mixed bipolar episode

[emotionxsickness]

Im just figured out i am having a mixed bipolar episode and I am trying to decide whether to get treatment.


background

I was diagnosed with bipolar 4 years ago, took meds for a month (off and on) before my mom finally stopped trying to force me.

I went to another hospital for treatment for my ED and to try and get the bipolar thing off my record.

they confirmed the diagnoses.

I took the meds for maybe a month and a half after leaving the hospital before I decided that they were stupid and I stopped taking them.

I've decided that I need to treat the bipolar some how or I am going to keep having these episodes. (I used to not have many, lately I have been having more of them and closer together) and this is my fist mixed episode and I have been researching it on WebMD and they say in a mixed episode people are 20% more likely to kill themselves then in a depressive episode, because the mania makes people take more risks, be more dangerous and more unpredictable, and when combined with depression....well im sure you see where that could (and has) gone.

I cut for the first time in 3 and a half years.

im not eating,

Im not sleeping.

but everything in my life is pretty much going the way i want it to, for the most part,

I broke up with my boyfriend/fiancee of 5 years

I''ve had moments this week where i have been really happy and suicidal at the same time.

i have made a few risky/irrational decisions this week.

I do think I need treatment, but I dont know the best way to go about it, I cant go to the hospital because I cant afford to miss work, and I dont want my family to know, they are very supportive in a fake way, and I just dont want to deal with their bull ****.

just looking for a little advice on whether i should seek help or see if the episode passes. this is my first mixed episode and so I dont know how long it will last, its been about 2 weeks I would say since it started, but I didnt realize it then (now that I know the symptoms I can look back and say yeah it started then) and the past 4 or 5 days I have been getting worse. i guess I just pretty much told myself I need help, typing this kind of made me realize that. any advice? do you think I could get treated with out going inpatient (with mixed they normally go inpatient because of how unpredictable moods and behavior is, and I know the suicidal and self harm thing is a red flag to doctors, but I really cant afford to miss work this week)

[emotionxsickness]

well I dont know what doctors I can see on my insurance, and Ive already pissed off most of them, and I dont want to go to the same one my mom goes to. And even though Im an adult (almost 19) my moms always been kind f controling with my mental health stuff, ad fake suportive (pretending she cares and stuff so she looks like a good mother. I cant stand her)I am going to see what I can do, but it sucks because I don't have a car because I kind of broke it, so I would have to have my mom give e a ride where ever I go, unless I go inpatient, then I have someone else that can take me.

[Amadeus]

I would suggest checking yourself into a hospital, at least until this episode passes. And I think the big thing is not whether its going to pass, but when its going to come back. You know what you need to do (i.e. seek out help), but your fears are getting in the way. But lets face it, if you get into an accident (a big possibility right now) you're going to miss work, and your family is going to find out. Do you want this to happen on your terms or someone else's? Please seek out some help, posting here was a great first step, but you need to go to the people that know how to best judge your situation, and that means a doctor. Please let us know how you're doing.

[emotionxsickness]

I have an appointment with a psych on tuesday, and hes going to decide what treatment method is best.