Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Slipping.

[Daydream]

I'm so scared. I'm scared that I'll slip back into my old ways during the 10 week break I'm having until college. I keep feeling suicidal. I keep checking all my old places where I used to keep my blades, I know they aren't there since my dad found all of them two years ago, but I look in the hope that they'll be there. He found 42 blades that night he went through my room when I was in hospital, most of them razorblades. I wish he hadn't found them all. I wish he'd left one by accident. I want to cut so badly. I want to bang my wrist. I think I will. I don't want to really but my CBT skills aren't working. The thoughts keep going around and around in my head. Its getting loud again, like before. It'll kill my family to know I might start self harming again. I have group tomorrow. If I self harm I can show them then.

Ugh its just so hard. I feel like this every now and then and every time it feels like its the end of the world. I feel like hurting myself and dying, and at the same time i'm trying to help people over MSN who are feeling the same way. I'm such a hypocrite. I shouldn't be allowed to have a friend. I just put on a smile and will be okay to everyone. It feels like it'll never end. I'll never fully recover. Never. I'll always have the self harm urges, even if I don't act on them. I'll always be a little more depressed than everyone else at times. I'll always occasionally have suicidal urges. And most of all, I'll always have scars, inside and out. I feel like I'm broken. Damaged. Crazy.

Its been almost 14 months, and it sometimes feels like its only been a few days since I stopped hurting myself. The urges are that strong. Gah.

**I'm sorry I don't come into this forum to help other people that often, its just that this forum triggers me and I only come in here when I feel triggered anyway**

[Daydream]

My psychologist said I might always have the urges. And still 14 months after quitting I still have them bad :(
I think it might have triggered me, I am really afraid of the summer holidays since what happened two summers ago (in hospital for a while after self harming severely). I've got some support. I have the support worker once a week, group once a week and trainee psychologist once a week but its the bits in between that I'm scared of. Its the lack of structure. Up until two weeks ago I had a tutor and school too. Now my exams finished I dont have either. Grr.

[Tig]

*Squishes*

You don't need to be sorry for not coming in to this forum, I think it's great that you have acknowledged it's a trigger for you & have taken a step to help yourself by not coming here.

Lack of structure/summer break can be very scared and of course you have the difficult memories of two summers previous to cope with as well. Do you have the support over a few days or all the same day? Sorry, I'm a bit dense, I can't remember if you've said before! If you spoke to someone from group/support worker, do you think they could maybe arrange for some more activities for you to go to? I don't know if they could but it might be worth asking.

Sometimes I used to make myself a timetable on difficult days so I knew I had things planned, even if it is something small like reading or do you still make jewellery? Maybe you could get really involved with that this summer. You could set yourself up a project which might give you something to focus on.

Have you spoken to your support worker/psychologist about your urges to self harm/commit suicide and how the CBT skills aren't working for you at the moment. I'm sure they will be willing to hear and perhaps they could suggest ways you can cope with this and re-inforce the skills you have previously learnt. You deserve their help A, don't be afraid to ask for it.
I can relate to feelings of never being completely recovered and always having the urges. I think what your psychologist told you was a worst case scenario but it doesn't have to be you. It will always be something you live with I suppose but I hope that through time, for both of us, the urges will lessen and it will just be something we did. You have come so far although I know it doesn't always feel like that makes any difference.

You aren't a hypocrite for telling other people it does get better etc. You clearly care about others & I think that's a great strength you have there.

Love you lots, like jelly tots,

Lotti x

[Daydream]

Thanks Tracey (if I remember your name correctly :|)
When I think about it that way (how long I've felt bad for and how long healing can take) it makes me feel a little better about it (I have read the rest of your post too :P). You've really helped me feel better :)
Lotti! I didn't see you posted on my thread! I shall read your reply now.

[Daydream]

The support is over a few days (Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I think).

I think I will make a timetable of what I can do through the holidays. I have a whiteboard thats especially for a timetable upstairs ^_^ I do still make jewellery. I need some more projects to make though and I'm rereading harry potter.

I might tell my psychologist about the thoughts, but only as a last resort. I feel a hell of a lot better now, thanks you two :)

[Tig]

I am glad you are feeling better. The time-tabling things sounds useful :)
He he, for a project you can make me a bracelet :P Ha ha, fear not, you don't have too!
xxx

[B-S-F]

*Huggles* hunni!!
Well done for posting on here, dont apologise!!
Keep talking if it helps, we dont mind listening (reading).
And really glad you're feeling better!! xxx