*hugs sweeteheart*
Firstly Im sorry things are so horrible and difficult for you at the moment. You sound like you are having a really rough time. It is good that you have managed to post this here and get some of it out.
You say you are feeling suicidal and stashing pills. Please on a day when you are feeling likely better ( I know you probably dont feel there are any days like this, but even people with depression ave days which are slightely less depressing than others), see if you can collect them together and throw them away or hand them in at your local pharmacy to be disposed of. Nothing is worth doing that to yourself.I know it might feel like everything is going wrong right now and you're at the bottom of a deep dark hole, but this is a temporary feeling and it can and WILL pass eventually. Suicide is permanent and it effects not only your life, but that of your friends and family around you. And I know you may feel like they would be better off without you but this is not true- its your depression tricking you, because depression is an evil and sadistic illness and that is what it does.
My social worker suggests that if I feel my emotions are stuck or that I want to cry but cant, that I watch a film or read a book or cut up onions- do something that will actually make me cry. She says its not about whether the crying is over your problems or not or how bad you're feeling, any crying triggers the release of emotions and can make you feel better. Perhaps you could try that? Try incorporating onion baji or onion pizza into your 500 a day?
In terms of your food in take and exercise, 500 calories is simply not enough and its going to make you feel worse because a hungry brain gets miserable, even though it may be telling you that what you're doing is good, it is starving and so it isnt happy and would be contributing to your low mood. If you cant face large meals during the day could you try nibbling through out the day? Just low fat things like nuts, seeds, dried fruit or handfuls of plain cereal will not make you gain loads of weight and will give your brain the energy it needs to help boost your mood. Im not going to say dont exercise, because that can have a positive effect also but if you are exercising, do a sensible amount and dont over push yourself. Ive done it before and I ended up stuck in bed with a dodgy leg which trust me when you're feeling miserable any way does not help the situation!
I really honestly think you should consider going back and getting some professional help. There is absolutely know shame in putting your hands up and saying hey Ive tried for a while by myself but actually I think I could do with some extra input from professionals or someone close to you.
Could you talk to a friend or family member? If you havent been eating and you are becoming withdrawn, you may well find that they have already noticed something is up or that you're not doing so good right now.
In terms of adult services- I was put straight in at 17 because there are no "bridgeway" services in my area. I was a bit horrified at first and did kinda wish there was something more for my age because you know, we dont feel like adults at our age!!! But to be honest after the initial "uh oh", I really wouldnt know I was in adult services. Because you essentially are seeing the same people as you would in CAMHS or bridgeway, the only difference really is that from their point of view, they see a much wider spectrum of people suffering from mental health problems. All of my team are very age sensitive and in tune to where I am in my life and the changes that are happening with me. The only real difference I can think of between the adult services and the short period I spent in CAMHS when I was in my early teens is that family involvement, although they still encourage it and everything, its more to do with what you want and making your own decisions and the pressure to consult my parents has been much less ( which from my point of view is fine!). I tend to feel that my decisions have been respected more and Ive got more of a say in who has been involved from home and to what extent. Thats a big plus!
Ive also done time on an adult psych ward, and the first time that happened it was very very difficult and I did wish there were more people my age, but the second time even that was much, much better and I found patients who I could chat to irrespctive of our ages. In fact one person who I met and have stayed in touch with is twice my age!
So please, please dont be frightened about adult services. It would definately be worth your while pursuing as you really sound like you could do with some support right now. And remember even if you dont want a referral onwards, you could always go and see your GP and just have appointments with them from time to time to check over how things are going.
If you still really cant face the thought of adult services, you could try non NHS alternatives? Ive been in touch with a really brillant company lately called "Get connected" ( I think its
www.getconnected.co.uk) and basically what they do is you tell them your situation and they can look up and give you info/ contact numbers on all places that you could get help be that national phonelines, or specific services in and around your area. They gave me a really good contact for a local centre that provides art therapy, something I've wanted to try for ages but the NHS in my area cant provide it. That might be worth a look at.
Please sweetie keep your head up and keep fighting. I know it may not feel like it, but this rubbish time for you will pass and things will get better. But no one can help you if they dont know how bad you are struggling, so do try to reach out for them because as you say in your post on here, sometimes you just need to let it all out to someone who cares.
Look after yourself
ld services.
