Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I want to die

philosophy girl 91 · 11-07-2008, 07:23 PM

Things have gotten so much worse over the last while.
Everyone says Im fine. Apparently the vitamins fixed me.
Thats what they tell me.

I went to town yesterday. I just got my braces tightened so I bought loads of panadol and I said they were because my teeth were sore.

I think I have enough to kill me. I want to take them.

I know there would be things that I would miss.

Things that I would never get to have like a husband or kids but I dont I mind.

It scares me that I dont mind.

I only had one thing that was stopping me from SIing and that was my sisters wedding. I have a really beautiful dress and I didnt want to have lots of cuts on my arms. I thought the ones I have now would might not be noticable by then. But yesterday I got a cardigan that goes really well with the dress and it covers all the cuts so I can do it as much as I want now. I cant stop.

Things are so bad. I just want to die.
Can someone help me before I do something stupid?

Behind the Smile · 11-07-2008, 07:37 PM

*holds you tight*
stay strong, you can get through this.
'Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.'
<3

Scarlet Angel · 11-07-2008, 07:42 PM

Sending you lots of hugs. PM me if you want to chat, I'll be here.
Try and keep fighting hun. xx

philosophy girl 91 · 11-07-2008, 08:02 PM

Ive felt this coming on for months...

I cant tell anyone coz they think that Im fine and that I dont even need my antidepressants even though Ive only been on them for less than 2 weeks.

I know that if I do kill myself I will ruin my sisters wedding and I dont want to do that but I cant wait till after the wedding coz its not till november.

I want to talk to my sister coz she is visiting us this weekend and she is a social worker but she will tell my mum and I dont want that.

philosophy girl 91 · 11-07-2008, 08:36 PM

Im going back to the doctor on Tuesday anyways but I dont think he likes me very much!

I just dont think my family would be very happy if I told them coz they think that Im completely over reacting. They think that I dont have depression and that Im just run down and need to eat more healthily.

So if I told them they would be angry.

philosophy girl 91 · 11-07-2008, 09:39 PM

Thanks.

Im going to try to talk to my sister soon but I need to get her on her own.

philosophy girl 91 · 13-07-2008, 04:54 PM

So my sister is gone home and I didnt talk to her.
I cut myself today...I just couldnt help it...
And I keep all my panadol in a bag with the blades...
I take them out and look at them for hours every day..
Things are so bad...
I want to get away from it all...

B-S-F · 13-07-2008, 07:52 PM

Dont do anything in the spare of the moment hun!!
*h*u*g*s*, feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
Take care of yourself, thinking of you!!
*h*u*g*s* xxx

chingas · 13-07-2008, 08:04 PM

Oh sweetheart *hugs tight*

Keep fighting the suicide urge! And feel free to PM me anytime..

RYL doesn't want to lose another member. Your family doesn't wanna lose you. Your friends doesn't wanna lose you. I don't wanna lose you.

It's good you made this thread. We are here to help you trough this hard time. Believe me it will get easier. Just hang in there and wait for a while to see.

*cuddles*

TinkerDebs · 13-07-2008, 08:33 PM

you honestly dont want to go doing anything rash
it's REALLY not the answer!!!!

there is always going to be people around you that care lots for you - and they would be deeply upset to lose you in such a way
i'm sure if they knew - they would try and help you
but the answer really isnt to en it all
and there's always the chance that you may fail!!! and that in itself is a large set back - and you realise that it just wasnt worth trying in tter to just try as hard as [possible to stay strong
and ride it out
it will go away
and the more you tell yourself you want to be here [for your sisters wedding which is clearly a big event for you] the more you can fight the suicide urges
if you tell yourself you want to be hear you can defeat the suicide thoguhts - honestly!!!!

try and stay strong hunni
dont kill yourself
SI is safer than suicide if you dont feel as though your strong enough to beat both urges!!!
please stay safe hun
*huggles and holds tight*

philosophy girl 91 · 13-07-2008, 10:56 PM

Thanks for your help,
I just cant cope.
I dont want to die.
I know I dont.
But the pills are always in my mind.
I cant get the thought out of my head.
Its driving me crazy.
I want things to be easier.

philosophy girl 91 · 14-07-2008, 03:25 PM

I cant do this any longer

B-S-F · 14-07-2008, 04:25 PM

You can, you really can! PM me if you need to talk!! *h*u*g*s* xxxx

philosophy girl 91 · 14-07-2008, 04:47 PM

Why do things have to be so hard?
I want to tell someone..but I dont have anyone who will listen.

xxhappydaysxx · 14-07-2008, 04:55 PM

How about talking to your doctor about how hard things are? I have talked a lot to my doctor/counsellor more than I have to friends and family because sometimes its hard to open up.

Could you think of anyone close to you you can open up to? because if there is maybe you could ask them to set aside an afternoon and you can meet up or whatever and have a proper chat?

Take care, keep fighting xxx

philosophy girl 91 · 14-07-2008, 05:40 PM

I cant talk to anyone.
Most of my friends live too far away from me so I couldnt meet up with them and the other ones are on holidays.

My doctor hates me so I cant talk to him.
Im all alone..

philosophy girl 91 · 14-07-2008, 09:08 PM

My mum just told me I dont have depression, and I never did.
I was just feeling down but now Im all better because I took the vitamins she gave me.
I have to end it all.

philosophy girl 91 · 16-07-2008, 12:54 AM

I went back to the doctors today.
I told him I dont feel any better but I didnt tell him about how much I want to kill myself.
He is going to refer me to a psychiatrist at the next appointment.
Its not for 4 weeks and I cant last that long.