Triggering (SI) - five months, and i want to ruin it...
I... I really feel like giving in... Giving into the urge... It has been five months, and I'm so afraid I'm going to ruin it..
Last night my ex [we are still really close friends, we've been apart for almost four months now] informed me that he is engaged. [he's only 17, as is his significant other]
Naturally I did get upset, I do still very much love him. But it's not even just that. Because all I've ever wanted was his happiness.. Just for him to be happy.
But I know this will not end good. He is back with the boy he was with before me. He broke up with this boy to date me. And when he broke up with me, he told me he didn't love this boy, he knew he didn't. But now, look at that, he is engaged to him.
If it was anybody else. Anybody else at all, I would be happy for me ex. But, this boy, he's cheated on him in the past, and I can't count how many times this boy has talked **** about my ex. And it just kills me to know that my ex is just going to end up hurt. Because once this boy finds some better piece of meat, he's just going to cheat and leave my ex. Leave him shattered in a million pieces.
Now to why this makes me want to give in...
It's just... After he told me, I got upset... And my ex got really upset because he was saying how he "ruined my night" and stuff.. It didn't ruin my night, it upset me yes, but I know he knew it would... And he cut himself.. I tried to stop him, but I wasn't able to.
It... It just all feels like my fault, I know... The few friends I have told this have been trying to get through to me that its not... But... I can't believe them. Because if I had controlled my reaction better, then he wouldn't have gotten upset.. He wouldn't have cut..
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Its been five months... And I... I just want to.. Want to go deeper than ever... want to feel it again.. see the crimson falling from my pale skin onto the tile of the bathroom floor. Watch the scar grow over the weeks as the wound heals...
Sorry, that was so long...
I miss the lips that made me fly
But I guess I can live without you but without you ill be miserable at best
Youre all that I hope to find in every single way and everything I could give Is everything you couldn't take
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I hear your guilt over these events but please believe me, love - no matter how hard we try, we can't control other people's actions and make/not make them do anything. You weren't at fault at all and please don't feel as if you were. I'm sorry that he felt so bad and he is lucky to have someone like you there for him to listen - and I understand how this would have triggered you. You've done so well going 5 months free, that's truly amazing! Maybe you could distract yourself by rewarding yourself with something nice for all the hard work you have put in? I'm sure that whatever happens with your ex, if you are close friends you can be there for him no matter what and that will help a lot more than hurting yourself. Take care lovely and PM me anytime you need to talk,
Ditto on what chels has said above, you have gone so long and are doing so well, don't give in huni, you shouldn't blame yourself as no one can control anothers actions, no matter how hard we try, love will always be hard no matter who the person, just let him know your there for him, maybe just talk to him, explain that you think he may be rushing into things,after all he is only 17, maybe remind him *cuddles* pm me anytime hun, or im on msn x
Hun you can't take responsibily for your ex's happiness... I know this is hard to hear... but its his life...
If he been hurt before by him and going back... then thats up to him... But its not your fault...and its understandable that you are upset for him... but don't give in... you can get through this safely hun...
