Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - I am in shock and don't know what to do
The guy that sexually abused me for years when I was a kid is currently doing some work on a house beside me and has been outside my house and walking around all week. He sits outside in his car having his lunch everyday. My bedroom is supposed to be my space, but I feel so vulnurable and exposed in it now that he is right outside the window. I have managed to avoid him (and pretty much everything else to do with the abuse) for years. To see him again is like a smack in the face. I am shellshocked.
I don't know how I feel. I keep switching- anger at him, anger at me, hate, shame, blame... guilt for being angry at him because I was part of it too and equally to blame (he was only 5 years older than me and all my life people have been telling me I can't hold it against him because he was young too and not responsible. They tell me it wasn't proper abuse because he wasn't an adult, but it felt like abuse to me) and I'm disguisted to say I even fleetingly felt the old feelings of fondness I had for him when I was a kid. How sick is that? Now I have to punish myself for those thoughts. I couldn't control them. They just popped into my head. It's spinning and things are going so fast I can't grasp what's going on for me. The only escape is those few precious moments of blankness I get after cutting.
Oh I just don't know. I have PTSD and BPD so I tend to dissociate a lot and feeling words don't come naturally to me. All I know is my head is spinning, I feel really awful inside and I just don't know what to do to feel better.
*huge *h*u*g*g*l*e*s* Hunni!!
I know how horrible that feeling is, and how confuzzled you must be feeling right now. All those things other people have said, "can't hold it against him because he was young too and not responsible. They tell me it wasn't proper abuse because he wasn't an adult" is bullsh*t!! It could have only happened one, the fact is it happened and shouldnt of!! The age difference doesnt matter either!! I cant say anything else because its gonna make me even more angry.... PM me if you want to talk, please, please lok after yourself!! Thinking of you!! xxx
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
Can you tell someone that you have seen him and maybe get som support? It must be awful to have all those feelings brought back to the surface. He shouldnt be sitting outside everyday, that is wrong. Could you complain to the police at all?
TO feel a bit safer, could you put on some soothing music while in your room, or a film. Something that makes you feel a bit more comforted atm might help.
I hope things look up soon hun, take care
xx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
Thanks for the support guys. It feels better just to know that I'm understood and supported.
Hopefully, he's gone. It's Sunday and he has been there all week and worked late tonight. So I'm hoping that he won't be back tomorrow. I just can't stand to see him laughing and joking with everyone with not a care in the world while my life has been hell since I can remember.
I am going to try and talk to my therapist on Tuesday. I haven't been able to talk openly about the abuse or my feelings so far. Maybe I will need to then. I don't know where to start. And I'm afraid she'll tell me what all the other psychiatrists, psychologists, teachers, counsellors, friends and family say- what is the big deal? why are you over-reacting? You were only kids, it would only have been bad if he was an adult. I couldn't stand to hear that again. I'd fall apart. Like I am making all my suffering and pain up. Who would choose to feel this way if they didn't have to?
Sorry for going on, but thanks again for the support. I really do appreciate it.
Don't be afraid to tell your therapist, sweetie. The only way s/he can help you with the issue is if you open up. But, of course, do it when you're ready. Don't feel pressured into anything. If they're any good at their job they will not tell you that it isn't a big deal. It's a big deal to you, and that's what matters. What he did was wrong, and his age at the time doesn't change that.
Stay safe, hun. x
'Are you, or are you not, hip to my jive?' - SBP Sirius <3
The biggest risk of all is standing still
