I have a plan to hurt myself (bang my wrist) on Sunday.
Then I'll carry on Monday.
Carry on and not tell Nicola (trainee psychologist) Tuesday.
Carry on and not tell Marilyn (support worker) Wednesday.
Tell someone maybe Thursday.
Hopefully by then my wrist will be broken into s m i t h e r e e n s. It should be easy, I've fractured it a few times before.
Its what I deserve. I'm bad. I'm such a bad person. I'm all darkness and blackness inside. I'm not sure how it hasn't shown up on past X-rays. I had deserved to be bullied in school. I see it now. I was in delusion when I thought that I had a right to be safe from people.
I don't care about being self harm free anymore. There is no incentive to be free. There is no reason. None at all. I hate it. Just one bang and I'm back to the start. For good.
I accidentally asked Marilyn in group today what would be worse, stitches or a cast? She got a bit suspicious at first but I threw her off, by saying I was thinking about my past. I might cut too. With glass that I have hidden. Its been there for years now. Its finally going to fulfill its destiny.
Sorry to be all self centered again. I'm just having a hard time recently.
Last edited by Daydream : 17-07-2008 at 05:01 PM.
Reason: changed labels
It sounds like you've taken all those bullies inside of you and they're hurting you. You don't need any more hurt, you've been through enough. ((hugs you gently)) Noone helped you during the bullying, but people are there to help you now, and help you break the cycle of re-traumatisation.
Are you sure that's a good idea? I know it's all very difficult right now, but you can beat this. I've gone through so many times when I just didn't know why I was bothering to not SI, and it was hard. But I got through it, and now I'm so glad that I did.
You don't deserve to be hurting. You did not deserve to be bullied. You do deserve a place to be safe and loved and supported. And you have that here. There are so many people here who would help you if you would just let them. I know it seems pointless and you probably feel like you'll never get better, but you will. You may not care right now, but you could seriously hurt yourself with this. Please don't, you'll only regret it.
Why don't you PM me, and we can talk about it? I'd love to know why you think you deserve all of this.
Keep your head up hon.
When the road gets bumpy, don't get grumpy, just smile, smile, smile.
I am really proud of you for posting sweetie, I can imagine how hard that must have been for you.
You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met & spoken too & those bullies were so, so wrong. You are not a bad person at all.
I'm in for respite at the moment but you can still text me and I will text you back asap. Please April, I'm here for you & I promise you I want to be - I'm not just saying it & you aren't forcing me to something I don't want to.
Lotti, I'm not amazing. Really. I'm a horrible person.
I just cant find any reasons not to hurt myself. I'm just waiting now until Sunday.
It sounds sick, but I want that cast. I want to hurt myself enough for one. The last attempt last year was weak. I only got a tubi-grip. I want to do it worse now, and by doing it over a few days it will ensure it will fracture/break.
Its not just self harming thoughts I'm getting now, its suicidal too. I cant text Marilyn, she's off work now and she's going to Poland tomorrow. Mel doesn't work with me anymore. I'm stuck with my own thoughts until Tuesday. I'm not asking for professional help, I just can't. I don't deserve anymore. I don't deserve what I'm getting now. I'm just a waste of the NHS's money and resources. I don't know if I can wait until Sunday. >_<
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
You aren't a waste of the NHS's money and resources at all.
Are you feeling any better today? Damn Marilyn being in Poland. You do deserve professional help but I hear what you are saying.
Thinking of you lots & lots
x
Thanks Lotti and *B-S-F*. Marilyn will be back on Tuesday. I'm only feeling a fraction better altogether. At times its even worse. I can't fault my mam, she's been trying to help me feel better all day (I told her last night about how I was feeling). I feel really guilty about even thinking of hurting myself, because she is really trying to help me. At the moment I'm feeling worse. I've been learning to crochet to help take my mind of things, and it helps, but when I'm not doing anything I'm feeling totally hopeless. My brother and sister are squabbling, which doesn't help things at all. I'm just waiting until I see how I feel for the next few days. If I feel better, then there will be no need to hurt myself (or so my theory goes) *crosses fingers*.
