I don't know whats wrong with me...

[Unhappy Nobody]

Hi,

I'm Kat and I'm 27. I feel embarrassed mostly for feeling this way, so late on in life. I feel like I should have sorted myself out by now.

My mother was a junkie, alcoholic and prostitute and she had me and my 2sisters only years apart from 16-18. Obv we had no chance. I am the middle child though and when she only had my older sister she coped as any young first time mother did but when I was born the neglect started and thats when we first went into foster care. Basically allowing me to believe, she didnt want me. I was 3 when she gave us up and I just feel that's long enough to bond with your child...It just reiterates that, she didnt want me and I am unlovable.

I have alot of rejection issues and I can deal with them as I know where they stem from. I understand them.
What I can't understand is the pain inside me. I feel broken all the time and have done since I was 13. I first thought about killing myself at 13 and I havent ever stopped dreaming that I may find enough courage to do it one day. I can go months and feel nothing. I basically shut out the outside world and barely exist. I self harm just to feel something.
Then another era starts and I feel everything, only magnified. I self harm, drink and binge eat just to block things out.
I'm tired of breathing. It hurts too much when I don't know whats wrong with me.

I spoke briefly to my doctor and they prescribed me anti-depressants but they just made me sick. Plus I dont want to rely on pills to be happy. I spoke to a psychiatrist and she was under the impression that I may have blocked out something that my mind can't deal with.
That thought alone scares me too much to even try but I don't know how long I can keep fighting myself. Its an on-going battle just to survive. I'm barely living. I have no-one to turn and no-one to confide in, hence why I am here.

I am trying but I don't know how long I can keep holding on....

Thank you for reading.

[Shenanigans]

Hi and welcome to RYL!

Please don't feel embarresed about your age, we have loads of older members here, and if you take a look in the veterans general/support areas I'm sure you'll find many people your age and older who can understand.

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time, and it really shows your strength of character that you have stayed so strong through out these times.

It was very brave of you to go and talk to your doctor and speak to a psychiatrist. I can understand your dislike of anti-depressants and the fear of finding and dealong with something you've spent so long running away from.

But please don't give up, perhaps go back to your doctor and explain the side effects ypu had with the anti-depressants and ask for another kind? I know you don't want to lean on a pill to make you feel better, but sometimes anti-depressants can lift us out of that dark place just enough for us to begin to work on getting ourselves out the rest of the way.
I know it's scary to be faced with trying to deal with something we've blocked out of our memory for so long, but please remember that a good psychiatrist can help you deal and move on from that painful experience in your own time. It will be hard work, and painful sometimes, but dealing with that underlying problem can help solve all of the self destructive habits we've learned to hide ourselves from it.

I hope you feel better soon, please feel free to PM me if you need anything and I'm sorry if my words don't help much.

Take care of yourself
Xxxxx

[Unhappy Nobody]

Thanks for your words guys, they do help, honestly.

The doctor did refer me to see someone but I chickened out once I learned it was group therapy. I don't think I could handle to a room full of strangers. It would have been bad enough with simply one.

Thank you again, it means alot x

[sebyangel]

You really shouldn't feel bad about your age. My mother is going through a lot of the same, and since I'm 18, she's...obviously older than you :)
I still have a lot of the same feelings I did when I was 13, it makes me feel like a little kid sometimes, but I try not to worry about it.
And you know, group therapy might not be as bad as you think. You should try going for a session and just listening, you might be suprised. I did group therapy for almost a year, and it helped to meet other people who were going through the same thing that I was. And for the first two or three sessions, I didn't talk at all. You wont know until you try it. Good luck, and keep your chin up! *hugs*

[hated*]

i don't have much to say in the way of advice, but just wanted to say that you are brave and i'm sorry you've had so much to go through. as the others have said, you shouldn't worry about feeling the way you do just because you're 27 (still young) and there are still so many other people that feel similar who are older.
be safe hun, and i hope you manage to talk to someone who can help soon.
lora x