Graphic / Triggering - My time has come -may trigger all

[*Fading_existence*]

Hi,
I am so so sorry for being so selfish and posting so much I just really have reached the end of the road.

I feel like I know I need to die, like it’s the only way I can come through this. Whilst it will cause pain and is selfish I really TRULY HONESTLY believe my time has come. I have got my plans ready-i'm 99% certain that it will work when I imagine them it makes me feel warm and happy inside. Like it’s a release knowing finally I will be ready to rest and be at peace. I cant do this whole fighting it thing anymore I have tried meds (10 months), counselling (a year), seen the mental health team everything.

I’m sorry, I don’t know why i’m posting I guess I just wanted to know that i’m not alone in feeling this way. I’m currently at my friends I have been looking after their cats whilst they are away, there was a loose floorboard which I have made worse and i’m so scared of what they are going to say. I really really don’t know what to do anymore. I want to run from here, but I don’t want to go home. I have no where to hide. Please can someone help? Even my SH isn’t giving me the satisfaction it should I just have no other outlet –I just want the ULTIMATE freedom.

My dad rang earlier and I was really upset and he said this cant carry on he will make me talk to him –i’m not doing that please stop this let me die. I love my dad we are very close but I cant tell him my secrets. My issues or anything about my depression/sh/suicidal ideations. I CANT do this anymore. I give up. No more. Nothing. I’m gone.

I’m sorry for posting again i’m a stupid pathetic selfish bitch I just had to let it out. I want the day to come sooner but it wont as I cant work out the ideal place to do the deed that will be done. Just a waiting game for now.

please know you are most defineately not alone and i care about you, i hope you can find the strength to stay safe and talk to someone about how your feeling, i know it doesnt feel like it but you are strong because your here and its as simple as that, your here therefore you are strong, please take care of yourself and try to stay safe and get help

*sends lots of safe huggles*

[AbandonedPixie]

I don't have any advice or owt. But I love you lots Faye, please talk to someone about this.

*snuggles* Ly x

[Kuwairo]

Gosh, Faye, I am so so sorry I've just seen this.

Hun, you can fight this. For as long as I've known you you've been a fighter, it's one thing I admire about you. And I know you can get that fighting spirit back.
I'm so proud of you for posting this...it shows that there's still part of you not ready to go yet. Hun, hold on to that.
You've helped me so so much, you've helped keep me here. Now let me help you. Just let me know how.

You are such a special, beautiful, kind and strong person, one of my best friends on here, and I know you can get through this.

[Ingenue]

*Squishes you && holds on tight*
Faye you are not any of the words you said above.
You are an amasing, beautiful, caring, helpful person. And many people here love you, as your dad does.
I understand you find it unbelievably hard to even contemplate telling your dad about your thoughts (believe me i understand why you do) but i really think opening up with him could help.
Please let your dad in sweetie. He's there and he loves you. Please let him help you.
You said suicide feels like the only way to rid these feelings and self harm isn't having the same affect?
What about trying something new, just try everything before you think about suicide huni. Maybe opening up and having someone to hold your hand and help you throughout it all could make a massive difference.
It really could make the difference and your life could become so much better.
Also i understand your faith in the help you are getting isn't good. Is there any chance you can talk to your GP about changing your meds && possibly about changing to a different councillor or a different type of counseling?
Just try and consider everything first. Give yourself every chance to have a life you can love.
Please take care of yourself lovely.
<3

[*Fading_existence*]

Im seeing my GP on tues, but i dont know please please i really really want to die. I want to do it. I KNOW its the right thing to do. The thing that will make me happy is SUICIDE. My friends were fine when they got back, but my mum is a whole new story. All i ever do is make things bad or wrong. Its never ok or right im just such a let down. I have to look after her and i cant do it i really cant please can someone rescue me. Please help me and ease this pain for good i know its the right thing to do.

I think about it night and day and it fills me with joy thinking about it. Im a BAD BAD BAD person, i deserve to suffer but i cant keep facing it and having it. Maybe i can go somewhere that bad people are taught how to be good? I dont know all i know is if something doesnt change soon i wont be here much longer. Im becoming more and more confident on fufilling my desires and carrying out the act.

[Alone and Scared]

You are not a bad person at all hunni and you don't need to suffer!!
Please, please be totally honest with your Doctor and tell him/her exactly how you are feeling hun.

Hang on and please keep fighting sweetie. xxxx

[*Fading_existence*]

I do need to suffer i promise, my mums made it so obvious what a let down/crap/pathetic daughter pick any of those. All i want to do is die and yet i cant even do that cause my friends will be mad but then if i go i wont have to face them, but i know how angry they'll be because dor some stupid reason they give a shit about me and care and believe i can come through this and they know every tiny detail from my SA, bullying, eating issues, anxiety/paranoia everything and they still think i can live a life.

They are deluding themselves and im just here til i can get acceptance to go and die. Im a selfish heartless stupid pathetic bitch.

