I have had some sort of break down.Last night, i lost it. Completely and utterly lost it. I broke down in front of my boyfriend. I hyperventalated and shouted at him when he told me to calm down. I swore. And cried.
Man did i cry. I fucking cried alot, i couldnt stop, i was basically howling by crying, i was broken. I was afraid. I was trapped. I could feel "mary" coming in and i was scared of what he would say.
I sat in the corner of the mattress legs up to face shaking and rocking
not letting him touch me, trying not to listen to the things in my head, trying not to look at the things in my head, scratching my arm and shouting at him when he told me to stop
telling him to go away. he asked me if i wanted thim to go away if i wanted him to leave i said yes and then i broke down again and said no.
i borrowed my face into his neck and weeped. his neck was covered in tears. ive never seen anyone look at me like he did last night. that look of worry is etched in my mind. i think it always will be.
I went to the bathroom. and did 2 pathetic little cuts and came back and he knew what i did.i couldnt be bothered to hide them .i just sat there and rubbed them i kept talking about the bag that my blades are in, and told him that itd be ok if i did it. i told him ill calm down if i did it. he wouldnt let me. he begged me. BEGGED me to talk to him. and i couldnt.
sorry. im so sorry. im sooo sorry, pelase dont hate me, i love you.
he told me to calm down. i cant, i cant calm down, please dont. i cant calm down.
i did calm down. of course i did. i was out of tears. i tried to stand up but i couldnt, i fell back down and hit my head on the shelves. i laughed because i hit myself on the head and said that was better. it wasnt better. and it wasnt funny. but i still laughed anyway.
he told me something. that hes never told before. i cried with him and held him. i told him i love him. then we fell asleep. i couldnt stay awake any longer, i just couldnt do it.i was exhausted. i fell asleep curled up in a ball in the corner. he kept trying to get close, i kept movin away. oh what i would of done to of been alone last night. the damamge i would of done. the pain i would of caused. all to myself.
he told me it cut him deep in his heart when i cut myself. he said it was just like basically getting a huge knife and stabbing him in the heart. i told him i was sorry, i said i had to. i didnt have to, of course i didnt. but what else was i meant to do? go even more insane than i feel right now?
he text me today saying he'll come and see me tomorrow after work and we'll talk. we'll sort through things. but i have to see my cpn. i have to get "professional" help. thing is. i dont know if i want help. i just dont want to have to hide it from him. i feel so drained to the point where i cant bring myself to get up. i cant make myself go to bed. im stuck here. its like im glued here. in this chair. i had no energy to laugh at work today. i kept geting annoyed at silly things. i keep getting tears in my eyes at silly things. and no one could see. no one asked. no one even asked how i was. maybe it would of been nice. maybe not. maybe id of just said nothing.
i think im having a breakdown.
im pushing all these people away, then trying to talk, and then pushing again. i cant bring myself to talk to them. not really. and i dont know. i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to. my minds all mixed up with images and words and voices and laughing and pains, its all just there,spinning round, and i dont know how much longer i can go without doing some real damage to my self or seomthing worse. I couldnt be much more of a horrible person right now.
i am scared. im frighteneed, beyond belief, and i want one person to tell me they understand. to just act ok to me.to not go in a pissy.
living is humanly impossible right now.
surviving is all i am doing.
life: the key of survival.
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
*hugs* sounds like you're really struggling at the moment hun!
Thinking of you, hope things look up for you soon! xx
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
Tilly,
I understand what you're going through. I really do. I know I haven't said it to you on MSN but I just couldn't find the words at the point.
He loves you hun, more than I love you and its hurting me to see you having to go through this, just as much as it's hurting him. You mean the world to me and my biggest fear right now is losing you.
Please try and see your CPN. Let her help you. She can give you professional support and Lucas and I can give you as much support as we can from what we know.
Let me help you please? I know you don't believe that I'm here for you. I know you don't believe it. And I'm sorry that I've been such a shit friend lately. I feel awful for knowing that I've been a shit friend. But you mean the world to me and nothing will ever, EVER change that.
I don't know what words in the way of support I can give just now, but I can listen. If you need someone to listen that that's what I'll do. Just listen. If you need to rant and scream about something, I'll listen. And when I can, I'll try and give you the best advice and support I can give.
Just don't push me away too much anymore? I know you need space from time to time, but don't try and push me away because I'm not going anywhere.
I love you, baby.
