Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I could do it right now...

[Sincerely Savannah]

I'm sitting at home, my mother has just left for work...
I've disappointed her....
My grandmother should be here soon, so i dont really have much time
And my boyfriend thinks I'm being a crybaby so he isnt going to try to stop me....

Yes i could commit suicide right now..there's a gun laying on the bed beside me but i decided to come here first, come here for support...i hope you'll listen.

I was sexually and physically abused by my step-father from age 6-13
I'm 15 now
The pain still is with me, i still think of the way he used to smother me with a pillow, he thought it was funny
Now i'm terribly claustrophobic...i cant even make out with my boyfriend like normal teenagers because of it

He used to come in my room everynight at around 2 or 3 am and talk to me, about graphic horrible things....
sex and such, and i was only 6 or 7...
He asked me if i knew what sex was...or how it was done
Of course i wasnt sure..

There were many other horrible things done
I tried to commit suicide when i was 8...i locked the bathroom door and filled the bathtub up almost overflowing...i layed down and held my breath.
I did end up passing out but i didnt die because my mother busted in to find me there

Many a time i have held a gun up to my head, like now and ended up being too scared of what happens next to actually pull the trigger.

I've been homeschooled all my life and i'm finally going to school next year which is putting alot of stress on me
I worry about everything and everything always has to be absolutely perfect or i will have a complete breakdown
Details bother me alot

I'm so stressed out constantly about everything...
And i'm haunted by the past
Life isnt enjoyable to me, its not really worth it
I dont see a point in living
Thats my honest reason for wishing to die,is because whats the point?
There isnt one...
I wish i had somethinig to live for
I would hold on to that and use it as my excuse for living
But i definitely dont
I have a boyfriend who seems to think i'm making all this up
and a mother who i've left in the dark about my step-father's abuse
I used to cut myself to deal with the pain
I would cut myself so deep and then blame it on the cat or something
And it really hurt that my mother didnt seem to worry and she just believed me
I havent cut myself in 1 year, and i'm happy for myself
But today i'm thinking it may be an option to keep me living just a little longer


I also thought that maybe i could commit a "safe" suicide...
One where i would actually survive
Then maybe my friends and family would realize what I'm going through

But i really just dont know right now
And i'm faced with the choice to use this gun beside me
Or over-dose on some pills around the house
Or cut myself for temporary relief
Or maybe i should call my boyfriend or someone to see if they would listen


Whats the point....

[Namaste]

Aw, sweetie, you have been through a lot and I know it must be terribly hard, but just think about what you're doing. Things can only get better from here. You're boyfriend sounds like he's being terribly insensitive, but I'm sure he loves you and he'll come around. Just calm down.

[Sometimes Crazy]

I can really feel the pain you are experiencing from your words and I hear how desperate you are for relief. But stop a moment and think - you survived that horrific abuse, you survived that suicide attempt. You are a survivor, honey, don't let it bring you down now. What's brought about these feeling today? Calling someone is a great idea, keep talking and reaching out for support. We are all very proud of you and we're all here for you,

xx

[Sincerely Savannah]

What brought all this on today was talking to my mother about all the new terrfying things that are happening to me

I really dont like new things, they scare me
And if i cant do things perfectly why do them at all?
I'm such a perfectionist and it makes me so terribly depressed

So what brought me to this point was:
having a fight with my mom and boyfriend
worrying about the future
tons of stress
and flashbacks from the past

but mainly STRESS
I GET STRESSED OUT SO MUCH AND I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

[Namaste]

Do you have any sort of anxiety disorder? Because it sounds like your stress could be anxiety related...

[Sincerely Savannah]

I have no idea
i've never even been to see a doctor or ANYTHING
Mainly because my mother doesnt know why i would need to
she just cant see these things because she has no idea about what her husband did to me

I've tried to tell her but she refuses to see what i'm going through
She thinks that because she didnt leave him sooner that she is to blame for all my suffering and because of this she refuses to accept that its real

I want help so bad, i want to talk to someone and maybe even get medication if possible
I really do....but i just dont know how to get it

I do have some social anxiety that i've realized by myself though
I know i get extremely paranoid and nervous around people, especially men
Thats part of the reason i've been homeschooled all this time.

I"m always so paranoid, its not fun....not fun at all
Life is just not enjoyable
AT ALL

[Namaste]

Well, from what I can tell, or so it seems to me, although I'm by no means an expert, you're extreme fear of starting school could be in some way seen as social anxiety.

And is there any other member of your family you could ask to take you to the doctor. It sound like some professional help might do you some good.

[Sometimes Crazy]

Try and keep breathing deeply, sweetheart. I fully understand your feelings - I an in a very similar position to you. Have you seen the thread on beating flashbacks in the abuse support forum? I'm so sorry that things are so difficult right now.