Triggering (SI) - GAH!! Holy freaking h***

-Shae-Lynn* · 15-07-2008, 12:29 AM

So yesterday my mom saw my arm, which I THOUGHT wasn't a big deal as the scars were fading and she had seen it many times before. It's been about a month since I stopped wearing long sleeve shirts around her. So I thought no big deal, right? WRONG!!! She was like what are all those marks on your arm and cuts on your side?? The "cuts" on my side are stretch marks NOT cuts! They do not even look like cuts! They are there because I used to be bigger, and now I'm not. She doesn't have any because she has ALWAYS been fat. So she practically grabed my arm and TOUCHED the biggest scar and I wanted to die. I went to my room and started crying and wanted so badly to cut the scars out of my arm. Like how you cut the weired parts out of apples. Just get rid of them. That was until I realized that would make things way worse. So I cried. And cried. And cried. Then fell asleep on my bed until my stupid mother came upstairs and I almost screamed at her to leave me the hell alone and so I went downstairs and called my gymnastics coach who knows about everything to see if I could go to the gym (this was at 9:30ish pm) and he said he was in Port Perry and couldn't because he was like an hour away, but if he was at home it would of been fine. He told me to run in circles until I passed out (in a joking way) and said to do conditioning or something. So I started running until I couldn't breath and ended up and the gym anyways and was doing laps in the parking lot (at 10 at night) and was just sitting in the parking lot thinking. But then I got magaly paranoid so I went home (like a 10 minute walk) and got home and thought I was okay. I just went to sleep. But today I cut. A lot. They are worse then they were before, but I've done worse cuts, but never in just one cut (like they would take multiple passings). I want to give in and just cut like crazy. My brain is telling me to, but everyone around me is telling me not to do it and that I stop when ever I want. BUT I CAN'T. I don't want to. I don't want to stop. I don't want to get better. I'm fine when I'm not trying to stop. I can handle myself as long as I'm not trying to stop. They aren't going to like this at all...

Sometimes Crazy · 15-07-2008, 12:41 AM

I'm so sorry things are so bad for you right now, love. Have you spoken to your mum since? I'm glad you posted this because I can hear how stressed and upset you are - try and keep deep breathing. Nobody here is going to force you into recovery - maybe dealing with the underlying issues and reducing your cutting as you learn to cope is the next step forward? Do you get any offline help/support? Take care,

xx

-Shae-Lynn* · 15-07-2008, 12:56 AM

I haven't really talked to her, but she's tried to talk to me, not about the scars though. I was at work all day (left at 7 am got home at 6 pm) and at 8:40 pm I'm leaving again for a couple hours. She doesn't understand what she does to me. Yes, I have offline help. My gymnastics coach knows and has been supporting me and one of the most amazing friends I could ever ask for has been there to help to. Honestly, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. THe underlying issues ARE my mother though! Pretty much everything that nagtively affects me directly comes from her, or her stupidness. I'm going into grade 12, so I"m not even that close to leaving home for University. I have to go back for an extra 1/2 semester after this year too. My only relief is now the hospital where I volunteer and going to gyumnastics. 1/2 hour and then I'm out of my house for a couple hours.

Thank you for responding to this. I really am not safe right now.

Sometimes Crazy · 15-07-2008, 01:13 AM

I can really relate to how you feel about your mum because I have had similar problems - I am glad you get these few hours of peace though. Have you tried talking or even writing to her and telling her how this makes you feel? It can work eventually - my mother seemed amazingly uncaring until I kept trying so I do know how you feel *cuddles gently*

-Shae-Lynn* · 15-07-2008, 04:29 AM

No.
I could never tell her any of this.
It's just not an option.
She would make it all about her and tell everyone and I'd never be able to get away from her and I'd cut even worse. So no, that's not an option. She isn't uncaring, she tries to be careing but she just ruins everything and makes me cut myself.
Joy...