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Triggering (SI/ED) - fuck!!!!!! first slip in 3 and a half fucking years ***RANT may trigger better safe then sorry***
So my life seems very bipolar right now. sometimes I am so happy I annoy myself, other times i'm so pissed/upset/sad that I just want to shoot myself. (I am bipolar btw, I don't take meds for it and I don't see a doctor) anyways.
Start at the beginning.
I don't expect anyone to read this but if I don't post or talk or type this all out i'm going to explode.....or implode.... or something equally not good.
Ok so I have this boyfriend that I have bee with for about 5 years now, and things were great with us for a while and we were engaged to be married. On new years 2008 I found out he had cheated on me on new years 2007, and for about the first 4 months of 2007, and pretty much up until I put myself in the hospital for being suicidal and for an eating disorder that i realized was killing me. (my bmi was like 17 or so and dropping pretty quickly, I went from 5 ft 5 and 135 lbs to 106 lbs in about 2 weeks)
well anyways, I found out all this stuff about him cheating on me after he proposed to me. I was pretty upset, especially because i didnt find out from him, but from a friend of mine he tried to cheat with and one of the girls he did cheat with. but I stayed with him, only to realize a month later that I wasnt in love with him. I love him like a brother not a husband, but I couldnt break up with him then because he was having a hard time. (his gpa who was like his dad died) so I waited until about 2 weeks ago, (which 3 weeks ago I met the most amazing person ever, courtesy of RYL)
and hes been making things really really hard n me.
and last night I broke down.
I was taking a bubble bath, and I decided to cut again. And I really liked it and missed it. and this morning I did it again, and a few hours later, I did it again. (one cut wouldnt stop bleeding for a while)
and I think I am hooked on it again. It helped me so fucking much and I really missed it, and I didnt feel as guilty as I should have.
and I havent been eating how I should.
once every other day if I remember I need to eat.
and ive already lost alot of weight.
and I enjoy that too.
I can see every fucking bone in my back and I fucking love it.
I'm slipping and I dont know if I care.
the only reason I am holding on is because of Bradley (the guy I met on here who lives an hour away)
My ex is harassing me.
He wont give me my car. (a whole other million page story on why I cant legally get it back)
my job sucks, so i cant afford a car.
I live in a house with like 12 million other people and I sleep on the couch.
most of my friends are mad at me (they were friends with my ex) so I dont have anyone to talk to or hang out with, aside from brad, who lives way too far away.
Im feeling drained because of stress and my shitty diet.
my family thinks I have lost my mind.
I really honestly can say that part of me really fucking wants to die right now.
and I really want to cut again, and I want to bleed, I was going to go buy some more razors, as the knife ive got isnt cutting it (pardon the pun) but my mom decided she needed shit from the store too.
so im stuck.
I need to see my fucking blood right now, I need to know i've still got a fucking heart pumping it through my veins.
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