Triggering (Suicide) - Was it wrong of me to try and stay??Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Sleepless123 · 14-07-2008, 12:58 AM

Hi

i am nervous about posting this.

Firstly i am worried it will be taken the wrong way.i am not trying to be pro about my own suicide here and certainly not anybody elses!

This is more about feelings.

Secondly i am anxious about posting this cos its hard to explain.

But basically i have struggled with my mental health for a long time.

That means in turn anyone around me has been through a great great deal over a long period of time in many cases.

At times ive been at a point of trying to totally halt my suicide and make it so it doesnt happen or at the very least to try and substantially reduce the possiblity.

But the irony is also at times throughout that process i have also seen very clearly how much my pain or own actions through being unwell have caused others great amounts of pain and sometimes prolonged.

This has led to me hating myself more.

But my question to people here is to those who have struggled for a long time at a very intense and severe level [not wishing to say those who suffered extremely acutely - or at any level - for a shorter period do not matter of course!] do they feel sometimes that in the process of trying to prevent their own suicide [but not really managing totally] they have done more damage to the very people they were trying to care about than if they had done it and got it over with in the first place?

I am not attempting to minimise the effect of suicide on others.That is one of the main reasons i have/still am trying to live.

But after so much has happened i am beginning to struggle with my feelings that maybe even more so i failed the people i was trying to help by staying here.

Like maybe my actions in trying to stay here actually made things worse for them because of the state i was/have been in?

Like maybe after such a long process this actually wasnt in their best interests.

As i say this is more about feelings than about the actual act of suicide so much so i hope its ok to post.

i just wonder if anyones ever felt like this.

Sorry if this post isnt clear and please take it down if you find it inappropriate.i just needed to write.

Basically i understand the impact of suicide can be both huge and devastating but im left with the question given the state i am/have been in and the effect that that has/does have on others i am left thinking was it wrong of me to try and stay?

Shenanigans · 14-07-2008, 02:06 AM

Shortly, the answer is no.

I can understand your feelings, but suicide isn't something that happens and then people come to terms with and move on. Those you love, although they might struggle to help and/or understand sometimes, they WANT you to live. That is why they carry on helping and supporting you. Your death would not only bring unbearable pain for them (much more so than anything else) but it would be a pain that would never get better.
Whilst you are fighting, bit by bit and day by day you are striving to get better. for that day when things are ok, maybe not "perfect" but much better than the darkness before. Your loved ones are supporting you through that struggle and they too are fighting with you to see that brighter day for you.
If you do commit suicide, that day will never come, your loved one's will always have that pain inside them however many days, weeks, months or years pass.

You musn't blame yourself for whatever hardship you think you put others through. They are fighting with you because they WANT to, they are supporting you because they WANT to. You do not have a gun to their head, you are not forcing them to do that, they do that because they care and love you. If they do struggle, it is NOT your fault, they choose to support you because you are worth supporting and loving, because they believe that you CAN beat this and you CAN get through.

I'm sorry if that didn't make much sense, I'm kinda tired. But I wanted to at least try and explain what I meant, even if I didn't do that well.

*cuddles*
Stay safe and take care hun
Xxxxxx

Sleepless123 · 14-07-2008, 03:01 AM

i know suicide isnt something people just get over.But i wonder if what im putting them through is anything much better.

tbsmac · 14-07-2008, 10:02 AM

I understand what you are trying to say, I think the same way. I've put my family through so much, each time I get ill I feel as though i'm dragging them down with me, they feel they have to support me because they are my family, so its not just me thats going to have a lifetime of suffering they are too. Where as if I were to end it all now yes they'd be upset ( probably more upset than I care to imagine) but things would get better for them, they always do, time heals, they may never forget but they will live their life, life carries on.

Sleepless123 · 14-07-2008, 10:40 AM

My family actually dont know much of my situation though they obviously know that something is wrong.i have been missing from their lives for the past four or five years and have only just in recent times started to make more contact again.But i am sure it has all really effected them terribly even just by me leaving them.

Though i meant everyone around me not just my family when my posted my original post though obviously my family are very important to me and a major concern, but i also meant like those who do know my situation too, as much as i will let anyone know it.

i just feel that even just by being here i have effected so many peoples lives negatively.The irony is though if i were dead im truely not sure it would really be noticed by people and certainly not for a long time........i really dont say that as some kind of flippant comment,i live alone and am not particuarly close to anyone.I am very isolated.It would not be odd for people not to hear from me for long periods of time.They would not think im strange.Its like when im in their lives i am and when im not im not - thats certainly not a criticism of them,its just how things have come to be because of the state that i am in.

So its like maybe at times im really negatively impacting on people and their lives when i am here but if i wasnt here maybe it wouldnt directly effect them cos many of them never know if/when they will have contact again with me anyway.

Not necessarily cos i may suicide but cos i spend a lot of time alone and am very isolated.

What im trying to say is maybe its a case of when im there im there but when im not im not but maybe they cant really see something that they dont really have as a loss.i am very distant from people.

i know people are going to think im trying to say i dont matter so i should suicide and i know the responses to that.

Thats not really what im trying to say.

im just trying to work out how im impacting on people and the best way forward.

i guess i feel im seeming to have the ability to impact on people and/or their lives negatively if/when i impact upon it at all but not the ability to impact upon it positively and i just still want to die.That cant be a good sign for any of us and quite frankly at times i wonder if i should just get on with it more after so long.

i tried to see my doctor this morning to chase up the counselling but a female doctor wasnt there.i still have my CPN anyway but am still taking on average increasing amounts of tablets.

i know what people are gonna think of my post and gonna think im saying and i understand that but its not that im trying to get across.Its something deeper.im failing to explain but i know what i mean.

i just cant explain it.

Maybe i should delete this.

Sorry.