Triggering (SI/Suicide) - How do you know if you are faking it?

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I was writing in my journal about how there is nothing wrong and how I'm still cutting and how I think I like it and I started thinking about how I think I'm making this all up! Nothing bad has ever happened to me like sexual abuse or anything like that... All I've had to cope with is a mother who tried to hard yet not enough at the same time and the dealths of people and animals whom I loved very dearly. That should not drive someone to cut themselves for so long. When I first started, it was kind of to get back at my mother. In fact one cut was 'for' her, to hurt her. But then I started really likeing it without really realising. I only noticed that today. But like the suicidal thoughts... I know I'd never do it. Yet I'd think about it, a lot. I'm not doing it for attention, or at least I don't think so. Only 4 people know, 2 of which I haven't spoken or seen in months and one of those 2 is a social worker who can't tell anyone because I got a special "lock" on my health records, if she did she'd be fired very quickly. I trust her though. Besides, she probably doesn't rememeber anything anymore anyways. I haven't seen her as a patient since January. The 2 who I do still talk to and see very very often, know a lot. And I mean like everything. I told them what I thought was the truth, but I'm doubting if that was actually what was happening. Like the feelings were all true. I didn't tell them I was sad when I was actually happy or anything like that. But I'm thinking that everything I just made worse to make an excuse.
Or maybe not. Maybe I'm trying to make everything that I was feeling before not important. Try to make it insignificant so I don't think about it. So that all the suicidal thoughts and the cutting can just be put to me wanting attention from them. Maybe it's fear of rejection, or being left alone or not being cared about...
Right now I know they care.
I know they want me to be better.
But at the same time, I think they are getting bored with me. Well... Maybe bored isn't the right word. Hopefully you know what I mean.
In a way, I want this to be all made up. For it all to be in my head. A dream. But at the same time, I want all these feelings, the suicidal thoughts everything(!) to be real so I'm not some pathetic person who is making up excuses to be able to cut herself.
I'm sorry for such a stupid post.
I try not to talk about my problems on here because I don't want to be a burden. I don't know if I even deserve to be here at all. I haven't replied to anyone's posts in so long. I haven't helped anyone!

[88shelz]

ok im not sure how to word this so i hope it comes out ok....
depression and the suicidal feelings are what you have become used to. they seem to feel normal and part of who you are. therefore without those feelings you feel lost and you dnot really know who you are. you arent used to the feeling of "normal" and it makes you scared, worried and panicked. you feel safer with feeling what you know and have accepted. you have to try break out of that cycle though. fight the depression and take control of it.

[Sometimes Crazy]

Let me just make one thing clear, love - people can start self harming for various reasons, it doesn't *have* to be abuse. Please don't feel as if you have to have something "major" happen to feel bad. Self harmers can be people who live in seemingly perfect enviroments or people who obviously have had a trauma in their lives. It can be bereavement, a romance break up, a period of abuse, failing exams - it can be anything that triggers the depression to start self harming. It's the by product of something else going on in your life or how you are feeling. It's very rare for someone to "imagine" up these feelings or continue self harming because they heard about it somewhere, for instance.

I understand how you feel that you shouldn't post for support when you haven't supported much yourself, I know this feeling all too well. But we are all here to help you and support you during this time - don't feel as though you don't deserve us. It's completely understandable you find it "addictive" because it is an addiction. The relief that's found through hurting yourself is an addiction and like any addiction, you need to break it by learning to replace that need with something safer. I'm glad that you can see that people care about you - they want you to feel better, so who do you think talking to would be best? We're all here for you and appreciate how much you support here. Let us help you now :) I hope some of this made sense and has put your mind at ease, lovely. Stay safe,

xx

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I think I'm so used to faking being happy that I can't distinguish between faking anything anymore and it being real.
This is so bloody frustrating!

omg...

i feel like you're me..

this is exactly how i feel..

[-Shae-Lynn*]

Doesn't it suck.
I hate it so much...

[spanish-lullabies]

i can relate to you on the topic of people possibly getting "bored" with you -
and i know what you mean by "bored".
i have had quite a few friends become bored with me too.
and sometimes it IS because they are that - simply bored with it.
they've moved on to another subject.
other times, they may be frustrated or upset because
they don't know how to help you.
so, they may distance themselves from you because
they don't want to worsen the situation.
when that happens, there is often nothing you can do.
which will make you scared/panicked -
you put your trust in them, right? and now they've gone.
you have to move on from it.
i know that might sound strange or cruel coming from me.
but the best thing you can do when someone distances themselves from you
is to simply live your life without them.
try not to worry about it - if they have honor they won't out you.
[unless they're afraid for your safety, then they will be morally obligated to out you.]
i'm rambling now.
if you need to talk, PM me any time.