Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - Please give me a reason to keep living...

[BlueB]

I really can't do this anymore...can't do anything,I don't want to live any longer. I've tried so hard to fight this...I've had an ED for 10 years and I can't be strong anymore.I'm going to turn 21 in 2 weeks and I don't want to live out another year like this,I won't....that's one thing I can control.

I have no-one left,I'm isolating myself from everyone because I don't want to inflict my crap on people and I hope in some small way they might contact me wondering if I'm ok but they never do. I have no friends,no-one I can really talk to about things,the people I really loved have all died.I don't matter to anyone in this world,in fact I could probably count the number of people that would come to my funeral on one hand,that's the sad,pathetic truth.What mark have I made on this world,nothing.I have no family left apart from my mum and even she doesn't want me,in fact she resents me so much because I have ruined her life. My dad sexually abused me and I will never forgive myself for letting it happen and I can't cope with the flashbacks of it all the time,being too scared to go to sleep. I've got myself into trouble financially and now am being told to repay loans with absolutely no money to my name and will anyone help me out, no.How am I supposed to magic up cash I don't have?!

I give up,nothing in this world excites me anymore,I see no future for myself and I don't care if I hurt myself because I won't be here much longer.I thought about ringing my therapist but I don't deserve his time and I don't want him to stop me going...I can't risk being locked up again so I have to exist alone.Anyway I have talked until I am blue in the face and nothing ever changes....I am smart enough to know that I'm fighting a losing battle and I am the biggest loser ever.People say hang on because it can change,things will get better, I may feel differently tomorrow but that day never comes,I've prayed for the time when I will feel ok,I will accept who I am and move on from my past and I don't see a point where I will ever be able to do that and be happy.I've had enough,full stop.I can't live like this anymore....I see no reasons left to keep living.I'm scared of death but it can't possibly be any worse than this.

[Lost-Odd-Sock]

when people say hold on for tomorrow, it might feel like it will nevr come but trust me it will recovery is out there, sometimes its just hard to graps, it sounds like you've had a lot of bad things happen to you, and that has to makeit harder to deal with life in general, but darling you're still here which means you are stronger than you think you are, some times thigns just take so long to get going, but once the balls rolling, there are going to be ups and downs, but you'll feel so proud and once you beat this, you'll find things so much better, nothing is ever going to be perfect, but you have to give yourself a chance.

you should already be proud of yourself for how far you've come

im here if you need a chat, rant or shoulder to cry on love

xxxx

Allie

xxxx

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I know how stupid this sounds, but maybe in giving in, you'll be going to a worse place. Everyone believes that when you die, you go to a better place, but maybe that's not true, maybe this IS the better place, you just have to fight through it and make your life better! Once you are gone, you can't change anything. You could have a million ideas on things that MIGHT have worked, but the sad reality is that you can't change anything. "A permanent solution to a temporary problem". That's amazing that you have tried talking to people, but just because no one has listened yet, doesn't mean that no one will. You can find someone to help you, be that in real life or on RYL. There are tones of people who want to help you feel better!! You can fight through this. All it takes is a fierce determination. You are WAY stronger than you think. You've been able to survive 10 years of pain and suffering. You do deserve help, no matter how hard that is to believe!!
I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I've only just woken up and am sick, so I might be rambling.

You can do it, and if you EVER need to talk,PM me because you never know, it might help even just to vent a little.

Keep fighting, okay?

[0xygen]

hey, i just want to say a few things, and i hope they make some sort of difference to you even if they're small. i cannot imagine what you're going through, but i know that you've have been so very strong. you've managed to get to 20, and i know you've put up a long fight, but you have every right to be happy, you're entitled to it. life's not easy, which is a sad reality, and change isn't easy, especially when you've lived the same way for so many years. turning 21 isnt a bad thing, although i can see if from your point of view. i know you want things to get better, and no matter how many times you get knocked down, you have to get up, you must. giving up is not an option, it shouldn't be. i don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but giving up would be giving in. once you cross the line there's no turning back, there's no changing anything.

let 21 be the age at which you become stronger, you said yourself you don't want to go through another year like this, so make this year the year of change.

im sorry to hear that you've lost the people that mattered to you in life. but im sure theyd want you to carry on. why do you think you've ruined your mums life? does she know what happened to you? i know the flashbacks are horrible, but have you spoken to your therapist about them?

please stop thinking so low of yourself, i dont see how you've done anything wrong. its easy to get lost when there's no guidance and support. do you have a job? how did you manage to get yourself into debt?

dont take offence to my questions, i just need to know more so i can give you more distinct advice. i think you should contact your therapist, you need to talk about what's going on with you, if he's not helping, try and get another. i know a lot of this is easier said than done, but its all these difference that will add up to bigger change.

you are not fighting a losing battle babes, every thing's worth fighting for, to live is worth fighting for.

[BlueB]

Thankyou for the replies,it means loads.I'm still contemplating calling my therapist as he won't be around at the weekend obviously but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone.

I am just so worn out of all this,sick of every day being the same...even when I try to find something positive I can't hold it in my mind,I just end up thinking about all the bad memories.I want things to change but it seems so hard,I can't forgive myself for things that have happened and I feel so lost.I had so many things I wanted to achieve in my life and now I see nothing.

I know I have ruined my mum's life,she tells me all the time.She had to give up her career when she had me and she has always resented me being in her life.I don't know if she knows about the abuse from my father...I know that sounds strange but I suspect that she does know but she won't admit to it.She knows that I was physically abused by him but she never did anything to stop it.I don't think she would belive me if I told her anyway,she thinks my problems are all about attention seeking really.

I haven't spoken to my therapist yet about the flashbacks no...they are of something I haven't actually told him about yet anyway so I don't really know what to say.They are quite graphic and I don't know how to find the words to say it all and I don't want him to be disgusted with me.My therapist really does help me but I feel guilty taking up his time and I have a real issue with trust so it is hard for me to open up face to face sort of thing.

I used to have a job but my contract ended a couple of months ago....I am only in debt because my mum refuses to support me financially even though I live with her and I am a full time college student,so it's just money I have had to spend on everyday things.I'm looking for another job at the moment but the bank are wanting me to clear this debt in the next month so I don't know what I'm going to do.I explained to them I can't just make money appear but they weren't very understanding.

It's all such a mess and I seem to be getting dragged down deeper and deeper into this black hole of nothingness.

[BlueB]

I am through with this life...there is nothing that is going to stop me anymore.I'm at home alone for most of the weekend so I'm going to finish it,I just hope I have the courage.

I left a mesage for my therapist and he didn't ring me back,no-one cares,I can't hold on any longer to wait to talk to someone...I've had enough,I'm worn out and tired of all this mess.Who is even going to notice that I'm not around anymore?

[Scarlet Angel]

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry things are so bad right now. People here will notice you aren't around!
Please try and stay safe. If you need to chat PM me
K xxx