Triggering (Suicide) - I cannot stop crying.

[lunalovegood]

I've been crying for like forever now. I cannot stop.
I have done the dishes and washed my clothes and done the vacuum cleaning and cleaned up and there is nothing left to do.
can someone please just talk to me. anything. pretty things. I can't do this. I can't. I can't.

[ghosts in the machine]

*gentle hugs* you can talk to me if you want =) what's up?

[lunalovegood]

I can't get company with anyone, I have no one left, my parents are gone, there is no one here, except my brother and his friends who were here earlier but I kicked them out because I freaked because they have been hanging out here since sunday and I cannot take it, I cannot stand it when there are people in our house who don't belong to the family, especially in the evening when I need to be alone.
I don't even know what the problem is, I just can't stop crying, everthing's too much for me, I have two jobs and I have to be happy and chipper all the time and I am and I can be, and then I crash so bad in the evening and I can't sleep I haven't slept right in weeks I don't even know what to do any more and the sleeping pills won't help and I only have one left so I can't even take a bunch to just fall asleep and I probably should end this sentence now.
and I have promised myself I wouldn't cut anymore and I'm not, I'm really not cutting, even though I want to so bad. and I cannot just sit here, I need to clean something but there's nothing left, everything's perfect so Ive started cleaning tings twice but I can't just wash my clothes twice because that's bad, that needs to much water and everything and that costs money so I shouldn't do that and I'm ranting I'm so sorry. i need to stop crying I've been singing to myself to calm myself but it just won't help nothing will.

[Scarlet Angel]

I'm here if you want to chat. *hugs* xx

[Stellata]

*sits with you*

I hear how alone and desolate you're feeling right now.
We're here for you.

How about getting back to your doc to talk about the medication? The thing is, though, medication can't cure loneliness and isolation. Talking can help with that. Finding a way through.

[lunalovegood]

I know medication can't cure anything. I just don't want to be so emotional anymore. I want to shut my feelings down. I don't want to have to feel. ever. again. it's too much. I can't take this up and down and up and down every single fu***** day it changes a hundred times and I've been trying so so so hard to not let it get me, to control myself and everything and do whatever, but I can't and I'm so alone and I have no friends and I know that's my fault but I won't ever have anyone because I am just too different..

[Stellata]

Everyone gets emotions, it's part of being human. Shutting feelings down won't help either, because they can just tend to burst out in the wrong places. It's even possible that you're emotions are all over the place right now, but were buried and stuffed down a lot when you were younger.

I hear how your feelings change a lot, fluctuate considerably throughout the day. Is this something you've told your doctor? Are you under a lot of stress that might be causing this?

Journalling and/or drawing might help. You could also print off some colouring pages from the internet to colour in. That can be very soothing. There're a couple of good sites here http://www.coloring-book.info/coloring/ and here http://www.edupics.com/en-coloring-p...alas-c125.html

[lunalovegood]

I don't actually have a doctor. not yet, anyway. I've been planning on getting one when I'm at uni, which will make more sense and also my parents won't be there.
I need to shut my emotions down though. there are too many which is ot right or normal and it shouldn't be like this.

thanks for the colouring pages. i love to colour stuff. I'll start right now.

[Stellata]

Maybe it might help to think of your emotions being kept safely in another part of your mind for a while until you're ready to face them?

I'm glad you're planning to get to see a doctor. Now might be a good time to plan strategies for getting you safely through the Summer.

Enjoy the colouring. :)