Feel like everything is falling apart *OD and suicide trigger*

[one_step_closer]

It's strange. I never thought i'd be using that particular trigger label on my own post. Last week all I could think about was overdosing but I managed to convince myself that it was not a good idea. On Monday I saw my psychologist and told her how I was feeling, she was thinking about getting a psychiatrist to assess me but said that she trusted me to tell her the truth about things.

I trusted myself. I went straight home after my appointment and overdosed. I didn't think about it or try to stop myself, it seemed to just happen. Now I can't pick myself up. I'm not eating or sleeping well and everything seems pointless. The only reason I have for trying to keep functioning is so that my brother doesn't have to worry about me.

I start a job as a mental health support worker on Monday, what if i'm too ill to do it?

I'm really scared about being the only one in control of my life. Of course it would be bad to have no control also. I don't want to have to go through life on my own and make every decision myself. I need more support right now. It's like i'm expected to do normal things but I don't feel normal.

My psychologist is going to phone on Friday to see how i'm doing but I might be too scared to answer the phone. She can't make things better. No one can. This isn't my life, what the hell happened?

[one_step_closer]

Thank you Trace. I honestly can't pinpoint anything that has brought this on which makes it harder to know what to do now. I think that I need my support to be more often as I only see my psychologist every 2 weeks. I used to have a support worker which was really helpful but the only organisation in my area who I could get a support worker from is the organisation that I am going to be working with.

[one_step_closer]

My doctor won't allow me to see a counsellor because I am seeing a psychologist.

Everything is wrong. I want to die. But I will stay alive for my brother.

I hate being trapped.

[Sleepless123]

im really sorry your feeling so bad and i think you were extremely brave to post like this and share.

Well done.

i hope we can support you like you have supported many of us.

i know you dont want to but could you possibly ring your psychologist or doctor or something before Friday if things continue to be so bad?

It really sounds like you could do with the extra support right now.

Well done on your new job and i really hope it goes well for you - im sure you could make a real difference to many people but i understand your anxiety about if you will be able to cope too.

Have you anyone you can share that anxiety with before you start even if only just to get it off your chest and get a bit of moral support from family,friends,anyone?

i started paid work last year [though not within mental health,only part time] and yes i have struggled at times but on the whole it has often really helped me.

i know my situation is somewhat different from yours and what you will be going into and i know its different for everyone how things turn out with such things as work but i really do hope things work out for you.

Feel free to PM me anytime you need a friend and i wish you all the best.

Also please keep posting if you find it helpful.We are here to listen.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you.

I'm going to be as honest as I can with my psychologist although I get really nervous on the phone. I'm trying to convince myself that I can do this job. It involved providing practical support to people and I have sort of done that through student mentoring at uni. I know that if it gets too much I will be able to talk to someone.

The thing is, I had a part time job for a year and a half and it wasn't so bad but I was always terrified to go in. I would think about work on my days off and become chronically anxious. By the time I got into work everything would be fine and i'd be confused as to why I was so afraid but that didn't change anything.

I'm very grateful for all of your support. Thank you both for your replies.

[Snow White.]

I love you x

Please, be honest with them, you deserve the support even if it is difficult. And I think you'll do fine at work, you may be a bit nervous now but ultimately if there is one thing you can do, it's support, and I have every confidence in you. Get in touch any time you need to, even if it is just to hear a story :)

*squishes*
Aimee x