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Triggering (SI) - Am I a freak?
I'm feeling more and more like a freak everyday. This is not great, because I've got college coming up soon and I don't want to become really depressed again.
I react very badly to anything that goes wrong. I end up getting depressed, not talking to anyone, crying or wanting to self harm/die every time any little thing goes wrong. I get flashbacks, which have gone down to a few times a week. I get really strong urges to self harm/commit suicide, which take a lot of mental energy to fight, since they make me feel sick and shaky still even though its been a long time since I last self harmed.
I have the words "Alone", "Help" and "Freak" scarred into my arm, and the freak one is the most noticable, so it doesnt do wonders for my self esteem. Otherwise I love my scars, apart from those words. People don't understand why I love my scars, I just feel like they are there to remind me of what happened and what could happen again if I go down that road. When I say this people still don't understand why I love them so I'm left thinking, am I freak or something for thinking that? Why do I think differently to other people?
I get really panicky when someone touches my skin. Well, when someone I don't know or trust touches my skin. I really hate people touching me, and I don't know why. There are only a few people who I don't get panicky with when they touch me, and I get really nervous paying for things because of the possibility of the cashier touching my skin when I give them the money. My family therapists say I can put the money down on the counter, but there isn't always a counter and my mind goes racing as I'm queueing. I'm like it in banks too, because there are a lot of people in a queue close to each other, so I keep my hands in my sleeves so nobody can touch me. I don't know why I feel like this and I hate feeling like this, because its not normal.
Some people (professionals) see me as better now (though they have acknowledged that I struggle with things and I'm not totally recovered yet), which I suppose I am to what I was two years ago, but I still have things about me that they seem to not care about. I don't think I'm ill as such anymore, but I'm still struggling with things. I have Complex PTSD (but I'm not currently recieving treatment for that specifically) so I don't know if any of this is connected with it.
I feel really self absorbed posting this, as I mostly post talking about myself, so I'm sorry.
Am I freak?
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