well now I'm getting an assessment on the July 24th by more counsellor and I've already
nearly done it three times again today attempting sui..., I've planned two attempts for tonight,
I won't, because I feel too guilty on my friends.
but it's not leaving my head, and I've Sied more, I cut earlier. And I'm starting to not be so scared about sui. The more I think about it the less scared I am, And I'm actually getting excited thinking about some things I could do tonight, I just wish they would stop messing me about
:
" I want her taken into hosp. tonight"
next day they're saying I'm getting assessed in like two weeks. And before you know it, it'll be 19th July again, the day I always get upset on, and I don't want to get better. I want to do it. SO much, no-one seems to understand really, how can anyone anymore, I feel so desperate, in a secret way I was happy someone cared, because finally someone did, but It's not stopping me, everyone's fed up of me worrying them, I know my parents and the rest of my family are. I'm suprised Hel, you haven't given up on me yet, I'm such a bother. No-one seems to care, and for that reason, I'm seriously thinking of doing it again but alot more seriously. I won't. I'll try not to tonight, I'll try my best. But it's so bloody difficult because I'm not wanting to recover anymore. I can't fight it anymore. That's why I've Oded so much recently. I don't want to fight the thoughts in my head. I don't want to, becuase they've been there for so longer I'm starting to really believe them the ones like " Maybe if I die X will happen" And they're alot of them. And I'm starting to conquer the big fear of death which has been keeping at me for so long.
I really need to talk to someone before July 24th. I know I do, I couldn't move earlier because I felt so energyless and lethargic, I literally couldn't move, I was so tired out. And right then I was writing down how much I wanted to do it and why, The only reason I sat up was to go and SI again.
I can't talk to friends about things anymore apart through RYL cause it's easier, cause most of the time when I'm upset, they're usually pretty vulnerable too, and look what I f***ing caused, my new friend Oded.
This is why I don't talk to many people anymore.
I'm just such a waste of space, I'm sorry. But I'm really feeling constantly suicidal. I wrapped around __________________ my _______yesterday night, which I didn't tell anyone about, to try and you know. But It wasn't tight enough and near by impossible,
I did it twice. when I found out I might be going IP.
I would do it again but I promised friends. But I wouldn't be suprised if tomorrow I'll be there again, I know I'm losing my mind. Helen I have no idea why but all I wanted to do when we were talking on the phone was cry and go Si and go attempt. And I was feeling a little bit happier then.
I know I'm talking nonsense, I made a list of all of the things I have done ( action and thought wise) sui and there are thirteen things on the list that the hosp. doesn't know about...
because I didn't think it was important.
And If I give it to them they'll just straight away, I don't even know what I want anymore apart from dying. That's why I don't want to go IP. because I won't have the control anymore, I really feel like it so much.
I will try my best. Tonight, I will. I'll try I haven't attempted today.
But I know, I'll be back there tomorrow in that state of mind. It's my first thought in the morning. My last thought at night. My only thought when i get upset/depressed. It's so hard. I feel so weird, sorry for posting such a thing I was going to rant, but I wanted to reply in here. Sorry if I have triggered anyone. Which I always manage to do. I cryed alot earlier because my Mum was shouting at me how much she couldn't take me anymore, and I couldn't attempt so I got upset.
xxxx
