I find it incredibly hard to talk to someone about how I really feel without rambling..
I wrote something similar to a teacher Mr.Davis a while back, and I know how much he helped me then
The Therapist is visiting me to check how I am, I didn't really admit how I was, in the session, it was so hard talking to her.
I just feel so unsafe with myself, and it is all of the time.
Everyday I make new plans, new ways, I even thought about it in hospital.
I always think about it. I hate myself. It's all I feel.
It's all I am. I want to cut myself all of the time. I want to hurt myself all of the time.
These recent attempts have NOT been my first times either, I have also come close to suicide on a numerous occasions,
I'd probably say about over ten times now. The only reason I haven't said that much is because I don't fancy going back to
hospital.It scares me. I like having the control of my own surroundings. I am happy with my 'tools'.
I am happy when i can self destruct.I even started Overdosing again when I came home. But I controlled myself.
I can just about control myself.I know deep down why I have been getting so bad recently,but it sounds silly,
19th July is the day that my Grandpa left me and my grandma died. While it was all a long time ago.
EVERYTHING reminds me of them.OR school.OR something bad. Bad things always seem to happen and I can't conrtrol them,
my death, seems to be a thing I can control, my life seems to be a thing I can destroy. The childrens ward reminded me of them. Everything seems to remind me of my grandparents. I have had so many dreams where my grandma turned out, she wasn't really dead, she fell asleep in a morgue...
I used to feel completely in control when I started self destructing.
But I have lost a lot of control now,
I feel silly not dying. I feel stupid not being dead. I feel like some sort of failure, because I am not dead.
And I have tried ever so many times. I feel like such an idiot for chickening out all of those times before.
I used to be scared of suicide.
Like terrified.
Now it is the only thing I have.I think that EVERYBODY hates me. That is my first thought for everyone.I mean everyone, I even mean Dr.Giyak(my counsellor). I think that everyone dislikes me, cause I don't deserve to be here.
I mean maybe Alot of people would be happy if I was dead, take my Mum, as contradicting as it is,
I'm a horrible daughter to her, she'd probably prefer me not here.
I can't take this world anymore. It's too hard. If I can't even handle these little things like school bullying,
my grandparents, and my father, who didn't even abuse me.How on earth would I be able to control life if I got older.
I don't want to grow up. I want to die now. right this second now.I want my heart to stop beating. I'm scared of growing up. I'm really frightened.
That more things will happen. Worse things.
I want that slow and painful death. Yet the fear of death is one that keeps me alive.
I know I am getting worse all of the time, and I don't want to recover.
If I let go of all of my comforting self destructive thoughts, I'll seem
so naiive again. Almost. I made a list that I planned to give to someone. To show you and the other people wanting to help
me , I promise that I won't lie to you, cause I know lying doesn't get anybody anywhere, you either get help and use it,
or you don't. the list involves all of my close to attempts and some of my suicidal thoughts. The first time I thought of suicide.
I looked up famous celebrities who have commited suicide. I am jealous of them. Because they weren't too scared to do it.
I used to be scared of overdosing a few weeks ago. I find it incredibly easy now. and I'm loosing control with that completely
I always make mistakes. So many times in our session where you assessed me with my Mum. I made so many then.
I kept interuppting and dear God. I was terrible. I am terrible. I know it's my fault my Grandpa left me. People say it wasn't. But it blatanty was, I mean maybe if I was a better grandaughter, he wouldn't of left???
I'm not sure. I have lost any ounce of self esteem a long time ago. And the whole life thing, it almost seems pointless, I will have to die at some point anyway, so why waste everybodys time for someone like me and me still be here, and messing up everything. all of the time. Whenever I hear people have died ( depending who they are) I am usually jealous, and it is sick and twisted thinking. Because I am sad that they have able to leave this world and I haven't, especially when I hear that someone has commited suicide. I never seem to be able to do it, I can't even really take a harmful overdose. Well I can, but everytime I have tried I have been physically fine. These thoughts ( all of the above) is why the Amber Project rang my GP. I feel like I am going crazy. In the night, when it is dark, I used to imagine that rope knot. And I have fantasized the act and the after life as well. I've even convinced myself that I might even seen my Grandma if I die, and I call myself a christian?
I think I have made about, I'm not even sure anymore, how many plans
I have made, or how many pills I have collected, before I started to actually overdose on them. I have thought of probably every possible common way people commit suicide and either tried or planned it or thought seriously about it. I have whispered to cars in the middle of the road " Kill me." It is very difficult managing to talk about all of this, and remembering everything, I wished I had the courage to talk more about it and properly. I don't think I did a very good job, when you asked me would I do it again. I don't actually know. Cause I soon as I got home, I planned to overdose and leave it. My Mum makes me feel guilty for my failed attempts, I know she doesn't mean to, but she does:
" Hannah, if they were real attempts, you would leave it, and wouldn't ring up for help?"
I can't describe how much of a FAKE I feel.
I can't possibly be this bad, if I can't even do something right, I can't even do suicide right,I have felt suicidal for so long now. It has all built up in my head.It is almost like an achievement. I know it would destroy people around me. I am completely aware of this fact, but when I'm there, by a birdge or whatever, I don't think about the other people. I just want to escape this world as quickly as possible. I don't regret overdosing. At all, neither do I regret cutting deeper. I don't regret any of my actions. I feel as if I have punished myself well now.
If I don't go soon, life is going to get harder.
I don't want to experience any more hurt, no matter how little.
I know the bullying will probably still carry on too.
I don't have any ambitions, sixth form is just something to do, almost.
I don't really care what I end up doing anymore. I don't care about anything, apart from my selfish thoughts. It's all I can focus on. I feel constantly suicidal. Each day I feel closer to it, every time I take all of those pills or I make a plan or I cut deep. It makes me feel close to death. And I like it, in a twisted way I do.
I might add more. I think I've covered everything...
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That's so well written Hannah, it's so honest and brave...
I'll have a go
