You may have noticed my thread last week about failing my driving test, if not then I basically failed it for the 3rd time and was devastated(sp?).
I have acess to a drop in by a charity who works with young people with mental health issues. So have spent today and yesturday there, and also last Thursday. I have fallen back into a sort of depressive episiode, pervious to my test I was relatively confident, just having a couple of bad days here and there, but managing to regain control of my thoughts eventually. Yes I still self harmed now and again, but I was still improved.
Now since I failed I am really low, cutting almost every day again. I know that I have felt worse before but it doesn't matter, I still feel like **** now. The workers at the drop in, have all noticed that I feel ****, along with the other young people. One of them took me through and suggested I go to the 'self esteem group' next month, which I did end up putting my name down for, so obviously they had a conversation about it and thought it was a good idea. I just feel so low and crushed. Also Fathers Day at the weekend, emails from companies offering great Fathers Day presents flooded my inbox, just reminding me that my Father doesn't give a **** any more about me, that I don't have a daddy that loves me. But there is an awful lot of confussing things in my past to do with my dad so the remider brings up a lot of strong feelings, again making me feel really low. I had to play at the awards evening at my old school (I left in December/November, but was still allowed to play with the groups and bands I was in cause I felt very guilty leaving them and also didn't want to leave school completely so was lucky for such an arrangement) any ways playing at the awards evening just reminded me of how out of place I am with what was my year group, how much of a loner I was before I left, that I didn't have many friends at all, real friends that I would go up the town with etc...Also that was really the end of school, nothing any more...I really have to grow up now, that scares the **** out of me!
I am struggling to sleep and I am struggling to eat any 'proper' food, my wrists are sore, somthing like repetitive strain but over the past few years I have noticed that they only get really bad when I am feeling really low and depressed.
I am bursting into tears about 5 times a day, and have done since last Wednesday (day I failed). I have a one to one with someone from the Charity I mentioned before in a few days, but it might just be in like a coffee place cause thats where the past few have been...concidering most of what I was saying was positive. So might manage to say some stuff...just don't know. The problem is I have to get the train or bus to go through to the drop in and at the moment am stapped for cash so can't go through as often as I need now. I am just feeling low, lower than I have since I left school I think...and it isn't budging....I was told by my previous councillor my depression was cyclical(sp?) maybe this is just the point where I am depressed again and just have to try and get through it, maybe the next few days, weeks, months, I don't know. I'm just lost...I can't really do this again....but it looks like I have to, but maybe this time I won't manage to hold on...
Sorry, ended up longer than I thought it would, if it makes any sence comments and hugs would be appreciated, just feeling so alone right now, and about to cry again
I'm just such a pathetic waste of space....
Sorry Devil x x