[Kuwairo]

You don't need to suffer. You've done nothing wrong, it's your mum with the problem and your brother.
Remember what I said hun? Friends choose to spend time with you. They're your family out of choice and I'll say for all of them that we love you and we don't want you to leave us yet.
Hun, you can live a life, and a good one, but you have to keep fighting this depression, and the anxiety and everything else that gets you down.
You're not selfish, heartless, stupid or pathetic or a bitch, you're one of the most beautiful, selfless, strong people I have the privilege of knowing.

[*Fading_existence*]

Hun shes done it again today -she was upset so i tried to be nice and did a few things for her and i get a mouthful of what i should be like as thanks.
Great F***ing daughter i am. Im hiding in my room. Had a minor sh but going to do more damage later.
I hate all this i really really really am desperate to die why cant people let me? im so selfish for it i know because having friends as amazing as you i should be really happy but im not because im as crap and pathetic as my mum tells me and my brother.

[Kuwairo]

You know what hun?
You're a fantastic daughter, because you put up with her saying all this to you and you still care about her and love her. And that's not being a shit daughter in my view.
Please be careful hun, you said you're feeling ok today, don't let this bring you down because you're amazing and you don't need this.
People won't let you because we want you in our lives.
Ignore your mum and brother, they're not worth this pain.

[*Fading_existence*]

Im a f***ing s*** daughter all i do is screw up in some way or another. Im such a stupid f***ing let down.
Hun i did what i wanted last night and ill prob do it again tonight i know im ok today but cutting makes me real happy and i like that :)
Why the hell would you want me? why cant you see the badness shining through i dont get it.
Hun i've realised ill never get on with my mum but i cant be a screw up my whole life it'll kill me.
Doctors tomorrow, im terrified im already shaking about it.

[Scarlet Angel]

Just wanted to send you a huge hug. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.
Hope your GP helps when you see them.
Hold on hun....xx

[*Fading_existence*]

Thank you, im so so scared i really dont want to go xxx

[espoir]

*hugs* like everyone else has said hold on sweet
xxxxxx

[Ingenue]

Faye *snuggles you & wraps you up in bubblewrap*

Good luck for your appointment tomorrow hun, you deserve to get the help you need.
I'm so sorry your mum makes you feel so low. Please try and block out what she is saying to you/making you feel.
You are such an amasing person, i hate to see you hurting like this.

Try not to hurt yourself sweetie, you don't deserve that.
You don't deserve any of this.
You only deserve happiness and compliments.

I hope it goes okay tomorrow. Let us know, yea?

<3
xxxxx

[moneypenny1985]

Good Luck Sweetheart.

Most of what I want to say has already been said.

Sounds like your mum is taking out on you what she really wants to take out on herself. If you try to think of it from her side she's probably feeling like a s*** mum for not being able to help and support you. Unfortunately she's not able to express that in anyother way than taking it out on you.

I know I don't know you but if I found out you were gone I'd cry. If you can create that kind of emotion in a stranger then you're worth more than you think to the world.

Hold on

Love Laura

[*Fading_existence*]

I went very reluctantly i didnt want to i hated it -i cut so badly last night because i couldnt stop shaking.

I told him and we are giving me a trial run with no meds because i havent had any for over a week and im no worse than when im on them. He is going to try and help me with sh -i dont want to give it up but hes going to support me and said i need the will power i dont think i can

He also has said about me having CBT but not sure about that yet thats a bit up in the air atm.

I did it AGAIN why oh why am i such a f***ing screw up. AGAIN!! what do i do? why am i so crap and pathetic im sorry im whining again like the selfish bitch that i am. She puts a NEGATIVE on ANYTHING/EVERYTHING i do or say. I mean am i really that bad?

I dont know what to do -now im not on meds i should get rid of them i have enough to do what i want. I know i should flush them but i just cant, i keep them by my bed at night they comfort me. Why am i like this? i dont understand please make it go please

Ive been thinking, i cant hack this anymore -cause im not allowed to try anything im going to run away. No safe here they push me too much, ask too much, want too much, dont trust me -their own daughter.

[Kuwairo]

Grrr my reply just disappeared!
Anyway.
You can hun. I promise you you can feel good without self harm. It just takes a fight, and I know you have it in you.
CBT may be worth a shot hun.
Did what again? Faye hun you're no screw up. You're not bad. It's your mum with the problem hun, and she has no right to take it out on you.
Remember what you told me in my thread about meds? You told me to flush them...and that's what I'm telling you to do...
I'm going to PM you now about the last bit.
xxxx

[*Fading_existence*]

I cant hun, i love it i just cant stop thinking about it -do i really have to give it up?
Yeah im waiting to see the reply -i had to write about the bad experience at the mental health team to see if someone else can take me on.
Hun i dont have to do anything i just fuck up the whole time. Its like im just a complete screw up altho ive noticed my mum does it to my bro a bit too not quite as much.
Hun i cant, this is how pathetic i am i can get to the loo and then i freeze and cant put them in there.
Absolutely pathetic.