This is how I am... (SI, ED, SUI triggers!!!)

Doesnt_matter · 03-07-2008, 08:53 PM

Hi everybody,
I'd like to post the latest post of my RYL dairy, so you know what is going on my mind.
Perhaps you could give me some hugs and tips

?
Sorry for asking for support.
See it as a kind of an update

.
Hugs, and big thanks to everyone,
Judith

Sooo many people are away now because it's holiday time...
...and I, I am so f***ing lonely

.
The problem is that I don't call the people who aren't away because I cannot imagine that someone would be happy to be called by me

.
Yeah, and on some friends, I's still angry or more disappointed but mostly, I don't call ANYONE because I still can't believe that someone could like me.
My jealousy, my doubts and my craziness will destroy all my friendships sooner or later

. (All these things are aftermaths of years of bullying

.)
My friends, my little cousins (who are on holidays, too) and my mum are everything that holds me from committing suicide

.
I am so lonely. I need someone I can hug or by whom I can be hugged. I need someone to talk to (except my mum). I need someone for whom I can motivate myself to tidy up my flat.

RYL and Youtube are my main contacts at the moment but I cannot fully trust people there because 1.) because of probably fakes (and I am sooo sorry for that!), 2. I think very often I get on your nerves and 3. I believe you wouldn't like me if you would meet me in real life

.

I mean, I am suicidal very often but the professionals believe me that I won't commit suicide. Does that mean that they think that I am a coward failure, too? Don't they take my serious?

Oh, yeah, and I f***ing hate my mood swings

. I hope my mood stabiliser will help me soon.

The urges to cut have been being quite strong during the last few days. Furthermore, I have found a very sharp razorblade under my mousepad which I hid there and it is sooo tempting to know that it is laying there.
I cannot understand that I am strong enough to haven't used it YET

.

My ED problems are surprisingly weak at the moment. I eat quite OKish and I do not even feel bad after eating on most days.
Sometimes I restrict, sometimes I binge, sometimes I eat too little and sometimes I eat enough.
I hardly don't think about purging. I only think about it when I am angry or desperate but, so this urge does not correlate with eating at the moment

.
Yeah, and my OCD is kind of not bad at the moment

.

l'il esky · 03-07-2008, 10:32 PM

sending huggles hun.
dpnt let anyone make you feel like your feelings are unreal or whatever, only you know how you feel.

i dont think people on here are fake, i think this place is one of the only places where people can be completely honest about their illness and problems cos wont be judged in the same way as non sh-ers/ED'd/ mental health issues etc. we are a support group and noone is gonna think your annoying them by asking for support cos if we didnt post when we thought to much about that we wouldnt have a very busy site.

take care chick pea, keep yourself distracted and hide your tool somewhere else, you dont need it

xxx mwah xxx

xxhappydaysxx · 03-07-2008, 10:55 PM

Im sorry things are so hard for you right now. You deserve to feel better. Please keep fighting, and try and make the doctors listen, do whatever it takes, your health is so important.

Just wanted you to know I read this and I care hun
xxxx

Doesnt_matter · 07-07-2008, 03:40 AM

Thank you so much for your answers and sorry that it took me so long to answer!
It's so nice that you answered me and you really give me hope.

I do believe that people here are real but a part of me is doubting it but I don't mean it offending.
My doubting on people (here and in "real life" and mostly on myself) is part of the aftermath of years of bullying

.
At the moment, trusting someone is very hard for me.
I cannot believe that someone likes me. I cannot contact my friends because I cannot believe that someone would be happy to hear from me.
I think I am getting on people's nerves here when I write something.
I am so jealous of friends' friends because I believe their other friends are more sane, more beautiful, more happy, more better than I am

.
Saturday, I went to the Cologne Pride and I saw girls with scars on their arms and this triggered me a lot but mostly, I got jealous because their scars were worse than mine

. I know that it isn't normal to feel like I'm a failure because I even cannot hurt myself "well"

.
On this Monday, one of my best friends will go inpatient and it feels strange for me because I won't go there, although I am crazy, too.

My therapist AND my psychiatrist are on holiday right now and I'm looking forward to my therapist coming back.
My only support system are my meds, my mum and RYL right now.
It would feel strange to contact an "emergency psychiatrist" just because my problems with jealousy and trusting, so I'll wait till my therapist will return next week.

Thanks a lot,
Judith

Kirin · 07-07-2008, 06:35 PM

Just to let you know I read this also and I hope the replies show you you are free to post here and receive support when you need it. Don't worry about getting on people's nerves, I'm sure no one actually feels like that-and hey, if people don't want to read they don't have to! If people weren't here to support you they just wouldn't bother replying!

Also, you were at Koeln Pride? I was too:) I'm sorry to hear it triggered you though.
Keep posting when you need to and hopefully it'll show you you're not so alone after all.

If I can help at all feel free to PM me and vent whatever you need to. Auch auf Deutsch wenn du willst!

x

Namaste · 07-07-2008, 09:05 PM

Aw.... *hugs*
I can relate to how you feel. It's hard when everyone else is away and it does get really lonely, but this too shall pass. I'll be thinking about you!
You can PM me anytime to talk. I know it's not the same as talking to someone you know in person, but it's better than nothing, right?