Okay, so I think I might be going crazy or something.
But for a few weeks now, I've been wanting my mom to physically abuse me.
I don't know why. I just do. Like having bruises will make me prettier or something. I don't know why.
I cry because I want her to.
I haven't told anyone.
Is something wrong with me?
What do you think it is?
I just don't want to think of my mom like this.
It hurts me worse than all the occasional emotional abuse, the cutting, everything.
Ahhh...those Jonas boys.
I'd give up everything for them.
(:
I don't know why or how I think/they'd make me prettier.
Well, I had this dream, and there was like this old lady, I was talking to her, and we started talking about the occasional emotional abuse I go through. Well, somehow we got to talking about how her parents abused her physically, and it ended up I was talking to her about how I wanted my mom to do that.
I'm just so confused.
I don't have really anyone to talk to about it.
No counselors, professionals, anyone.
The only person I was ever close to was my grandma, but she passed away last year.
Ahhh...those Jonas boys.
I'd give up everything for them.
(:
I've tried, best I could.
I don't want to tell my mom because she works with doctors, and if I told her, I'm scared she'd send me to get evaluated. She's said she would before.
I've tried to find a therapist, but I have no money, no way to get there, nothing.
And even if I got my mom to get me a therapist, she'd find out everything.
Ahhh...those Jonas boys.
I'd give up everything for them.
(:
Emotional abuse hurts, and the scars don't necessarily show, because they're at an emotional level. Maybe you subconsciously want the caring and help that might come had you physical scars of what you're going through. And maybe you at some level feel the emotional hurts physically.
Unfortunately, my school doesn't have a "counselor".
We have two principals. And the last time I talked to the principal/counselor, they didn't help. They just said to go back to class. I'd be talking to the same person.
Well, I never talk to my dad. He's always on tour, so we can have money to buy a house.
And my dad thinks I'm kind of crazy too.
I don't really have anybody.
Ahhh...those Jonas boys.
I'd give up everything for them.
(:
I know I'm like trying to turn down every form of help you guys are trying to suggest. And I'm sorry.
The school nurse doesn't like me because I'm always sick, and I don't think the teachers like me either.
I really want to tell one of my friends, but there's like NO way to.
I hate talking on the phone, doesn't matter who. It's always awkward.
If I text it, my parents look at the phone bill, and read all my messages.
I'm like trapped, in a corner.
Ahhh...those Jonas boys.
I'd give up everything for them.
(:
I have that. And I know why I have it too.
It's because:
- I hate my life and everything about it
- I know I should be grateful for all I have and everything, so I feel guilty for hating my life.
- If someone abused me then I wouldn't have to feel guilty for hating my life because others would see it as a proper reason to feel hate
If that makes sense? I don't know if that is the same for you, as I don't know you.
In the UK, we have the Samaritans website http://www.samaritans.org.uk/, which "provides confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which could lead to suicide" - you can email to if you have a problem that you can't discuss anywhere else. I don't know if the States has this too, but you can always use the UK one.
I never thought of that.
It might work. I'll have to try that.
Maybe I can get my grandpa to take me to the post office to send back some "blockbuster movies".
Ahhh...those Jonas boys.
I'd give up everything for them.
(:
