Part of my split-off self is anti-social.
And yes, to my shame, this usually comes up in public. Though rarely with people I know.
I won't go into details, because I'm too ashamed.
It gets triggered by jealousy, possessiveness, change.
I came to see this really clearly in therapy today, this anti-social part. I cried. I feel close to tears now. I have an ache in the centre of my chest that feels like being heart-broken.
As a child everyone [apart from my father...] thought I was so sweet and quiet and good.
*This* was all bubbling away below the surface.
Oh God.
What do I do?
I mean, understanding that this exists isn't new. But seeing it this clearly is, facing it.
I have no social life. And growing up I was virtually imprisoned in my parents' house. Only going out to school, the shops with mum, and the school where mum worked before and after school.
Somehow it's gone from this lack of social nurturing to having a split off anti-social part. I mean, the part of me that understands it theoretically gets how that happened. And also sees how this AS state is partly a cover for severe social anxiety.
I can see much more clearly how I tend towards the dissociative identity end of the borderline spectrum, however you want to put it. I call it a trauma response constellation, and mine consists of Complex PTSD, Borderline features and a tendency towards dissociative identities. [There's just two of me, if that wasn't enough.]
Where do I go from here? My shame prevents me from fully accepting this anti-social state, that it exists. My therapist is helping me face it fully face on though, and understands how distressing it is for me. I know she's on my side, and that she doesn't see this anti-social state as all of me. I am so grateful for that.
But I feel so alone, so sad, so hurting. I have to get through and manage this somehow.
Oh honey it sounds as though things are really tough for you at the moment *hugs* but remember we're all here for you. Sorry i don't have anything more concrete to say but i just wanted to let you know i was listening
Thank you everyone. My mind's blurry this morning, because once again I didn't sleeep much, and I have period pain. I'll say some more after today's therapy session.
Thanks. I've just been really busy sorting out the eZine, getting it ready for Sunday, and it's now suddenly 9.00! And I had about 5 hours sleep last night and the night before. And I have to get up early for a GP appointment tomorrow! So I'm going to get to bed and taking a sleeping tablet to help. I'll update properly here tomorrow.
But I did see my GP this morning, too. And, although I didn't say anything about what's been emerging this week, I told her about how I'd got an MP3 player now, and use it to help me when I'm out and about. She said how that could indeed help me cope with the 'voices in my head when I'm out and about.'. No, I'm not psychotic, what she was meaning was the sense that everyone's staring at me, everyone hates me, noone even cares that I exist, everyone's following me and wants to hurt me kind of thoughts.
Back to my Shadow side. This anti-social side is a distorted protection. It 'jumps in' when I feel anxious, but just ends up making everything worse. Things like shouting at strangers who don't allow my PTSD-mind enough space, or who look at me.
My therapist explained to me that these shadow feelings are normal human feelings. Everyone has them. That it's more intense for me, because everything got pushed down and buried when I was growing up.
I panic when things feel out of control. I have this 'need' to feel in control, because my emotional reactions were so conditioned and controlled by others for so many years. So much so that I lost any sense of self.
I'm just so tired. My Other mind/shadow side prevents me from thinking things through when it's forefront. It blocks out feeling too. I'm doing my best to keep on top of this, and not to judge the whole package. Not to destroy it, but to understand. It's hard work.
