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Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I'm giving up.
I was going to kill myself yesterday. I got so close. I can't even explain what stopped me, I don't know.
That's not really the issue though. It's the fact that I've let myself get low enough to even consider it. It's almost like every day I get weaker instead of stronger and I've been having this struggle for years and just when I finally thought things aren't so bad, some shit has to happen to prove me wrong on that.
I tried so hard to quit drugs, drinking and cutting. Yeah, ocasionally I binge on the drugs and shit and I've not been able to stop cutting but I can go weeks now, whereas before I couldn't even go longer than like an hour. I've worked so hard for so long and for what?
Nothing changes.
I have no friends. My family are too busy screaming at each other 24/7 to notice me. People lie to me and use me and when things get a little good, I get scared and push people away. I'm the problem. I've gone back to thinking everyone's lives would be better if I wasn't in it.
A part of me is sick of trying to fix everyone else and solve their problems and save them when no one cares that much about me, but at the same time it makes me feel abit less useless.
It just scares me to think I'm falling again, and this time there'll be nothing to hold on to and no one holding out a hand.
I don't believe in God or something above. I don't believe in anything anymore, no matter how much I try. I don't know what/who/if anything can save me. I don't know if I can even be saved anymore.
I scare myself when I'm so down I'm out of control and I don't even know what I'm doing. I just don't think about it, I'm completely irrational. If I cut the inside of my arm yesterday instead of the outside, I'd surely be gone by now. That thought should scare me but it doesn't. It disappoints me. It just makes me wonder why the fuck I didn't do the inside, right through my fucking artery. I'm sick and I'm selfish and I don't know if I can be bothered to fight it anymore.
Sorry this has just ended up sounding like pointless rambling.
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