I am so tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to struggle through each day. I don't know how much longer I can hide how badly I feel. I think about cutting every minute of every day. I have been thinking of taking more of my meds than i should, not to kill myself but to feel differently. Maybe if I feel badly physically but inside (if that makes sense) then I could say I feel like shit without worrying the people who care about me. I just want to feel something different. I am tired of never being ok, of never being good enough. I am a horrible person, I really am, I wish people could see it so they would give up on me so I could give up on me too.
I cannot remember what life was like before I felt like this. I cannot remember ever being happy but that can't be the way it really was right? I know that my mother sent me to play therapy when I was in grade 4 because I said i wanted to kill myself, but that was just talk right? I was happy once right? I want to believe I was happy but I have no evidence of that. Of course I wasn't always this bad, but i don't remember ever being innocent and carefree like kids are supposed to be. I was always trying to protect my sister and brother (until he got violent).
I don't have any right to be like this. All I do is hurt the people who care about me, just like my mother. I am just like her and it will only get worse. It is not fair to them. It isn't fair that they worry about me.
