So I've sat looking at this blank post for quite a while now, and I'm still not sure what I plan on saying, so I apologise in advance if this makes very little sense.
It's like a crash, but it doesn't feel quite the same. Usually when I crash I feel it and I know what's happening, this time I don't know what's happening, I feel out of control.
I should explain what's going on..
Basically i've had a pretty tough few days at home. My dad has become more and more of a twat and has upset me quite a bit. But this is normal behaviour for him. He's stressed, he's tired, so he's allowed to be angry, right?
Apparently not right. After a conversation I had last night, it's kinda hit me. What he's doing shouldn't be normal, I shouldn't be ok with him treating me like this.
Yet I want to be. I want it to be ok, I don't want it to be called "abuse" or "bullying".
It's ok saying that sometimes he's a bit of a twat, because everyone is sometimes like that. But a bully? an abuser? Is he really one of them? My Dad? The man I had respect for? The man who i told to never leave again when I was 7? Is that really him? How can it be?
It doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't add up.
And now i'm in a state of confusion, not knowing where to go, what to do, and who to turn to.
I'm lost.
I feel like every single part of me has been exposed, and now everyone's gone.
They're doing what i'm doing and hiding away from problems. If you ignore it, it can't be there.
I don't know what I want from this. I want to know someone has listened, I want to know that the people who I respect and trust care about me. I want it to make sense.
I'm so sorry for posting, but I don't know where else to turn now.
im sorry to hear that. i have no idea what to say...other than he shouldn't be doing that, and it is abusive and needs to stop. all the best hunny xx
Wherever you go I will be waiting, whenever you call I will be there, whatever it takes I'll make you're darkest days move on, you're in my heart tonight...
Hey steph, im not sure i have any advice for you, but i do have lots of *hugs* you know where i am you have my mobile number, feel free to call, txt, pm, email any time day or night
*more hugs*
Debbie
Steph *cuddles* I know how hard it must be for you living with him, I know cos I felt the same way when I was younger.
The only advice I can give you is tell him how he makes you feel, tell him how much at times you hate and love him at the same time and how he hurts you at others. I know that seems really really scary and I know how scary it is because for years I dreamed of doing that/saying these things to my dad. There is no easy escape and even if finally you do get away.. it might still be there how he made you feel eating you up inside. Thats why Im giving you that advice.
Im sorry you are having such a hard time and Im really sorry I hardly ever give you a chance to talk about it to me. It can be seen as emotional bullying... where just that look of anger can send you running in fear. In my eyes its the worst kind of bullying there is.
I want you to be alright. Be strong and stand up to him because otherwise... he will have won.
Im sorry if Im like gabbing anymore in nonsense but in my head I make sense. I would never wish anything like this to happen to you and if i could i would do my best to make everything alright.
Take care steph and all my thoughts are with you always xxxxxxxx
I WILL FORGET THOSE THAT HAVE HURT ME
BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THOSE WHO ARE ALWAYS THERE TO HELP ME
I know there isn't much anyone can say, I guess that's waht makes me feel even more isolated in all this. I don't know.
Ann, I don't have the guts to stand up to him. I've tried before and it only makes the situation worse. He reminds me of how he had it when he was growing up, and how what I have now is complete luxuary compared to what he had.
I guess this is just another thing added to the list though. Everything seems to have gone from bad to worse recently.
Gran in hospital. Mum going downhill. Arugments with friends. And now this.
It's wearing me down. Tiring me out.
I'm scared of going to work (I work for my dad) and i'm scared of being at home. I don't feel safe anywhere. And that drains me.
Everyday it's like a fight just to go places that I don't want to go.
It's like i'm trapped. Stuck here with no way out.
I'm scared of slipping. Usually I can tell when i'm going downhill and can do something about it. But this time it's all out of the blue. I ODed last night and tonight I cut. This isn't me. I was over it. I didn't want to be back here. But i am back here, and I don't know where i'm going next.
Steph I feared that might be the case cos it is really hard to talk back when they say certain words that just makes you shut up instantly. ....
Im here for you through this. I really am. If you need to talk about how he makes you feel or anything I can and I will help you with it. Im giving you the one thing I didnt have when I was nearly in the same position and thats someone that understands and is totally there for you and willing to just be there. I know it might not help in your eyes... but i know it was always the one thing I needed and always wanted when i was there.
Please steph.... I know how much things hurt and how many things are affecting you right now. Please dont let it falter or change you. You are a beautiful caring person and it really hurts to know you are going through this stuff. I will always be here for you.
Take care
Ann xxxxxx
I WILL FORGET THOSE THAT HAVE HURT ME
BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THOSE WHO ARE ALWAYS THERE TO HELP ME
*hugs* Steph, I'm so sorry, and I know it's hard. I'm in a sort of similar position. I have no advice for you but what Ann has said makes sense to me. Kinda.
You're moving away in September, aren't you? Could you just focus on that? Try to get through the days until you can get away?
Steph, you know where i am, just give me a bell. You deserve the very best. Like the one who said, you're moving away in September, so look forward to that. maybe the time apart away from yor father then will make him realsie just how much he should appreciate you and not just take you for granted. You've got alot going for you Steph, a very bright future so hold onto that yeah.
I know your mum isn't doing too well at the moment, but is there a chance you could maybe speak to her about how you're feeling? If not about how you're feeling, maybe ask if she's seen a difference in your fathers behavious so then you atleast feel some kind of 'reassurance' if that's the right word. I don't know, but you know where i am and you have my new number so =)
Thank you all.
I really appreciate everything that you've said.
Hopefully I'll be moving away in September, but that isn't 100% definate yet. I need to wait on my exam results (3 weeks yesterday til I get them) and if I pass my english exam then I'm in.. but if I don't, then i'm at home for another year.
I guess the not knowing makes it worse, because I can't focus on moving away just incase it doesn't happen and then I'll have to deal with a massive let down.
My mum isn't coping well either. She's got a lot to deal with right now, and I know that my Dad is getting to her too. Last night she ended up walking out on us because he was being a twat again. So I think she might feel at least a little bit similar to me, but it's not something we talk about. I find it almost impossible to open up to my mum because of things in the past.
But knowing that she see's his actions in a smiliar way is kinda comforting, cause I know i'm not just making it all up then.
I feel so exhuasted and drained now. I don't know what's happening anymore. My head is all over the place and nothing is making sense.
Last week I was positive and was looking forward to the rest of the summer and moving on with my life.
And now, now i'm taking ODs, cutting again and planning how to do some serious damage.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm scared of him, of me, of everything.
Thank you again for all your replies, I really appreciate that you took the time out to read what I had said.
Steph we all love and care about you so of course we would reply. We only ever want you to safe/happy or be there for you when times are tough so really there is not need to thank any of us.
Please remember though you do have people who are willing to talk to you whenever you need and about anything you want. I hope you will be alright. I really do care about you.
Take care and massive hugs,
ann xxx
I WILL FORGET THOSE THAT HAVE HURT ME
BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THOSE WHO ARE ALWAYS THERE TO HELP ME
.... 
so of course we would reply. We only ever want you to safe/happy or be there for you when times are tough so really there is not need to thank any of us.