It's easier to pretend that this isn't hurting me, than to accept that I don't deserve the pain. If I was comfortable with what was happening to me then maybe it would be a different story; I wouldn't mind that it was painful, but the truth is I'm not in control and I can't deal with it. And so Its best just to block out my feelings so I can't accept them and equally I can't judge them because they're not there at all. And I do that just hoping that it'll be easier to bear than it is at the moment.
I'm still falling but at least now I can't feel it and so it doesn't matter. I won't be waiting to hit rock bottom because as far as I'm concerned I'm already there.
I have to pretend to keep afloat but in the long run ignoring the way I feel is going to cause more pain. I can't see a better way of dealing with it though.
I feel a little like I deserve this but that doesn't make it any easier to bear so maybe just pretending that it isn't there will give it time to run it's course with as little pain as possible.
Maybe this isn't working at all and as soon as I realise how ineffective building walls around me is, I'll kick them down and everything will rush in at once. I'm scared of that though because there won't be damage limitation. Whatever my mind decides is best will happen...and then what? I'm scared that theres a hell of a lot more than I can feel at the moment because I haven't let myself feel it, and I'm guessing I'll have to soon because there isn't really any energy left to fight it. Basically, I don't have the resources to cope with it, so my mind's way of solving that problem up till now has been to avoid it at all costs which has led to dissociation and all that kind of stuff, except that isn't really working either.
And this post doesn't make any sense but I'm confused about the whole thing. I'd rather feel than not, but I think that I might have chosen not to before...
"That is why, for Christ's sake,
I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,
in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong"
(2 Corinthians 12:13)
The only thing I can say is, I love you so much sweetheart.
I know that one day, you will be happy because you deserve it.
I know this isn't helpful but I don't know what else to say.
You mean everything to me x
If we fall,
we don't need self recrimination or blame or anger -
Hey,
I'm sorry you feel so bad right now and I wish I could do more to ease your pain. You say your post makes no sense, but in some ways I think I can relate to it, you're not alone in being confused about how you feel or feeling nothing.
I know that it's not easy, but I think that facing up to your feelings is probably going to be the best way for you to move forward. It's difficult to allow yourself to feel something when you know it's going to hurt, but I think the only way to deal with all those negative feelings is to accept that they are there. And once you've accepted that, you will be in a much better position to deal with those feelings and move past the pain.
Have you talked to someone face to face about how you feel? I know that it's tough, but if you get your feelings out in the open, that goes some way to making them more 'real' and I find that talking things out can help me make sense of things that I can't do inside my own head. It can also really help just to feel listened to.
I really wish there was more that I could say, just know that you don't deserve to feel this way at all and that if you keep going, the pain will subside.
*big hugs*
xxx
Thanks. Yeah I see a psychologist for depression and dissociation and stuff. I guess it does help but I'm in the stage of realising that the feelings are there and I'm definitely not dealing with them yet. So it hurts at the moment. Once you take away the defence I'm left a bit raw and so not only are the feelings there, they're having a bigger impact than they have done before. Everything will start coming out soon I think. Hmmmm...
Any experiences of this sort of thing? It feels a bit alien to me..
<3
"That is why, for Christ's sake,
I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,
in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong"
(2 Corinthians 12:13)
Just *big hugs* hun!
Cant offer advice, but am here if you want to rant and let some of it out!
Just PM me. xxx
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
