Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - I wrote this to my uncle.
Im sorry im doing this through email, but i just can't talk through voice. I just can't. As you know i am really struggling at the moment, but you just don't know how MUCH i am struggling. Im going to cut it up into sections. (OCD Thing)
Suicide
I wake up every morning and wish i wasent here. I hate waking up, i don't want to wake up at all. I know there is less fortunate people then me, but the way i feel at the moment, i can't see that. I wish my life didn't start in the first place. I am just a depressed wreck.
My Schizophrenia
I hear voices that tell me im an un-worthless bitch who should go ****ing kill herself. I see people, people that REALLY scare me. They threaten to kill me if i tell anyone. The only things that block them out is drinking and music & when i can't see or hear them i still live in fear, in fear that they will get me and kill me or someone i love. I sometimes wet myself cos im that scared. I hate the dark, mirrors or doors, cos thats where i see them the most. Im so desperete.
Sexual abuse
I know you HATE listening to this but i have to tell you. Nathan has wrecked my life. He's killed all the happiness i have left. Sean hurt me, but i still love him. John (Cath's John) use to feel me up. I was raped at 7. Felt up at 17 and felt up at 12! How many more times does my already fragile mind have to go through all of this Jamie?! How many? Before i kill myself.
Im sorry but i had to tell you that.
This is off a site i go on. I wrote this.
I feel worthless when i cut.
But i need to cut.
I always explain to people cutting is my coping mechanisim.
"It stops me commiting suicide" i say.
I stop and think.
I bet none of my abusers are going through the same pain as i am.
I bet they think "I got her, im not bothered".
Sad? Isn't it? Just a bit.
That im going through all this pain.
And they are probably laughing it off?
That once i use to be a happy child.
Now i'm a depressed wreck.
I don't see myself coming out of this cycle of depression and self-harm.
I wonder if i'd be better off dead.
I wonder if i should end it all.
Then maybe i'd be happier in heaven?
But i fear i'd never make it to heaven because of what i do.
I just don't know.
Im so tired.
I can't even think.
Thankyou for reading.
Love you Jamie.
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What d'ya think? I feel stupid sending it.
I want to die.
thank you, Lily, for saving mummy's life*.
You are my one and only, you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight, and you'll be alright.
i think your VERY VERY brave.No im not just saying that.i really mean it.Its a huge step writing and sending something like that to someone and youve done it!!Well done.i hope writing made you feel better.i also hope that you get some support or whatever you would like from your uncle?im glad you trust him enough to share.i wish i had more useful words for you right now but i am here and sorry your hurting.i feel useless but i do care.Please keep sharing.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
This is such a huge step, realy well done for writing it. Im so sorry for everything you have been through.
I hope you get the response you want from your uncle and that writing this has helped you too.
Take care hun, Im around if you wanna talk xxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
Plse don't feel stupid for sending this hun
*hugs* I think its a really good idea writing stuff like this down
and I'm sure your uncle will appreciate that your able to share this stuff with him, I think your being very smart and brave about this
xxxxxx
"In the driest whitest stretch of pains infinate desert, I lost my sanity, and found this rose"