April x
I'm feeling a lot better today. I haven't had any urges to self harm or otherwise. I've been working on my crochet. Its about 15cmx15cm now (its a square!)! Thanks everyone for being so supportive, its not quite over yet but I feel better, which is good. I'll talk to Nicola and Marilyn (when she's back from her daughters hen weekend!) about how I've been. xx
Well done!! Glad you fought it, thats amazing!! Makes you really strong & courages!! xxxx
Last edited by B-S-F : 14-07-2008 at 04:21 PM.
Reason: Spelling
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
Okay I'm going to write this in here to stop taking up so many threads.
I feel like shit. I'm fat, which everyone knows because I'm obese and disgusting. I'm ugly. Because I have lots of moles on my face, a fucking deformed nose, and because I'm fat it makes me uglier. I feel like a fucking monster when I leave the house. I don't wear make up, because I don't see the point in making myself look even worse. My sister is all thin and pretty and perfect (Yes I know green eyed monster) and has boyfriends and friends even. I know no one will want to be my friend, let alone go out with me, because I'm so ugly. I see all these people on the picture board and all the people telling them how pretty they are and I know that will never happen to me, or at least if they do they wont be telling the truth. I'm broken on the inside and the outside. I hate my nose, but I'm supposed to be having it fixed but every single day I run to the front door waiting for the letter to come through off the hospital and I die a little more each day when it doesn't come. No guy or girl will ever love me. Yes you can say its early to say at 17 but I know no one ever will because I'm a fucking monster, inside and out. I'm on the verge of tears here writing this because I know its the truth. My personality is crap, I'm self centred, selfish, boring and crazy. Everything I'm writing is the truth. I hate my life. I wish I wasn't here. If there is a God, why did he break me when he made me? Why am I still holding on? Why did I stop self harming in the first place, it was a stupid idea. The only part I like about myself is my scars, and thats because I put them there. I want more. I know I wont though. But its still in my head, wrecking the inside of me. I don't want compliments, because I know theyre all fake.
Sorry for droning on. I'm going away to die inside now.
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
You aren't ugly April, or self-centered, selfish, crazy. I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible at the moment :( I wish they'd hurry up with your letter. Would you be able to ask your Mam if she could chase it up/see what is happening?
xxx
Now I just feel like an attention seeking twat. But I'm writing anyways o_O
I cried in the group today after the other girl left. I was feeling really vunerable and suicidal. Marilyn said some nice things to me, but it didn't really make me feel better. She didn't ask me if I was feeling suicidal, she just asked if I was having bad thoughts, so I don't know if she knew I was feeling like that. I felt better when I was out of there though. I still feel a little suicidal, but not as bad. I just keep wondering why I'm here, and I keep thinking that I dont want to be here (on this planet) either. I've distracted myself a bit since I've got home, but I keep wanting to wallow in my bad suicidal thoughts. I haven't self harmed, I want to so badly but I keep thinking of how my family would take it if I did, thats the only thing keeping me going. Hmm. >_<
Oh god. Oh god. I have that feeling. Its making me shakey. Its making me feel sick. All I can think about is hurting myself. Why do urges affect me this bad after I've stopped for a year? Oh god. I feel like dying now. I just want to die and not have to deal with all this. I wish I could die and know I wouldn't affect anyone around me. But I know it would. Its the only thing stopping me. But for how long? I'm making plans. Jump in front of cars. Overdose. Cut my wrists until I bleed to death. Anything to get away from this. I can't get onto MSN because I'm on the laptop. I cant get away from this feeling. Why am I going downhill again, after all my hard work? Someone save me. Someone please help me. I should have told Marilyn that I was feeling suicidal. But what good would that have done me? Just made my parents keep a closer eye on me. I'm upstairs in my bedroom with the self harming thing under my bed, just screaming for me to pick it up. No, I can't. It would kill my parents. But its so loud in my head. The thoughts are deafening. I wish someone could help me.
I'm so sorry for this really attention seeking post. Fuck I'm going to feel bad if I dont self harm after this post.