Hey hun, it sounds like you're going through a lot right now. It's understandable that you want to push people away, just keep fighting that urge, okay? It will get better with time, i promise.
At least you have people with you there, trying to help you, who love you. This would be much worse alone, trust me. You may want to be alone now, but when you finally are, you'll regret it.
Just stay strong, and PM me if you ever need to talk.
*..life in pain.. *-my older sis; Sweetest Downfall-my jellybean; greenspot-my cousin; TokioPanik!-my TokioHotelTwin; darkdestiny-my pet monkey; I-Feel-Infinate-my gerbil; frombullets2black-my llama; livingnotbreathing-my fellow spy; UnsureOne-my pet goldfish; xXxHis_fallen_angelxXx-my pet monkey; ashy_ashy18-my sister; Aryn is my fellow ninja and partner in crime
Apocalyptic and insane, but my dreams will never change
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
hey im new here but completly get what you are going on about. and i understand. you arent crazy, you just have no other way of getting your emotions out, all the blocked up stress and anxiety and all that stuff. its always so easy to push away the people you love, to hide from them, then you cant. if you want to let him know whats going on, write it down and post it to him, it doesnt matter how jumbled it is, even copy what you wrote here and send it, its easier to do things sometimes when theres no-one interupting you. he obviously loves you so much, hes sticking by you, you need to understand you are special to many people, many would be lost without you and wouldnt know who to turn to, you are invaluable to your friends and boyfriend. i can tell this just by the posts on here. you have done nothing to deserve feeling this way about yourself.
Hidden for a reason. Theres not much point in reading.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : ITS NOT LIKE IT MATTERS.
]My life is crashing down around me. I feel as though i'm walking down a road, past shops, people, plants, flowers, animals.And when i look back everything i walked past has crashed down to the ground.
Everything i touch turns to dust. Everything I once knew has diminished. The fight i had going on with not cutting has gone, the urge has won me over. And its decided to eat away at me. Its destroying me.And i want nothing more than to be able to talk to people, to talk my friends, but I can't. It won't let me. She won't let me.Tilly doesn't need people. Tilly doesn't need people.Tilly doesnt need people. I do need people. I do. I just, can't.
It's pretty useless writing on here or anywhere else, because nothing anyone says goes in. If people tell me they love me, I laugh,I laugh to myself and tell them ok then just carry on as I was before. You love me? How the hell can you love me? Thats what I want to know.I really would like to know.
Things were never meant to be like this, everyone was born to smile and be happy. Not be sad and miserable and an ugly fcking person. Not to hate the world. Not to just sit inside staring at a wall when its such a nice day outside when you could be out there enjoying it, taking it in, looking at how beautiful it is.
When people try to make nice arrangments for you, you cant be bothered, you just sit at home and try to think of an excuse. A nice night in just me and the boyfriend tomorrow apparently, I wonder if he would mind if i took my laptop, yes i know thats not a quiet night in, but at least itll be something to distract if something goes tits up for me and him. I'm wondering if i can be with him. I'm starting to wonder if i can put him through the shit of me self harming, my depression and my insomnia when he has his own depression and insomnia to deal with. I dont want to see the pain in his eyes every time he knows that i've hurt myself, i cant and i dont want to. But I have to. I'm stuck. Because I love him so much. I love him. Hes my entire world, I need no one else but him. But I dont want to need or want him, because i dont want to hurt him.
I dont even know what i'm going on about now. I'm just rambling. Trying to pass time. Work at 6, 4.45 now. I dont want to go. I dont want to go. I just want to stay here. And tomorrow. and thursday, friday, saturday, sunday. Everyday. But every day i have to get up for one thing or another. Tomorrow doctors. Thursday doctors. Friday work. Saturday boyfriends, sunday work. I just need a break from life. i cant wait to get away and go and see Ashleigh, even if the baby keeps us up all night its going to be a nice break from this bloody place.
I'll shut up now.
Hidden for a reason. Theres not much point in reading.
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
Tilly,
You know if Lucas didn't want to deal with your depression and insomnia just now then he wouldn't be with it. But he is. That's proof enough to me that he cares about you and loves you so so much. If you're worried about hurting him , then talk to him, tell him how you feel about hurting him and see if there's a way you can come around this fear of hurting him.
You know if either of you need me, then I am just a call/text away. You'd get a quicker reply if you call, and I can call back.
Love you honey.
