I can't handle this no-more.
I give up lying, okay!
An will tell you, I am depressed! An I have been lying to you!
Because I want you to think Im better now.
I just want people to be happy with me.
I don't want them getting stressed out with me.
Because I can't see the light that they can see for me!
I dont wanna upset them in that way!
I just can't handle lying anymore. It's getting to difficult for me.
Im finding it difficult to breathe because the stress is taking the air that I needs to breathe!
Everyone thinks Im doing well, Im doing alright!
But Im not! REALLY, IM NOT! Im just lying to you to make you think that I am,
I still wanna die. I still hates myself. Im still fat & STILL consious about my weight. Everything Ive said to you, about me being happy with my weight. that im beginning to love myself & that I don't wanna die -
Are you so blind that you can't see Im lying to you, to protect you?
I needs your help doctor. I needs your help CPN. I needs your help 'Hospital' But I know how much just listening to me, stresses you out. stresses people out. Making you so annoyed with me. So Angry with me. Because Im so negiative & finds it SO DIFFICULT to be positive about the things i can't see in the light that doesn't exists in my world x
I dont think I could tho.. Im really scared. I can't stop crying.
Part of me wants to.
But the most of me knows it'll just be best for me to shut my mouth for ONCE in my life & do the right thing. Because I know they won't take this, take me serious enough. Ohh.. ='[
They'll just see it for another form of seeking for attention.. An then they'll get stressed with me, like they aways do!
I just want to stop feeling like the way I do. But I can't seem to control these tears. It's doing my bloodly head in that i can't stop crying! Grh.
Hey... I don't really know you, but.. I hope you feel better soon..
And yes, maybe you do frustrate some people.. But it's only because they want to help you so much and it's difficult to help you.. I'm sure you're worth every moment of their time and they really want to help make you feel better..
I'm here if you need me *hugs*
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
Behind this smile is a broken heart.
I feels so secretly broken. that I feels more than ready to give up now,
- Im just wanting to tell people this, so they know the real truth.
because I can't handle lying no-more!
Oh.. Lou wait! I've just heard you say 'Cya' to everyone down there. Wait. Please. I need to tell you this. I needs you to know. I needs your support & advice. Cos you always seem to know how to put me back on the straight when Im feeling as crunched as this!
Damn! Ive just missed you. Stop. wait! please dont go home yet! Damn oh, damn!
I knew I shouldn't have lied to you.
I just wanted to make out that I were happy finally, because I like it when your happy. When your smiling about my achievements.
Damn. How do I cope til Monday, when your next in? I really can't wait that long Lou, Im feeling really bad lou, im really scared because I know Im not just chatting nonsence like normal. that this feeling inside me, really is driving me off into the unknown. Im so so scared!
Hey... I don't really know you, but.. I hope you feel better soon..
And yes, maybe you do frustrate some people.. But it's only because they want to help you so much and it's difficult to help you.. I'm sure you're worth every moment of their time and they really want to help make you feel better..
I'm here if you need me *hugs*
You couldn't have put this anymore better - Thanks!
It's what ive been trying to tell people my whole life. I tries making people understand me. that I frustrate them, an is only trying to seek for their help. But I know Im doing it all in the wrong way!
An knows how studdon a huge part of me, i can't get rid off!
Because being this way, really isn't helping me. its creating me to be my own worst eminey! an is what's killing me inside. I dunno what I can do. An I dunno how I can help myself?
Last edited by Harmless_Baby : 16-07-2008 at 06:02 PM.
Hmm. Thanks. But I dunno how to put it all down on paper.
Im scared of writting. They could use it against me at anytime. For anything!
They'll but it in along with my medical record.
I couldnt face, knowing that!
Im just scared. Im tired of all the trying. It's not getting me anywhere.
Im so fed up, got no enegry to breathe when I thinks about life.
I gets so drained. I hates it.
Feels like Im crying, & dying inside.
My life feels like its becoming a permant struggle.
Why do prettie faces lies well.
It's all people wanna hear from me. The Psychrist & the Support worker.
My CPN - All they want to hear from me is that Im okay!
So if I can make them happy, & lie to them - telling them Im okay.
They won't get so frustrated with me anymore...
I just can't handle lying anymore. Its making me cry. It's changing me.
An I don't like what Im becoming!!
I don't have the words right now.
But, I understand exactly how you're feeling.
You just have to take each day as it comes, things will improve.
thinking of you <3
If we fall,
we don't need self recrimination or blame or anger -
My music is beginning to weaken my heart again. Sending me into melt-down. I can't stop pondering over my ex!
He's touched me in a way that's true & Soul-taking. That tears are flooding from my eyes. An they bloody won't stop!
Im in so much heartache. I can't seem to get over the break-up we had almost a year ago!
I saw him in Asda yesterday, pushing the trolley coming towards me I noticed him looking at me tho as he we walked passed me, i looked forward as if I hadn't seen him atall that moment.
An still, now - I haven't been able to stop thinking about the guy.
I notice Im slipping. My big dreams I had, he won't let me live them!!
Because I didn't start living until I met him. An the day we broke up, Ive noticed ive stopped living.. an has died inside. but everyone refuses to give me permission to let me leave!
grh. =' [
I feels so Sad. An feels it's almost time for me to be apart of the spirit-world. I hears it calling me. I feel I knows this because I keeps hearing Jade's voice. She's calling me.
My world is becoming so ammumed to the parnomal. I dont want to embarrase myself on here. So I wont say no-more.
But I gets the strong feeling you get when you know something's right that you've just gotta do!
An this feelings, is it!
I mean, what ever in the world could I be mistaking it for?
Everythings becoming so weird lately. It's beginning to really freak me out.
It's like Im seeing death as just another thing in life that needs it's box to be ticked. Sooner rather than later!
It's creepy. An I don't like it. But Ive just gotta stop whinging an face up to it!
Im in so much pain. So much heartache. An hurt.
Why do I have to keep it to myself. I dont wanna feel like this. But it'll NEVER go away! It won't.. I might learn to live with it - but I know it won't go over night but in MANY YEARS to come!
Grh. I know I have to shut up. An not talk to anyone about it. Because if I was too, then that would only be like Ive killed myself. Because I'd be doing the same thing - passing my upset on frustration on to others.
I just dont wanna be blamed. Make people angry anymore.
Im fed up with it. An Im fed up with life!!!
Im full of pain. I falling apart.
Im needin some drink to wake me up in the mornings. An to get me outta bed.
without it, im struggling to come & pull myself together & to hold on inside.
I need my ex back in my life!
It feels like Im crying him a river.. an he won't swim to save me from drowning in my emotions.
* big hugs* Im sorry things are tough for you right now. Please try and be strong and please reach out to the support networks you have around you if you can.
Here is an angel of healing i drew for everyone needing that extra hope... God bless you all and i wish you a speedy recovery...
