Long story short, I did something that I had to go to hospital for yesterday morning. I stayed in hospital all day. I enjoyed the help they gave me, the pain of the needle as they gave me a blood test...and now I am desperate to go back.
I know it sounds strange.
Also, my moods have been up and down for a while, though I know why. My brother is coming out of prison on Tuesday afternoon, and even though I want to see him and want him home... I don't at the same time.
For some reason this is triggering me to want to commit suicide, I have access to everything that I could do it with. My dad has a shotgun, that he uses when he goes out hunting (he has a license, and he only kills birds, still it's not very nice I know). I could sneak into his room and get it. He keeps it next to his bed. He's a heavy sleeper...
I... just love my brother so much. He's destroying his life... I can't bear it. He used to be so happy, now he's on various drugs and addicted to smoking. He's been diagnosed with schizophrenia too, the drugs probably brought it out. I won't be able to cope if he starts self-harming. A couple of his friends do it, I'm worried he'll start.
He doesn't know I self-harm, this is going to destroy him. I can't keep my arms covered all the time, I need to cut and I need to put antiseptic cream on my arms too. If he finds me cutting, he's going to try it too. I KNOW HE IS. But I can't stop that easily.
He's 16, he will be 17 soon and I just know he's going to be back in prison within a month of being released. It's been like this for 4 years, I'm amazed I've coped so far.
But... I can't do it anymore.
