to you. The thing of it is, you know. You're on anti-depressants, so you know how it is to be this fucking low. To feel so anxious, so sick all the time, so afraid of everything. And if you know, why aren't you trying to help me? Is it that you don't care, that you have other children so if one dies it doesn't really matter? Please tell me, because I'm slipping. I'm not okay and I'm not getting better. You're ignoring my problems, you're not listening, and you're not getting me the help I need. Mom, I'm afraid that I'm never going to get better. I'm afraid of everything, I'm scared to talk to people, I hate who I am and the things I've done. I've never told you about the drugs and the drinking and whatever else, but I feel like you'd pay more attention to that. You'd be more worried about what I was doing to myself on the inside than on the outside. But don't you see? I hurt myself outside because of everything in my head. Watching my stepdad get drunk and do drugs and beat you, and the millions of other things you don't even know about, they've effected me, whether you want to admit it or not. I'm sorry I can't deal with it. I'm sorry I can't just put it out of my head. I'm sorry that when I hear noises at night I automatically start to feel sick because I think he's hurting you again. I'm sorry you were young and my dad was a loser, and I'm sorry that I disappoint you sometimes. But mom, as much as I've let you down, you're letting me down. By staying with him and letting him hurt you. And above all, by not helping me. I'm asking you for the last time. Don't be someone who stands on the sidelines and trys not to notice, thinking it'll go away-be my mother. I love you, and I need you.
this time she said, it's over
she said next time, forever
i can't explain, i'll take the blame.
i brought this all on myself.
visions that i've seen
always haunt me in my dreams
they say that you two just friends,
oh, but that's not the way it seems
now it's not like i'm trying to be up all night,
just trying to come to terms with all the love i've lost.
i think you should show this to your mother, see what she says. there's nothing rude in it that would hurt her. in fact i think that it would help her see that you're still hurting, and it would probably make her feel really loved since you said it hurts you to see your stepfather hurt her. she's in pain too, let her see your pain and help each other.
i'm here if you want to talk anytime. (:
Please show this letter to your mum, I know it may feel really scarry at the moment, but if she has had a hard time herself she sould understand better, maybe she has noticed but has chosen not to say anything for fear of the answer ( like we do sometimes).
I remember when I was 19 I went through a really hard time my mum knew I was really depressed, but she didn't know I self harmed or that i'd been doing it for 5 years, I was in hospital when someone suggested I write a letter to my mum and tell her whats going on, so I took a deep breath and did it ( and made sure she didn't read it when I was around). She really had no idea what had been going on and it really helped her to understand and support me better ( probably shouldnt say this but she even said to me if I have to cut do it on my legs not my arms, makes sense now!).
Please be honest with your mum, whats the worst that could happen? It may even make things a little better.
Keep safe,
Thinking of you,
Claire x
Hi
I read your post as a mum of someone who SIs and my heart went out to you; like your mum i didn't know or notice what was happening to my duaghter and although I found it hard at first to really understand I am so glad that she did tell me.
I have made big mistakes in the way I handled things but we have tried to talk these through and I try to be the support she needs.
Please try to tell your mum I'm sure she loves you like I love my daughter; honesty and telling her what you need is so important at the beginning and for the future. I am sure she would want to help if she only understood how, its so very hard for us mums at times, just as it is for you to bear.
Please have a huge hug from me, I will be thinking of you,
please do try to tell your mom.
as she is feeling depressed as well then she will be able to understand.
i know you feel like she should notice all the signs...but she is your mom. she isnt gonna instantly come to the conclusion that you are self harming
my mom didnt ...she just told me that i shouldnt shave so much when the razors were disappearing so often. and that i should see a doctor if i was always feeling cold(cuz i wore fleeces all the time complaining i was cold just so id hide the scars)
I don't really have anything to add to what's been said already but please show the letter to your mom. She'll be able to see how much your hurting on the inside and it might help you both once she knows.
Thinking of you *huge hugs*
Zashi xx
