Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I've hit a wall (long)

[patch]

Basically, I've self harmed for 7 to 8 years and think I've been depressed all that time (I guess I'd need to be to SI but not diagnosed or anything lke that). I've done it all myself, and I've really tried, gone months at times without self harming and was pretty content for a while back there in the spring, but lately I've lost that line I was on.
I started cutting again, but only twice from christmas but both pretty bad "episodes". My moods are so erratic right now, I'm forever switching and jumping for one to another over nothing.

My suicidal thoughts are coming back, but I'm feeling empty because of them because I vowed to myself I would never try that again or do that to my family - basically the same reason I wanted to self cutting - because this isn't about me anymore, I don't want to hurt anyone or make them feel its their fault, so its about others now, my actions are purely selfish...
hence my guilty over it all, but its all I do and have ever known.

I've tried talking to people, I've tried the samaratains, I've tried alone and I've gotten perspective but still. What if theres nothing that people can do, because theres nothing to be done. What if this is it - does life get better or is happiness really what I think it is, or am I believing in something not there.
Antidepressants and counselling can only change my thinking, they cant fix the rubbish that is making my feel like this. They can't make make me friends or stop me being shy, they cant make me beautiful or thin, they cant make me smart or get me a job... maybe I cant picture my future because its just as rubbish as now...

Sorry this is so long, but I'm a newbie, I'm just getting it all out now!

[Porcelain Child]

Hi no words hun, but want to give you a *squishy*

Also just because your suicidal thoughts and feelings are coming back does not mean you have to act on them hun. You can try and pull through it without doing harm to your self.

[B-S-F]

*hugs* xx

[Sometimes Crazy]

I'm really proud of you for making this thread - I draw from your words your want to get better and how this has been shown in the past. I totally agree that medication and counselling methods can't *fix things* - but having this additional support can be a great benefit while you work out these things. A doctor could work with you to make a plan of help that suits you individually. Do you think you could draw on this strength you have to take this step? How did putting all this down feel?

xx

[patch]

doctors a big step - and going to a doctor means my family knowing, and im not ready for that! its been 7+ years you'd think i would be but its all to protect them right now.
its great to put it down, its feels less like im just being paranoid and more that its real. it wont change things but might help make it feel more managable. thanks for the support and hugs guys!