I don't know what to do anymore. I am so, so sick of the way I feel and can only see one way of sorting this all out. It's not an ideal solution, but it seems like the only one I have. These thoughts are like, constantly invading my head. Wondering when I can get my next prescription so I can OD, looking at every object not for what it is, but as a tool for hurting myself with.
Oh, I broke my 1 month without cutting and now I can't stop. I went a bit too deep on one on my hand so I'm finding it really hard to type, and it's really triggering literally being able to see inside the wound.
Most of the CAMHS people I see think I am just this manipulative, bullying person that wants attention all of the time, so I can't tell them how I feel, not really. Besides, theres nothing they can really do. Last time i was in a&e the duty doctor offered to admit me to the adult ward there but my parents would never agree. It wouldn't make me any better anyway, so whats the point? Plus if i went into an adult ward camhs would probably hand me over to them, which i don't think I could deal with.
The worst of the worst, one of the nurses at my group therapy told another patient that she has a good idea of what my secret is. Shit. It's the most disgusting vile secret and she must think so little of me if she has really guessed what it is. I don't know how I'm going to face her. I can't. I'm such an awful, disgusting person. Everyone really would be better off without me.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
