Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
Triggering (SI) - this isnt happening this isnt happening
i dont know what is going on
have you ever had everything go wrong despite doing everything right?
i feel like what i do doesnt matter and that i have no control over anything
and dont tell me that i do because i dont
i have done everything i couild think of, i did it all right
and it is all so royally screwd up right now
i just found out this afternoon that starting july 1st my schedule at work is getting changed
my boss has known this was probably coming for 2 months now (this i know for a fact - dont u love gossip chains) and she tells me todahy
i dont understand why i need to be the person whose schedule gets fvcked around with AGAIN
oh yea they did this to me in february and in august, did i mention that? i have been there for 10 months and this is the third time they up and change my entire schedule on me with less than 2 weeks notice
i cant stand this - it isnt normal and i know it isnt my performance because they begged me to renew my contract but i said no just because they keep doing that to me
i havent had my hair done in 5 months, i have had to reschedule my dentist's appt 3 times (still havent gone yet) and i had to reschedule my PT appts twice before i went. Now i have to change the dental appt AGAIN and i also have to reschedule my physical and they get so busy that i wont get to go for 2 months i am sure and i really wanted to go because my right ear keeps ringing and i dont know why and it drives me absolutely mad.
and i never get to see my friends anymore or make plans to go on vacations because every time i do they move my hours and i have to cancel at the last minute i hate my bosses i hate this i hate it it isnt normal and it isnt fair why me
i am going on forever here
why cant i stop complaining?
oh and in other news my dad like disappeared on me
can you have a deadbeat dad when you are 22?
he moved out of his apartment 6 weeks ago and told me that he was moving but he didnt know where and he would tell me when he figured it out and he has been on this fvcking roadtrip ever since and i have no idea what is going on
why would he want to leave? why would he want to never see me and my brother again? i call all the time - i am one of those annoying people who practically phone stalks her friends and family every time she is bored just to say "hey i saw this squirrel trip and fall out of a tree it was hilarious!" or "there is this restaurant that just opened with a really funny name let's eat there this week!"
and i visited him like every week
we did things together i thought he had fun i thought he liked spending time with me
and my friends dont understand because they dont know that my dad has this slightly unhealthy history that i cant even talk about because it is so sad and depressing and there is nothing i can do about it and i have no idea what to do
i either cant stop laughing or i cant stop crying
i keep laughing at the most inappropriate times
i think i am losing grip on reality
i imagine my dad just disappearing into insanity in his fvcking van and never seeing him again and i just randomly burst out laughing while walking through the hallway at work and people are like "what's so funny?" and i really dont know
what is super is that my brother just left for vacation and was like "bye callie keep an eye on dad while i frollick around europe! i'll bring you a bracelet from italy!" and my mom just pretends it isnt weird but they are divorced so i guess she is entitled but she could at the LEAST say sorry you dad is a nutter or something
hmm evidently that bothered me more than i thought
and my SI hasnt been this bad in years and it scares me and i just keep running out of room i think that is why it is getting all over the place
i am so sick of having this thing that is a huge part of my life be a secret from people i feel like i have to hide myself from my friends and my family but when what you are hiding is that you are secreting raving mad is that a bad thing or a good thing? i know my brother would be really confused and appalled and just think i was really stupid like "why cant you just talk when you get upset? that doesnt make any sense?" and you know what he would be right why the hell cant i just do that? oh that's right i'm an irrational freak who cant control her own emotions how the HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE A CAREER IN PSYCHOLOGY THAT I HAVE BEEN PLANNING FOR FOR 5 YEARS THEN? WHO ON EARTH IS GOING TO TRUST AN SI'ING FREAK WHO CANT SORT HER OWN MIND OUT TO HELP THEM SORT THEIR MINDS OUT?? NOBODY THAT IS WHO WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING I AM AN UNEMPLOYABLE MORON AND NOW I REALLY NEED TO FIND A NEW CAREER
i dont even want to move right now
i am so behind
every time i move bad things happen
crap i moved and now i think i am going to be sick this is so depressing
*hugs you tightly*
Hun I'm not sure where to start or what to say. Yes, you can have a dead beat dad at 22 (or in my case 23). I'm in the same boat psychology wise as you...but (and I'm almost positive you said you didn't want to hear this) while you might feel totally messed up and all that right now doesn't mean it will always be that way. You started counseling, keep with it hun.
Take care.
Pm me if you want.
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Wow, I could practically feel how emotional you are athrough the screen!
Ok, that work **** sucks. I can't see how that's even allowed, to keep picking on one person's life and shaking it up like that. Do they know about your mental health issues? If they don't I'd suggest telling them because then they might be more sensitive to your need for stability, but since you are working in mental health (are you? or am I confused?) telling them could exacerbate things.
On the subject of your dad, I am 23 and my parents divorced when I was very young. I can definitely relate to being an adult and feeling your father has abandoned you and feeling like a child. I think you should let him know you are worried. Maybe if your mum knew you were worried also she wouldn't be so compacent about it. You can't blame your brother for going away though, your dad and you aren't his responsibility. It's understandable that you feel he's dropped you in it but really he probably doesn't realise how bothered by it all you are, especially as he doesn't know about the SI.
My cutting has escalated recently too. The frustration of running out of room is terrible. As for telling people, I think that would be wise, but I can see why you're reluctant. My parents both knew about it when I was 15/16 but they think it stopped a long time ago and would probably be shocked at its severity.
