Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - I cant do this anymore.

rachelll11 · 20-07-2008, 10:48 PM

I dont know where to begin, im trying my hardest to keep on going, but it feels like im wasting my time. Ive felt this way on and off for years, yet, this year its got so much harder. My dad decided he wanted to carry on with his career in America, and leave my mum, me and sister alone in scotland. He decided he didnt love my mum and since that time he has been drinking like every night, he shouts at me all the time, he gets really angry and spends no time with anyone, he just works all the time. My mum is now on all sorts of medication for depression, and has taken to drinking when she cant cope, resulting in her being drunk on more than one occasion and leaving me to deal with her. The last time she got to upset she started saying she has nothing left and that she wanted to kill herself, and that there is nothing left for her anymore. She also went into detail about my Grandad's death.
I feel like i have nothing, im not coping myself, and about a week and a half a go i ended up getting sexually assaulted.And i blame myself because i had been drinking, and he said he could be trusted and he wasnt going to try anything on with me. Now its all i can think about, its there when i wake up and its always there. I cant even settle down at night because im terrified someone is in my house. Which makes me a nervous wreck pretty much all day, i have come to dread night time, and i know it sounds stupid, but i cant help it. Ive let him win. I cant go to the police because i had been drinking, and he, im sure, has far more friends than me and so he can tell more people a different story.
Im just at a total loss. I dont see where im to go from here.
Im sorry for posting, there doesnt seem much point, im such a mess i dont like deserve help.
I just mess everything up.

guiltyinnocence · 20-07-2008, 11:14 PM

you do deserve help
are u getting any help atm? like from ur doctor or anything?
i can understand how hard it can get with family, iv had similar experiences with my mum talking about suicide and that alone is hard to deal with let alone everything else uv got going on in ur life
can u talk to ur sister about things with ur family?
u really should consider going to the police about this sexual assault..he doesnt deserve to get away with this, hes ruined ur life to the point where ur a nervous wreck
xxxx

Sometimes Crazy · 21-07-2008, 12:45 PM

I'm so sorry that you're in such a difficult situation right now, lovely - is it okay to hug you? I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. You're very brave for posting this thread and we're all proud of you for reaching out for this support. Do you think now is the time to speak to a doctor or someone about what's going on at home? I hear that you feel you aren't coping and that you are failing but you're really not, darling. I agree with the above poster - do you think you could tell the police about your assault? They always take cases like this very seriously and they'll listen properly to you and get you the appropiate counselling. Maybe by doing this you'll be able to move forward and start to feel better? Never blame yourself or take the blame off someone who does this - it wasn't your fault.

I understand how hard it is to wake up every day and know that this kind of thing has happened because I feel the same myself. Some things that help me is listening to music, writing or even drawing out things of my abuse that help me to get it out of my system. Perhaps this could help you too? Take care sweetie and I'm only a PM away if you ever need to talk,

xx

Stellata · 21-07-2008, 07:52 PM

That's a lot of losses. You deserve help, and you need all the support you can get right now. What are your options for getting help?

rachelll11 · 21-07-2008, 09:54 PM

Thank you everyone.
I go to counselling, but havent gone there in a while, last time i went my parents started argueing during my session, and i just dont feel able to talk to someone right now, after i broke down to her last time, and now i feel like a failure for going back.
Currently, thats my only way of getting help.

rachelll11 · 21-07-2008, 11:36 PM

im not coping right now. is there anyone online who i can pm?

Stellata · 22-07-2008, 06:58 AM

How're you doing today, Rachel?

You wouldn't be a failure for going back to counselling. Not at all.

rachelll11 · 22-07-2008, 07:30 PM

Im not coping very well today. Sorry. I kinda feel so stupid right now for posting and wasting peoples time.