Triggering (OD) - Im so sorry but some support would mean so much
Sorry for posting guys, I dont feel like I deserve to. But I guess things have been really rotten this week and I am so, so low. I havent been sleeping. Ive had zopiclone but they do NOTHING! Today I was out with my friend and it was horrible because I felt so mentally unwell I was scared to drive us both home and I didnt know what to do because I couldnt tell her how much I was struggling but I was getting a bit delusional and I didnt feel safe driving. Now Ive had a row with my mum over food. I saw my social worker this morning and that was really tough and I really, really am thinking about overdosing. I have lots of pills. I already have an abnormal liver cos of overdosing but I just want the pain to go away and I cant cope with everything going on in my head right now and Im scared that Im getting more episodes that are like psychotic episodes without being formally psychosis and I just want it all to fade away.
I feel really selfish asking and I really am sorry but it would be really lovely to have some support.
hi becky, i'm so sorry you are feeling like this at the moment sweetie ~ has anything caused you to feel like this, or has it crept up on you slowly? i think it's wonderful and so brave that you were wise enough to post here when you realised how bad you are feeling, before something silly happens. whatever you do, do NOT even contemplate taking the pills you have ~ that is not a good option, as you know from before. i think you are making a cry for help because you feel like you are losing a grip on reality, is there anyone, other than your mum, who you can confide in? do you have a counsellor that you could ring? or, as has been said on here so many times before, why don't you try ringing the samaritans? they are truly amazing people, and could give you the boost you need right now - you've already taken the first and most important step by asking for support. don't ever think you have'nt got the right to post on here, it's saved my life a few times! good luck, please let us know how you get on. thinking of you xxxx
When I am really delusional, I see things and hear things. And you see there is this girl- I call her just "Her" or "she" with my social worker who follows me around. And sometimes she tries to take over my personality. And she causes me to do dangerous things. Usually my personality is mainly me and She and another group of people from my past tell me how to act and I obey them cos like they have to be obeyed. But They can take over my personality. They make me do things. And thats what happens when I get really delusional. All afternoon they were trying to talk to me over me trying to talk to my friend. Oh and She made me lie to my social worker this morning. I am such a waste of space and I deserve to be punished. She told me evil people lie and therefore I am evil and therefore I must be punished. Sorry if this makes no sense!
Thanks for the support. It really means so so much and please keep it coming. *hugs you all*
It makes sense. It sounds like you get drawn into a past, abusive reality, that it's taken on a life of it's own inside your head. And the thing is that it's re-traumatising you. I have what my therapist and I call my 'Other One' which is a similar kind of thing, and really does cause me a lot of distress. It takes time and lots of love and patience to break down those defensive abusive walls.
You're not a waste of space at all. You deserve support, kindness and understanding.
It probably feels really scary, but you can start to shift the power structure inside of you, you don't have to obey such tyrannical brutal bullies any more.
Arggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! Sorry am really just being a complete pain. why can't they just leave me alone? Sodding past! What the hell is wrong with me? Psycho shes psycho. LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Arrgghhhh I want more tablets. Stupid girl. Sorry.
Sorry just venting. My end is totally spinning. Sorry guys
*cuddles* Hey becky sweetheart, I hope you're feeling a bit better today. Could you write a letter to your social worker about what the girl told you to lie about yesterday? Please don't overdose hun, you don't deserve to hurt at all. You're not evil in the slightest - you're a lovely, caring person and a great friend. Have you talked to your psych about these episodes? You might find that medication could help - I know it helped me when I was hearing voices even though I didn't have psychosis as such.
Here if you want to talk xxxxxxxx
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
I rang NHS direct this morning cos I was/am kinda yellow and had yellow eye balls. They called the out of hours GP who rang me and basically said I should go to the hospital, but Ive decided not to.
With regards to meds for the voices, unfortunately I doubt it because they have just withdrawn all my medication because they've decided Im too dangerous cos Ive been stock piling it.
Sweetheart, you really need to go to hospital. If you're yellow then that means your liver isn't working properly and it can kill you slowly. It won't be a nice death - it will be painful. A girl I knew had liver damage and it was horrible for everyone else around her too because you could see her slowly get more and more yellow. If you go to the hospital now they should be able to do something about it.
Is there anyone who could manage your medication for you? Could your parents watch you take it so you can't stockpile it?
*lots and lots of cuddles*
Here if you want to talk xxxxxxx
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
Thanks Laura, I really, really do appreciate it hun.
In terms of my parents looking after my meds, in my sensible sane head, I know that would be an option. But when Ive been in hospital and they've been told they had to control my meds at home, its just caused so many arguments and so much upset because I cant cope with some one else being in control.
I dont want to go to hospital but I am seeing my doctor on tuesday so I will tell her. It was just all a bit stressful because I was at work and had doctors and medical people ringing me all morning. And I thought it would just be one quick phone call.
*h*u*g*s* Hunni, please go to A&E....Please?!?!?! I too know a girl who had aliver damage and died from it, from OD'ing too....Its horrible!
Please...do this for yoursef if or no-one else!! You are better than this!
Thinking of you, take care of yourself, and please, please go to A&E.
xxxxx
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