As for you being too much of a "freak" to be a psychologist, I really don't agree with that. I'm a struggling writer and performance artist just finishing university and I'm heavily considering working with other self-harmers to pay the bills. "Your bad experiences are like a treasure chest you can draw from to help others" - an old nun told that to a lecturer of mine. People who've suffered have wisdom and that's what your patients would need.
it sounds like your having a really really tough time *lots of hugs*
i wish i could say something to help, but im rubbish at this
hang in there cos sometimes its not till you hit the bottom things start to look up.
Big hugs callie
take care of yourself and try not to be so hard on yourself
believe in yourself
be patient with your cutting, it takes time
i care about you and im thinkin of you
Dave
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
sorry rachel that i made you cry i dont know why i get so emotional about these things and cant just move on instead of dwelling on them and complaining
alyssa i cancelled them
thanks chris and dave and debbie and vanderboom
i have no idea what i am doing. i hate my job and i want to quit but i dont have a new one yet. i have no idea what my dad is doing
i just talked to him and he has no idea when he will ever come back here, if ever but i cant talk to him about being worried htough because he has paranoia issues and i dont want to scare him away from talking to me at all it kills me
everything is such a mess all i can do is laugh
it's actually really hilarious
maybe i should write a book about it
it will be so hilariously awful that i will make tons of money
my god that is so pathetic
i dont understand what is wrong with me
why cant i just deal with everything and move on like a normal person? why am i just like losing the little grip on normalcy that i had? i am doing things that ihadnt done in like 6 years and am being so much worse about it it scares me but at the same time im like meh this was always going to happen what does it matter anyway you know? i think i thought i had stopped and was doing better but really i wasnt at all i was still doing it all the time just in other ways and i didnt see it and that makes me so depressed because it means that it never really was better at all so i dont even know what i am working toward
haha
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
this really isnt going well
every day i do it more and i do it worse than the day before
it feels better after but then it goes away and i have to do it all again
what is wrong with me? i really dont know anymore
it makes me feel sick
haha what a play on words
i think i need help but i shut it all out and i have no idea what to do
you can do this.
you've come this far.
have you started to look for another job? I can empathize with hating your job - i hate mine too and it's so hard to keep going in and doing it... but alas money.
nothing is wrong with you, i'm sure you have just hit a blip in the road.
keep safe - i'm sorry i can't be of more help.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
thanks aeryn
i feel a teeny bit better today - i feel kind of spacy and zen and calmer
hmmmm i hope im not dissasociating or anything
i have started looking for jobs and i have 2 interviews coming up
but i dont think i am focusing properly on it i feel like none of these things are acutally happening and i am just going through the motions instead
if i did think about the fact that i only have a couple months to find a job it might be detrimental to my health i think
as it is i keep forgetting what day it is and i have lost all concept of time its really weird
things that happened yesterday i think were ages ago and then somethign that happened in april i thought was last week
ive lost the plot its official
You haven't lost the plot - I can't believe things happened last month when I thought they happened yesterday.
Anyway - your Dad might just be feeling a little trapped in his life at the moment, and that doesn't mean he feels that way about you and your brother. I'm tempted to sell up everything at the moment and just go somewhere else, but that's because I'm bored with my life and where I live, not any family issues. He might be feeling the same. Personally I wouldn't worry too much about him (easy for me to say, I know) he might not want that. As long as he's able to look after himself then I think you should let him do exactly that. If you make sure he knows you're around for him if and when he needs you, then I think that's really all you need to do.
I also know what you mean about work being crud! At the moment I seem to be in a good position - I have a new job where I'm the specialist and people are asking me what to do. But it's boring, and I want to change it.
In my last job I was completely taken advantage of, I ended up driving almost the entire length and breadth of the UK, and flying to Northern Ireland and Scotland, doing some training. That was horrendous, and it was not part of the deal when I signed on with that company. I was only there 5 months, and I hated every day of it.
Looking for a new job and being turned down several times was annoying, frustrating and upsetting, but I kept at it, knowing I couldn't keep doing what I was doing.
But I also knew that people did what they did because I knew it would have to be done, so ended up doing it anyway.
It sounds like you're in the same situation - the work has to be done so people will go to the one person they know will get it done, whether they like it or not.
And I don't think you've made a bad decision in wanting to become a psychologist either, just because you're a self harmer. Personally I would prefer speaking to someone who had gone through the same problems as me, so knows what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from, rather than someone's who's only read text books about the problems I have. At least you can, and do, show empathy with people.
In summary - don't sell yourself short, Love.
Your Dad - leave him alone for a bit, he'll be better for it. If he needs to come home, he will do
Your job - get a new one and shaft the bast'ds at your old one! You deserve better and they deserve to get f****d!
Your career as a psychologist - don't give it up just because you're feeling down at the mo, you can do it, and will probably do it better than some that have been in the business for ages.
Interviews - good luck! Go onto Monster.co.uk and read the helpful hints they have on their for interview techniques.
Take care
Lozxx
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
thanks you're probably right - hopefully my career plan isnt a total failure and i have an interview for later in the week for a job that doesnt seem completely horrible
the problem with my dad is that he is completely unaware of the fact that he has PPD and he has these severe paranoid delusions which my mother hid from me (the fact that none of it was real - i believed it all) my entire life until last summer when she told me about it
so i am really worried because i feel like if he is away from all of us and he gets into one of these delusions when he is away that nobody will be there to help him :(
i contacted therapy place yesterday and now i have an emergency appt or something for this evening and now i am really nervous about it and i know i need to go but i am just afraid that the counselor is going to be another weird old lady who doesnt listen to me
